Hi everyone! I'm back, and unfortunately STILL in hell. This will be a long update, so I apologize in advance. My plans had been going along quite well, my girls and I were moving into the shelter the end of April. Then my youngest daughter had a complete meltdown. She has some very similar behaviors to her father, although the two of them do not even speak (probably because they are so much alike), and I was informed that she would be unable to stay in the shelter, that I would have to leeave her with her father temporarily. This was not an option for me....not only could I not abandon my child, even for a brief period, but it would be unsafe for her. So...I created a plan B.

I started saving more money than I had been, finally opened a real checking and savings account (instead of expensive prepaid cards), and began to get rid of a lot of stuff we had been holding onto for some odd reason, all under the pretense of "spring cleaning". My goal was to be out by late June, early July. Then he got hurt. He hurt his back and could not even walk. It was disconcerting to me, how this man I honestly thought I hated, could elicit so much sympathy from me. I honestly hurt to see him so weak and unable to function.

I took care of him, he still had moments of acting horrid to me, to say the least, but I was able to stand up for myself and he would back down and even....gasp....apologize! When he began to get better, he even paid for and planned a day trip for the girls to an amusement park and bought my son a car....unheard of!!!! While I was still feeling unhappy and wanting to leave, I convinced myself I was being incredibly selfish and horrible because apparently he was honestly a changed person and I was now the one trying to abandon and destroy our lives. I ignored the little jabs and vicious comments he would make, and how he still did not have relationships with his children, and how as long as it was all about him and me catering to him, all was well. It was easier to do, as our kids spent the majority of the summer with my sister. He would pick a huge fight with me literally EVERY time they came home, but he always had a reason, and I found myself brushing it off, assuming I was just tired.

I got really sick a month ago. Finally went to the ER because I was so weak I could barely make it through half a day at work. Won't bore with the details, but I'm still battling an unexplained enlarged spleen, elevated WBC count, weakness, fatigue, intermittent bleeding, and constant migraines. Doc is nearly 100% certain the cause is stress???go figure! I didn't even feel that stressed out when this started.

Anyway, my car is a mess. Every day driving to or from work, I have to pull over for about twenty minutes so that I can let it stop smoking and the brake lines to ease up. Two weeks ago, he decided to surprise me by taking It upon himself to buy "me" a new car. Thing is, every time I turn around, I am hearing how it is his car. I am allowed to take it to work, but in the evenings he takes it. He refuses to put gas in it, since it is "HIS" car he shouldn't have to ( yes those were his exact words). I am to keep it spotless, full of gas, and make the freaking car payment on it (which was never discussed prior to him buying it), but it is HIS car so I can only drive it when he gives permission. Finally, I just decided it wasn't worth it and went back to driving my car which, no surprise, sent him over the deep end...I am so ungrateful and use him so much. He bought this for me, after all he doesn't need a new car as his company provides him with a brand new truck and he has four other vehicles he can drive, and on and on. I am just freaking exhausted and feeling like an idiot. Sigh.....back into planning. Just needed to vent.

I've really missed you guys and the reality check you provided. Hope everyone is well.