I hear you! I did the same eight months ago. My ex got drunk one night and tried choking me, thinking he was playing with me! And I thought to myself, next time, he might just choke me to unconsciousness. That was the straw that broke the camel's back, I decided to fully end it then, (I went back to him a couple of times). Yes, sometimes I minimized it, and he would always say things like, you're making a big deal out of it, etc...I'm joking, etc...

But you realize that it just gets worse and worse, it did for me, until you end up either emotionally dead, or physically hurt, injured, or dead. I was getting so sick (physically) from being in an abusive relationship, my body couldn't take it, I wasn't eating, I couldn't function at times.

The bad times are bad! Very bad. Nothing could take that away from us. And minimizing is only our way of processing the betrayal of what we've gone through. You know, betrayal, feeling like, why, why did we think we had something special with this person and they ended up hurting us like this?? We have trouble letting go of that illusion and fantasy we built up when things were really good in the beginning.

The reality speaks for itself though.He will not get better, only worse, as Ilene likes to say. That was my experience, and most women's experiences.

HUGS

I know what you're going through...I'm still minimizing my ex's behavior and try to brush it off. But then people bring me back and say "NO that's not right, that's not how you treat someone." It helps but I'm still stuck a lot. I just don't understand how I can miss someone who was so mean to me. But like gamine said, it will only get worse and you will never feel fulfilled from this man. Please stay strong, as if anything, know you are not alone in this!!

Attachment is powerful.

It's one of the main reasons
why we minimize bad behavior.

In the past year I've learned a whole
bunch more about minimizing and
how it hurts us.

Personally I wish now, that I
hadn't minimized the earliest
things I saw going wrong. I
did it, thinking that the rest
looked so promising, I'd be
able to intervene in what
seemed like small, subtle
things.

Now I see that the small, subtle
things were inextricably connected
with much worse things.

Had I not minimized the earliest of
what I saw, I'd have saved myself
a year spent with a controlling liar.


gogogiz ----you're out.
Even if "he didn't mean it," he hurt you.
Intent is irrelevant.
"He can get better" and be the
guy you loved.
Unlikely. More likely is that
he'd get worse.
"Why doesn't he try to
make it better?"
He can't He doesn't
have the wiring.

Try reviewing your clarifying index cards.
Try shifting your focus and your activity
to things that nourish, nurture and
fulfill you:

Take a walk in the brisk, autumn air.
Cook a delicious, nutricious meal.
Connect with a loving friend.
Read a book. Watch a movie.
Volunteer at the hospital rocking
premature babies.
Pet a cat. Walk a dog.

LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An abuser isn't worth missing.
There are better ways to use
our limited lifespan.

I haven't spoken to the loser
I left three weeks ago since
he managed to cough out
a weak-assed apology for
lying to me. When I think
about him now, I'm basically
feeling two things. . . . angry
and relieved to have finally
put it all together. I'm
not thinking about his
scurvy-sad-self on this
beautiful Saturday morning.
I've got BETTER things
to do. See what works
for YOU.

you're all so right! Ilene..as always..you give me insight into myself..gamine..yes..ur right also..letting go of the illusion..
vango..thank you for reminding me i am not alone..i hav felt so alone lately..just been isolating myself..disconnecting from everything..scary stuff..i'll end up in the basement..depressed and anxious if i'm not careful which is why i'm posting..
thank you & i welcome all your comments!!!!!!!!!!!

I minimized everything for years.......especially since he always told me I was making a big deal out of everything, or didn't understand, or I was the cause...It was my fault he's a liar, you have to lie to someone like me.....I wanted honesty. Of course I get it now. LOL


One day I woke up and was like...'HUH????" THis is crazy.......and then I started thinking, rereading things I wrote, replayed convos in my head....listened carefully to the stuff if was telling me....put my husband is not nice to me in my bing bar.......and POOF!!!!!!


All this stuff came up about abuse. I was like, no way.......but unfortunately yes way.....I ignored all my gut feelings that something was very,very, wrong.

I believe my H has NPD.......right now I am still with him, but I do not pretend that he cares or loves any of us here. I spend my time trying to help my kids change and grow, and I think we are all getting stronger. We have voices.......sorry big fella, time for you to conform or move on......