Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I went out for a run like I always do ..... it's very theraputic for me. I was thinking about all the things I've gone through with her....the good and the bad. I'm torn in the sense that I know I don't love her but I do care about her.....does that make sense, is that normal. I don't want to cause her pain but I want to be happy.....which I know I'll never be with her. She has taken out all the love I had for her. Her putdowns, her threats to cheat, her denigration in front of my stepson and our friends.....I can't do it anymore and I know its never really gonna stop. She's told me before she wants me to "be better." How is what she's done to me supposed to make "better." She says I can't be selfish this marriage is about more than just me.......I know marriage is bigger than me but don't I have a right to be happy? She has been very nice recently but I've seen this before. She constantly asking for kisses and is getting agitated that I don't say I love you "out of the blue," I feel like she is trying to wear me down right now? How do people find the strength to leave after being with someone for so long, I know I will be much happier long term but is that "selfish."
Your wife engages in forms of betrayal of your trust, repeatedly. Threatening to cheat ensures that no trust is possible. She embarrasses you in front of your stepson and friends. She doesn't keep her promsies. It isn't possible to keep trusting someone with your heart when they dont take care of it.
Her problems seem to stem from emotional immaturity and stnutedness. These kinds of problems are resistant to change.
I know you don't want to hurt her or your stepson, but it won't be the best thing for everyone for you to sacrifice your happiness and potential to try to satisfy her childish needs.
Of course there were good times, and of course you care. First of all, an abuser cannot keep someone with them if they did all the cruel, destructive things 24-7. No one stays around for that, or gets hooked on that in the first place. The good times though, do not erase how the bad things make you feel. Also, anyone who gets invested with someone, marries them, has them be a witness to their lives, envisions the rest of their lives with them-of course you don't want to hurt them. Most of us, who aren't abusers, don't like the thought that we could cause someone pain.
Putdowns, guilttrips, threats, control, are not acts of love, they are plays for power. Simple as that. It's not okay. You don't need to be made "better" by someone. That crap about marriage being about two people, and all this talk about selfishness-what that translates into is that you are selfish for not doing what SHE wants you to do. Which makes HER the selfish one. It's called projection, and abusers do it all the time-they accuse you of doing the exact thing they are doing. The best defense is a good offense.
She doesn't sound like she's being nice, she sounds like she's being needy and demanding. Probably because it's worked in the past to make you feel needed and guilty before. Abusers stick with what works for them.
Is it selfish to not want to be abused? NO!!! No one should ever be abused!!! Do you think it's selfish not to want to be raped, or beaten, or stolen from? Is it selfish not to want to be hurt and punished and controlled day in and day out for the rest of your life? NO it's normal, rational, healthy.
If this were you're average marriage with communication problems, different libidos, failure to connect, or some regular old martial problems I would say the rationals you are considering made sense-but that's not the case here. You are in an abusive relationship-THAT's the problem in your marriage.
I have the same feelings about my husband. We were married for 17 years and I can't really imagine ever feeling that way about someone again. But I left him 6 years ago and have never regretted it because he simply couldn't value me or treat me decently. I miss our marriage. But I am now selfishly living in peace. It was so worth it.