Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My mother is a strong woman, and a survivor of domestic abuse. She married when she was young, and she tells me the man "changed" the day after they were married. He'd pick fights just to make an excuse to get away when he wanted. Eventually he began grabbing her, then hitting her. One day she found the strength to leave him.
I don't know all the details, but she doesn't sound upset in the least when she tells her story. Though it happened a very long time ago.
She met someone else. Unfortunately the story was much the same after she got pregnant. She knew the signs so she left him, too, after the baby was born. Over and over he would try to come back. Sometimes, she'd let him. He'd use so many excuses, even using their son as an excuse to hang around my mom's apartment instead of taking him out. Like many abusers, he was inconsistent, and over time she built the strength to stop taking him back.
She told me about a day when had to have known she was done with him, and he showed up at her door after a long absence. He bought a house. He knew she wanted to have a house. Luckily she was strong by that time, and he was too late. She told me when she knew he'd be coming by her apartment, she'd dress her best and put on makeup, she'd cook a favorite meal they used to share and she knew he'd recognize the smell of, but she wouldn't let him in. She wouldn't tell him she was planning to spend the night home alone. She just wanted him to think she had moved on so he would go away.
My mother joined a single parents' activities group, where she met a man that she didn't think was quite her type. He pursued her, she was resistant, but over time she saw he stayed consistent. They spent more time on the phone than going out together, but eventually she let him in to her life. She told him about her past, and although she says their beginning was rocky, he cared and he understood. She finally agreed to marry him, and her inconsistent ex gave up custody of their son so that this new man could adopt him. My mother and her new husband had two children together. I was the second, making that man my father.
My oldest brother is eight years older than me. He was born prematurely. He lived through the abuse when he was too young to understand it, though his father disappeared before my mother married my father. As he grew into his teens, it was discovered he was acting out more than expected. He was in and out of hospitals. It was a tough decision for my parents to make, but they knew the problem was outside of their power to help. In his late teens, he seemed to finally get himself together. Unfortunately he wasn't fully there, and in his young 20's, he took his own life. My parents felt guilt, but they never blamed one another. Somehow my brother's biological father found out, and he attended the funeral, but my mother didn't have much more to say about it other than he only said he was sorry that happened.
When my family learned that my recent ex was abusive (heck, even I was still learning it at this time), my mother rescued me emotionally. She reassures me almost daily that she understands why I put up with what I did, why no one else really knew it was happening, and that she knows I can move on. She reassures me that karma will get my ex. Apparently it got to her exes. Apparently their lives didn't turn into these magical things they kept reassuring her they would when she was being attacked by them. She was lucky to get out when she did.
My parents recently celebrated their 33rd wedding anniversary. They're not perfect, but they're good for each other. They understand each other, and even when they don't, they don't purposely hurt each other. They never cross that line. I've seen them upset, I've heard them yell, but they don't attack and they don't repeat the same offense over and over again. It's been years since I've seen them argue more than sharing some concern or annoyance, because they learned where their respective boundaries are and they don't cross them.
If my mom can get out, move on, and find my father, so can we. We don't have to get it right each time. Some of us won't. But what's important is we don't have to stay in it, we don't have to put our kids through it. We can live in poverty for as long as it takes but at least we don't have to die inside forever.
There are hundreds of survivor stories out there. My mom's is just the one that I focus on when I'm hurting from the past, because it helps me remember there's still a future. I really hope you all know this.
I don't know all the details, but she doesn't sound upset in the least when she tells her story. Though it happened a very long time ago.
She met someone else. Unfortunately the story was much the same after she got pregnant. She knew the signs so she left him, too, after the baby was born. Over and over he would try to come back. Sometimes, she'd let him. He'd use so many excuses, even using their son as an excuse to hang around my mom's apartment instead of taking him out. Like many abusers, he was inconsistent, and over time she built the strength to stop taking him back.
She told me about a day when had to have known she was done with him, and he showed up at her door after a long absence. He bought a house. He knew she wanted to have a house. Luckily she was strong by that time, and he was too late. She told me when she knew he'd be coming by her apartment, she'd dress her best and put on makeup, she'd cook a favorite meal they used to share and she knew he'd recognize the smell of, but she wouldn't let him in. She wouldn't tell him she was planning to spend the night home alone. She just wanted him to think she had moved on so he would go away.
My mother joined a single parents' activities group, where she met a man that she didn't think was quite her type. He pursued her, she was resistant, but over time she saw he stayed consistent. They spent more time on the phone than going out together, but eventually she let him in to her life. She told him about her past, and although she says their beginning was rocky, he cared and he understood. She finally agreed to marry him, and her inconsistent ex gave up custody of their son so that this new man could adopt him. My mother and her new husband had two children together. I was the second, making that man my father.
My oldest brother is eight years older than me. He was born prematurely. He lived through the abuse when he was too young to understand it, though his father disappeared before my mother married my father. As he grew into his teens, it was discovered he was acting out more than expected. He was in and out of hospitals. It was a tough decision for my parents to make, but they knew the problem was outside of their power to help. In his late teens, he seemed to finally get himself together. Unfortunately he wasn't fully there, and in his young 20's, he took his own life. My parents felt guilt, but they never blamed one another. Somehow my brother's biological father found out, and he attended the funeral, but my mother didn't have much more to say about it other than he only said he was sorry that happened.
When my family learned that my recent ex was abusive (heck, even I was still learning it at this time), my mother rescued me emotionally. She reassures me almost daily that she understands why I put up with what I did, why no one else really knew it was happening, and that she knows I can move on. She reassures me that karma will get my ex. Apparently it got to her exes. Apparently their lives didn't turn into these magical things they kept reassuring her they would when she was being attacked by them. She was lucky to get out when she did.
My parents recently celebrated their 33rd wedding anniversary. They're not perfect, but they're good for each other. They understand each other, and even when they don't, they don't purposely hurt each other. They never cross that line. I've seen them upset, I've heard them yell, but they don't attack and they don't repeat the same offense over and over again. It's been years since I've seen them argue more than sharing some concern or annoyance, because they learned where their respective boundaries are and they don't cross them.
If my mom can get out, move on, and find my father, so can we. We don't have to get it right each time. Some of us won't. But what's important is we don't have to stay in it, we don't have to put our kids through it. We can live in poverty for as long as it takes but at least we don't have to die inside forever.
There are hundreds of survivor stories out there. My mom's is just the one that I focus on when I'm hurting from the past, because it helps me remember there's still a future. I really hope you all know this.
You're blessed to have your mom in your corner.
Hugs,