Your friend is WRONG, WRONG WRONG!

There is NEVER EVER EVER a reason to be abusive EVER! A NORMAL person who LOVES their spouse would NOT treat them the way he treated you. IF having a baby was that important, then he could have just said, I'm sorry, I want to be married to someone who can give me children, so I'm divorcing you. Which, IMHO, would indicate that he loved himself more than he loved you.

He didn't do that. IMHO there's a big possibility that he wants a kid to have someone to control and maybe even for bragging rights. It sounds like he feels the narcissistic need to propagate his seed and that's nothing more than ego. And, I feel sorry for his baby having to grow up w/him.

Love should not hurt. Love is not mean or cruel. Love doesn't put someone down. Yes, we all say mean things and yes, we are all guilty of doing abusive acts. The difference is when we recognize that our actions are hurtful, most of us apologize. Abusers don't. The other difference is that abusers continue their abusive behavior, where as non-abusers do their best to be kind. Abusers blame others and never take responsibility for their actions.

Abusers are rarely happy for more than very short periods of time. What happened to you will happen to her. Like many of us, she may never let on she is living like that.

And you "friend" doesn't live with them, so she doesn't know anything. Another thing, IMHO, friends don't say things like that to each other.

His abuse of you had nothing to do with you or your perceived (in his eyes) short comings (i.e. that you couldn't conceive). As an abuser, he feels entitled and justified to do whatever it takes to get what he wants, even when its totally irrational. And him treating the way he did because you couldn't give him a child is so selfish and abusive. And, in no way was he justified or entitled to abuse you.

None of his actions are your fault or responsibility.

TrueColors - Thank you! Not long after I posted the message, I spoke with one of my daughters (who lived through this with me) - Although she's biased in my favor, what she helped me understand is that, if wanting me out so that he could have a child with someone else was the only reason for his behavior - it wouldn't have been in anyway as severe and soul destroying as his actions were. And I realized that, if not knowing how to tell me was his only issue, perhaps I would have picked up that he was nit picking or starting unreasonable arguments but, the horrible things he did were way beyond not knowing how to say he wanted it to be over. He's an abuser. I'm very clear. He is an abuser.

Having been abused for so long, it's still difficult for me to remember that I can "gaslight" myself into thinking everything is my fault.

Thanks again, True.

Minnie, it's very common for us to question ourselves and our sanity and wonder if it really was us and/or our fault. Unfortunately, that is one of the many side effects from abuse. As someone who grew up with abuse and ended up in one or more abusive relationships, you are not alone. Many us of were/are in your shoes. I've been out 10 years, divorced for 8 and there are still moments that I question whether it was all that bad. Then I remind myself it was. Thankfully those moments are fewer and fewer and last less and less. Know that it will get better. As you heal, your doubts will fade.

If you haven't already, please get into therapy with a qualified therapist who has additional training & skills in trauma & abuse recovery. Time alone will not heal you, especially since you grew being abused.

Abuse messes with the mind body and soul. It took 6 years of intense almost weekly therapy for me to get better. I still have a ways to go, but I am so much better. So please know that with effort & the right therapy for you, you will heal. Just allow yourself however long it takes. Therapy will help you fall in love and like w/YOU. It will also teach you to trust your inner knowing and not another person's words. Your inner knowing will let you know who is trustworthy and who isn't.

Just keep taking good care of you!

Everything MyTrueColors has said is spot on! I also wanted to add that, although unlikely, he might not abuse his new wife, at least not at this time. That doesn't make him any less of an abuser, and it certainly doesn't mean that you did anything wrong. This is his problem. But what happens with him and his new wife can't matter to you right now. You need to focus on you. You're safe now and I'm so proud of you for getting away from him.

In order for you to heal, I do think that you need to have a talk with your friend. What she said was extremely rude and disrespectful. If she can't back you up 100%, you might not want to be around her that much. You didn't do anything wrong. Also, by your friend blaming you for your ex's "anger" (the word she was looking for is "abuse"), she's technically blaming you for the abuse and the inability to have children without medical assistance.I hope that you are able to see that that makes no sense, and either your friend is very confused or just plain mean.

I'm sorry if my comment sounds a little rude, and I don't mean to make you feel badly at all. I'm just very angry that anyone, especially someone you consider a friend, would make you feel this way. Like I said, I'm so proud of you for getting away! I know that the effects of abuse can follow you around for a while, and I'm so sorry that you are still struggling. Just remember, no matter how badly you feel or what ANYONE says to you, you are a strong, amazing woman and you don't ever deserve to be abused or treated badly in any way. It couldn't possibly be your fault.

He will be abusive to her because your inability to conceive was no more than an excuse. If he truly loved you AND was desperate to have a child, then he would have been on board with going through IVF. But he wasn't. Your fertility issues do not affect your objective worth as a human being, they were merely a gift to an abusive man, because they were a tangible way for him to blame you, to make you feel less than, to make you feel inadequate, unworthy - all the things abusers want us to feel. The new woman has been able to give him what you couldn't easily give him (remember, it's not that you couldn't have a child, it's that you couldn't conceive without assistance and he was unwilling to support you through the assistance). But that doesn't mean she's perfect. She will have flaws, both real and perceived. And he will pounce on those flaws in the same way he pounced on your fertility issues.

But as the others have said, it really doesn't matter that he will be abusive to her as well, when the simple truth is that he was abusive to you (and continues to be). Loads of people in relationships have fertility issues, it doesn't make someone worthless. Yes, it can put a strain even on a healthy relationship, but it could never ever be a cause of (rather than an excuse for) abuse. Because a loving partner would never, EVER, take something so personal, something so completely out of their partner's control, and turn it against them or turn it into a reason to treat their partner horribly.

Think of it this way. You loved him. If he had become ill through no fault of his own and was willing to do what it took to get better and not be in any way a drain on you, would you have used that to treat him appallingly? Would you have thought he was worthless and deserving of nothing good ever? Of course you wouldn't. You would have done everything you could to reassure him and to support him through the illness. And your fertility issues are no different. A healthy partner would have reassured you and supported you through that difficulty, no matter what the outcome.

You ARE deserving of love and all manner of wonderful things. The fact that he chose to pick on something you have no control over and abuse you for it means HE has the problem, not you.

Finally, his happiness or otherwise is and always was his responsibility not yours. His failure to be happy (if that be the case) never EVER gave him a right to be abusive to you. And for as long as he wants to make his happiness someone else's responsibility, they will always fail which will always (in his mind) give him a right to be abusive. She also will fail to make him happy, because it's not possible for someone outside ourselves to make us happy, other than in a fleeting, superficial way.

Everyone - Thank all of you, so very much! I am so grateful for this gathering place. In the past few weeks, I truly would have given up on life if I had not found this circle of support.

Thank you, again and again.

There is nothing I hate more than people who start analyzing and explaining your abuser to you , instead of talking about you. The truth is that you are now out of an abusive relationship and you can heal and find a new one. He is not the star in your life. You are.

Agree with the others. You really need to be careful who you talk to about this stuff as the ones who do not understand the abuse dynamics have no clue. Think about all of us in here. We have all learned a lot through therapy, being in the forum, hearing about others experiences, realising how similar they all are, learning about red flags, etc. etc. Think about how much info we have absorbed.

I also had to distance myself from a friend who had no clue or maybe she did but didn't want to see it, that she was being used by someone to get access to me. I really have a hard time understanding why this so called "friend" would even say something like this? Strange.!

Thank you, ladies. I can't tell you how much comfort it gives me to be able to come to a place where others TRULY understand what has happened in my life. With that said - in defense of my "friend", I don't think she meant any harm; but, rather she is woman who has ALWAYS been very much in charge and confident in herself. She's that woman an abuser would spot a mile away and go in the other direction. As such, I think her comment came from the place of a person who doesn't get the dynamics as we do here. Nevertheless, I'll follow the advice I'm getting here about being careful with whom I discuss these matters.

I'm grateful for all of you.

I was not attacking your friend in my comment. I don't know her. I was stating without saying if it's intentional or not, that the tendency is to talk to the victim/ survivor of abuse about the perpetrator and not about him or her. I think you can start a new trend in your life by starting your sentences with : ""I"" and not ""he"". Understanding him will not help you heal. Understanding and paying attention to yourself will.