Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I'm sorry guys. I am rather needy lately; I promise to be less needy soon (God I hope so anyway). I posted this conversation in my journal, but I realized I would actually like some feedback on it; you know some sanity to counteract his insanity. I finally get the importance of no contact with these guys; they are so good and even though I knew exactly where the conversation was going; I've lived this crap for so long; and I know the truth--he still almost got me!!!! Geez--what the hell is wrong with me?! Anyway, here's the body of my journal entry. Thanks for reading and for any clarity and sanity you can bring to the table!!!
OMG! I just FINALLY was able to get off the phone with him. First, there was the question of our daughter's therapy appointments, the tentative dx of depression, and once again--what was she telling the therapist; how did I feel about it; what was going on; why wasn't I including him in the sessions. I calmly and slowly explained to the ass that this is individual therapy, not family therapy--that is to come later--(for about the hundredth time), but that he should feel free to call the therapist (gave him the name and number) if it would make him feel more at ease. He then flat out discredited the psychiatrist because he disagrees with her dx. Our daughter is not depressed; it is my fault she is the way she is because I allow her to act that way when she doesn't get her way (thing is, she acts like this ALL the time, so while there was a time I may have believed him, now is not the time). Basically, he either wants me to take her out of counseling, or he is insisting that he get to tell HIS side to the therapist because it isn't fair that we are ganging up on him. Seriously dude! What the hell makes him think anyone is that interested in talking about him (of course we have talked about some of the things that go on in the house, but he is not privy to any of that private information).
From there, it became about what was my problem the other night--the night with the phone incident. THAT particular conversation went on for literally two hours! While he tried to explain to me how the fact that I "started a fight like that" just proves to him that I am not invested in the relationship; that I think he's a POS, and on and on. While I tried over and over again to lead him back to the fact that MY feelings about the subject of him having downloads and photos of me and other nude women (and other things) on his phone does not mean that he is innocent for having them in the first place, he insists that the problem is mine. If I wasn't so hateful and mean to him, I would never have questioned him like that!!! OMG the thing is he is dead serious. He cannot fathom the fact that HE is in the wrong; NOT ME. I'm just supposed to forget about it and APOLOGIZE TO HIM FOR THINKING HE WAS UP TO NO GOOD IN THE FIRST PLACE--FOR BEING SO ABUSIVE TOWARD HIM!!!!!!!!! I cannot even wrap my mind around his thought processes, but talking to him definitely makes me feel crazy, so I totally get why no contact is the only way to go with these guys. He even dragged in the fact that before we had children of our own, when we were dating, I used to go out with friends from work every couple weekends or so, and he doesn't bring that up and he didn't know what I was doing. And also, I probably wouldn't tell him if people were hitting on me at work and that's just wrong, yet I sit here and accuse him of doing something outside of the relationship. I just absolutely cannot fathom where he is getting this stuff. Seriously.
Trying not to smoke is really difficult with his insanity lurking in my life. That's all I can say. But I'm sad to say that for nearly ten seconds I did start to second guess myself when he tried to say I am the reason he does not have a relationship with his kids because that's the way I wanted it. The thing is there is some truth to that, but it certainly wasn't because I didn't want my children to have a father present and active in their lives. It was because he was so horribly abusive and neglectful from day one, that I did my best to shield my children from that. However, I'm not sure what a judge might think of that statement. He is so convinced himself that this is absolute truth, he almost had me convinced of the truth of it, and I'VE LIVED IT FOR NEARLY TWO DECADES! How much easier will it be for him to convince someone who doesn't know either of us of that little lie?
Oh well, I'm not going to borrow tomorrow's troubles for today, as the saying goes. I'm just going to pray that all goes well and pray for the day when I no longer have to worry about any of this crap!! I think I'm going to post this in the forum just to get some rational responses to it; something to help me read between the lines and to bring me some clarity and sanity after his conversation!
OMG! I just FINALLY was able to get off the phone with him. First, there was the question of our daughter's therapy appointments, the tentative dx of depression, and once again--what was she telling the therapist; how did I feel about it; what was going on; why wasn't I including him in the sessions. I calmly and slowly explained to the ass that this is individual therapy, not family therapy--that is to come later--(for about the hundredth time), but that he should feel free to call the therapist (gave him the name and number) if it would make him feel more at ease. He then flat out discredited the psychiatrist because he disagrees with her dx. Our daughter is not depressed; it is my fault she is the way she is because I allow her to act that way when she doesn't get her way (thing is, she acts like this ALL the time, so while there was a time I may have believed him, now is not the time). Basically, he either wants me to take her out of counseling, or he is insisting that he get to tell HIS side to the therapist because it isn't fair that we are ganging up on him. Seriously dude! What the hell makes him think anyone is that interested in talking about him (of course we have talked about some of the things that go on in the house, but he is not privy to any of that private information).
From there, it became about what was my problem the other night--the night with the phone incident. THAT particular conversation went on for literally two hours! While he tried to explain to me how the fact that I "started a fight like that" just proves to him that I am not invested in the relationship; that I think he's a POS, and on and on. While I tried over and over again to lead him back to the fact that MY feelings about the subject of him having downloads and photos of me and other nude women (and other things) on his phone does not mean that he is innocent for having them in the first place, he insists that the problem is mine. If I wasn't so hateful and mean to him, I would never have questioned him like that!!! OMG the thing is he is dead serious. He cannot fathom the fact that HE is in the wrong; NOT ME. I'm just supposed to forget about it and APOLOGIZE TO HIM FOR THINKING HE WAS UP TO NO GOOD IN THE FIRST PLACE--FOR BEING SO ABUSIVE TOWARD HIM!!!!!!!!! I cannot even wrap my mind around his thought processes, but talking to him definitely makes me feel crazy, so I totally get why no contact is the only way to go with these guys. He even dragged in the fact that before we had children of our own, when we were dating, I used to go out with friends from work every couple weekends or so, and he doesn't bring that up and he didn't know what I was doing. And also, I probably wouldn't tell him if people were hitting on me at work and that's just wrong, yet I sit here and accuse him of doing something outside of the relationship. I just absolutely cannot fathom where he is getting this stuff. Seriously.
Trying not to smoke is really difficult with his insanity lurking in my life. That's all I can say. But I'm sad to say that for nearly ten seconds I did start to second guess myself when he tried to say I am the reason he does not have a relationship with his kids because that's the way I wanted it. The thing is there is some truth to that, but it certainly wasn't because I didn't want my children to have a father present and active in their lives. It was because he was so horribly abusive and neglectful from day one, that I did my best to shield my children from that. However, I'm not sure what a judge might think of that statement. He is so convinced himself that this is absolute truth, he almost had me convinced of the truth of it, and I'VE LIVED IT FOR NEARLY TWO DECADES! How much easier will it be for him to convince someone who doesn't know either of us of that little lie?
Oh well, I'm not going to borrow tomorrow's troubles for today, as the saying goes. I'm just going to pray that all goes well and pray for the day when I no longer have to worry about any of this crap!! I think I'm going to post this in the forum just to get some rational responses to it; something to help me read between the lines and to bring me some clarity and sanity after his conversation!
I'm so sorry...outsiders can not really relate to the lives we live in these circumstances. But, you got some pretty convincing stuff for a court, with what is on your husband phone.
That stuff with your daughter and therapy does not surprise me in the least. He cannot control that interaction between your daughter and the therapist, and everything is about control with him. He is terrified that he may not come out looking the way he so carefully constructs his image with everyone. It's not about your daughter or what's good for her-it's all about HIM. It always will be. All of that you described as happened every time I tried to get my daughter help. The first couple years we got divorced I knew she was depressed, she asked for help. I tried to get her counseling, but he worked on her and worked on her until she said she didn't want to go anymore. He constantly used her against me, saying she was upset because I broke up our family, that she didn't want to see me or spend time at my house (we had joint custody), that she hated my bf and thought Ioved him more than her-every button he could push that he KNEW were my worst fears and he played on them, he blamed me so he could avoid responsibility. Eventually my daughter got so ill she had a psychotic break. And he STILL doesn't want her in treatment. He still blames me for her mental state, even though she lives me with and rarely sees him because she can't handle dealing with his crap. Even though with my support she's made amazing progress in her recovery. He still undermines everything I try to do to make her well, because doing the opposite of what I'm trying to do with her is a great method of control and FU to me. Your kids are another "thing" to control-wrap your mind around that. He does not care about what he does to them-he only cares about using them to meet his sick, twisted, selfish needs.
Your ex sounds so much like mine, he's one of the ones on here that really almost could be the same man. He will try to make your life hell for the rest of your life if he can. Don't make the same mistakes I did.
There are factors you can control and there will be a ton of factors you can't control. Focus on what you can control. Make the best decisions with what you have to work with moment to moment. Protect yourself, protect your kids. Get out, get your head clear, and things will start to get easier and easier.