Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Alright, so I officially left my ex in February, but I very much consider that relationship over since the end of November because he rapidly became someone I could no longer recognize, starting the day he moved out. Since late March, I've met some nice guys with intentions to date me, but I've purposely kept myself single. For awhile it was because I was an emotional wreck (I'm still not feeling 100%, but I'm getting there), then it was because I didn't feel worthy of a healthy relationship (I constantly questioned my ex's claim that I was abusive toward him, not wanting to subject yet another human being to that), then it was because I was finding something wrong with all of the guys into me (truth is, I don't think anyone could ever compete with my ex when he was on his best behavior), and so far it's been because I have a whole lot of other messes in my life I want to clean up before I feel as if I can take anyone/be taken seriously.
But there's this guy I had first contact with in March that's persistent-yet-respectful, patient, compassionate, generous, everything I was once under the impression my ex was. But this guy is actually PROVING it with his actions, not just claiming it with his words. I don't think I'll ever go for him, and for real reasons that we don't click and not just because I'm not ready at the moment. But all that aside, his awesomeness actually annoys me a little on the inside. Not because I don't believe I deserve it, because I truly believe that I do, but because what's so easy for this guy was absolutely impossible for my ex. I mean, I wasn't asking my ex to change his entire persona; I just wanted him to show concern for my feelings regarding topics that had an effect on the relationship.
I know that when the timing is right, and when I somehow find a way to bump into this person, there will be someone out there for me. But dang, it bothers me so much that this guy I've made such a great friend in is SO AWESOME to everyone around him and it's like nothing to him. Heck, I have always attempted to be the same toward those around me. It's not hard to be nice! What the heck is wrong with people?
But there's this guy I had first contact with in March that's persistent-yet-respectful, patient, compassionate, generous, everything I was once under the impression my ex was. But this guy is actually PROVING it with his actions, not just claiming it with his words. I don't think I'll ever go for him, and for real reasons that we don't click and not just because I'm not ready at the moment. But all that aside, his awesomeness actually annoys me a little on the inside. Not because I don't believe I deserve it, because I truly believe that I do, but because what's so easy for this guy was absolutely impossible for my ex. I mean, I wasn't asking my ex to change his entire persona; I just wanted him to show concern for my feelings regarding topics that had an effect on the relationship.
I know that when the timing is right, and when I somehow find a way to bump into this person, there will be someone out there for me. But dang, it bothers me so much that this guy I've made such a great friend in is SO AWESOME to everyone around him and it's like nothing to him. Heck, I have always attempted to be the same toward those around me. It's not hard to be nice! What the heck is wrong with people?
I first met him through work when I was married to my ex. He was a nice guy, but he wasn't even on my radar-I was married. I left that job and didn't even think about him. Got divorced and we met up again through mutual friends from that job. We were just friendly. He was so super nice and fun, and everyone loved him-but he was not my type. Not the kind of guy I would ever have thought about dating. Time went on and I had a dream about him, you know,one of *those* dreams. And I thought "that's weird." So I told him that I had this dream and he got completely embarrassed, and I thought I'd made things all awkward and lost a friend, and the first time I though about how much I'd miss his company if he was too weirded to ever hang around me again, and I was wishing I'd kept my mouth shut and wondering what I'd been thinking when I told him.
Then he later told me he was attracted to me and he hadn't been sure how to proceed when I told him I'd had that dream, but he really thought I was amazing and wanted to go out with me. I did the whole "I don't know, I'm not ready" and I'm thinking "not a lot of sparks here." But I thought about it, and I thought, why not be open to something new, why not take a leap, and try dating someone based on different criteria.
He knew I had been in an abusive relationship-I didn't. I had known I was desperately unhappy-but abused? No, that was people who got beat up-that wasn't me. But he had worked at my work and forwarded me calls from an irate ex over and over and over. So he knew. He knew what my issues were likely to be, he never saw me as broken, or damaged goods, he never said "Hey-you were abused stupid!" He let me come to that conclusion myself, knowing sooner or later I would-in the meantime offering support for the specific issues which arose from the abuse like my insecurities and my walls that were put up. When I felt loved, and supported, and cherished, and found we were intellectual equals, and had fun together and made such an awesome team-that's when the sparks flew. And now I thank God I took that leap of faith-and I can't believe I almost passed him over because he was not "my type" and I didn't get butterflies the first time I looked at him. Relationships are so much more complex than initial attraction and what makes a good, enduring, satisfying relationship has so many things that go into it that play off each other and evolve over time.
I'm not saying, "Go for this guy" I'm just telling you my boring story of how I met the most exciting man of my life so you have something to consider as you move forward on the dating scene.
Keep the idea of red flags safely in your brain that protects you. I'm not saying put up walls, we all do that after these kind of relationships, I'm saying if he crosses the line, GET OUT! DON'T THINK JUST GET OUT!
It's scary but it's adventurous all the same. I will probably be one of those girls who goes out on many dates and not settle down ever again. I never did that. I wish in hindsight I would have.
But now-I'm realizing I am not giving myself enough suitors. I usually get to know them a long time before i go out on a date too.
I wish I would have dated atleast 2 or 3 men before I made a decision to get into a serious relationship. The ex-fiance, we met on meetup.com i don't reccommend it, for obvious reasons, but then we had our first date at Denny's. He was instantly my prince charming, but remember i had been talking to him on the phone for a couple of months before we met. Seeing him in person was like the icing on the cake, good stuff. I saw no red flags, he was AWESOME! He had to put his best foot forward to get me, and he moved in with me
2 months later. We have been together 2 years and my first abusive incident with him happened after he asked me to marry him about 5 months into the relationship. So I screwed myself basically with this one. Anyway...
I think it's great you haven't turn your back on love, it's so nice to have them butterflies in your stomach, and the romance and all that good stuff, but after the initial 9 months I heard is where their true colors comes out, and it's a shame because by then you have so much of you invested in the relationship that it's kind of hard to leave at that time.
I wish you well, good luck, you so deserve a good man. But remember a good man deserves you more! You are a shining star, don't ever let anyone tell you your not! Not even yourself. lol.
My definition of a good man is a man who will lay down his life for you and do anything for you and take care of you emotionally, physically, mentally, who will treat you like no other. My exfiance was this until his true colors came out. LIke I'm saying if you see red flags RUN! But you know that so i'm not gonna harp.
Love your brain girl you can do this!
"Where do you meet these nice guys?"
:)
Cant74deal, your story isn't boring. I love it!
MendingToday, okay this is going to sound weird, but... are you me in another dimension? We have nearly the same story... met my ex online, we talked for a couple months before meeting, he moved in with me a couple of months after that. Five months after meeting, he asked me to marry him. I'm not even joking. It was around that time that I saw the first signs of abuse, but he would act legitimately sorry when I called him out, so I didn't realize what it was. Nearly two years later, last Valentine's Day, he called me yelling right out of the gate, and that's when I told him I couldn't do it anymore.
As for the nice guys, some are pals from my past that I have bumped into. The specific one I mentioned in my original post was a friend of a friend, we met through playing video games together.
Well anyway, I'm glad your moving on in a healthy way, I know it must be so nice to be free, I'm actually enjoying my time to myself, kids are in school and I am just chillin.