We all have been there, probably more times than we care to admit. When I get to this place, I know it is because I am lonely and in need of affection. Someone here on DS posted a sentence one day that I have stapled to my memory and that was that being lonely is so much better than being abused. It is human nature to feel bad, especially if he has moved on. Abusers do not change, so I am positive that his new girlfriend is going through exactly what you went through with him. Feel bad for her and her 2 children. Besides, if he hasn't seen his own flesh & blood in over a year and does not want to be apart of his own son's life, the two of you are certainly better off without him. Don't contact him. Instead, dance or sing as loud as you can to your favorite song, spend time on a hobbie, pamper yourself anyway that you can. The feeling will pass, I promise. Hugs

Thank you SO MUCH! That really made me feel better!!!!

We miss our abusers like heroin. We know it's bad for us but sometimes we are tempted to let that back in. If he has made no attempt to see his kid he is a really horrible father. Again, that is something you do not want to invite back into your life. Let sleeping dawgs lie...hugs to you 'cause I know just how you feel.

I totally understand, I am going through the same thing and these ladies are right, leave it alone and I know that is hard. I have really bad days when I feel that I am so in love with him I can not stand it and I know that the feeling I have would go away if I talked to him. Love to you, we can be strong!

Cara is right - the feeling of love and missing him would go away if you let him back in, instead, you'd be reminded of all the reasons you left him in the first place.

I also have a 2 yr old, who hasn't seen his father since October. He doesn't know that "daddy" is something you only call one person - he thinks it is what you call all adult males (can be VERY embarrassing sometimes) and that just breaks my heart, that my beautiful darling baby boy doesn't even know what a daddy is.

But when I get sad, I remember that his best hope is for a mother who loves him and takes care of him and, who knows, maybe one day I will be able to bring a proper father figure into his life. Whether that happens or not, though, we are both a lot better off without his dad, even though it breaks my heart to say it.

The other thing is that, if he is given a tenth of a chance, you are right - he will use your little boy against you.

Oh and one more thing - I get the dream stuff too. I had a dream the other day that my little boy was about 8, and his father told him that mummy never wanted him, mummy wanted an abortion. It's not true, but I can well believe my ex would happily say something like that to him, just to hurt me. And even though it was a dream, it still hurts, for all the nasty things he has already said to our son (before he left, and afterwards at access visits till I cut them off), he used to always put me down to our boy "mummy's always grumpy isn't she?", "don't throw a tantrum, you are acting just like mummy", if I sang to him "geez mummy shouldn't sing, should she". If he was hungry and complaining while I got dinner for him (after working all day, while his father sat on the couch and did nothing) "yeah, I know, mummy's really slow isn't she? It's not fair on you is it mate". Anything and everything to put me down to him. Now, the only people who talk to him about me tell him how much I love him and how good I am to him and how I will always take care of him.

Ok, so that was a bit of a rant of my own ... hijacked a bit there so sorry for that, but thinking of your situation just triggered some more stuff. Do not let this man back into your life, and be grateful that he is not destroying your son's life.

This is where my Index Card exercise comes in really handy!

Keep that toxin out of your son's life!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cry, cry, CRY. Crying gets the emotion out. Cry for as long as you cry.

You're going to be alright as long as you don't cave and call. Keep moving forward. You can do it.

Take good care.

Thanks guys. You were VERY helpful

Hang in there.
I understand. My abuser was my wife.
I knew her for 20 years and she didn't turn bad until 3 years ago.
Things got so bad I had to get a restraining order on her for me and the kids.

I miss the old her. Not the her she became.
I got so used to the chaos I miss that turmoil.
Life has actually got better since she has been gone.

I am alone and it sucks to be alone. But I remind myself that though I miss her, it is alot better to miss her than be with her.

Im still at that point too where I still love him and Im 16 weeks pregnant. He is behind bars (since june 10th 2011) and somedays I feel bad.

I thought I was weird, but you make me feel like missing an abuser is actually not unusual after all. Thank you.

You could make a list of thinks he did to you / ways he was abusive, and read it when you feel like you want to go back to him, or miss him.

To have held out so long, and taking care of your son as you've mentioned...you are a very strong person. I hope it gets easier with time, and I hear that most things do. You didn't cave in and contact, you wrote here. I think we're all proud of you for what you've accomplished so far! And my dear--you are out of the situation. You did it! It will only get better for you from here. The world is yours. You didn't lose yourself.

I know these feelings all too well. I'm going through them myself. But you know what, our mind plays tricks on us when we look back and selectively focus on the good memories. You should write down all the bad stuff like Ilene said and try to remember why you left. Life would have been torture if you stayed.

I go through my waves of missing my ex and always need to remind myself of the insanity of being with him, him degrading me, belittling me, interrogating me, accusing me, name-calling me, and finally choking me. The abuse only escalated the more I went back to him.

hun, you don't need to feel guilty for how you've been feeling lately. you may be surprised to hear that this can be fairly common after leaving an abuser. there is a condition called "stockholm syndrome" where people will express empathy and have positive feelings toward the person who inflicted the abuse. this may not be the proper diagnosis for you, but rest assured you are not the first, nor the only, woman to experience this and have these feelings.

also, i really feel for you right now because i know what you're going through. i left an abusive 4-year relationship earlier this year, and lately i have been having similar thoughts. i think of just calling him or contacting him somehow. part of me argues that i just want to make sure he's alright and that i'm just worried about him as i always was, but i know that doing that would be wrong and would just lead me right back to the person who put me through all those horrible things. i would be right back to square one. you've done a very good thing for yourself by opening up on here and recognizing that calling your ex and giving in to the urge would be counterproductive, and quite dangerous for you and your son. but you can do this...you already are resisting. just keep at it. you're going to be fine, hun :-)