Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I just read Yellow's post about her wedding day. I am just so sad that was her experience...for the day that was suppose to be magical. I'm sorry, Yellow. Please, please sign those papers. Get your soul back, as your friend said, and embrace a life free of abuse!
I know I sound like a broken record, but my experience is nothing like what I read on here. He was amazing, absolutely amazing, for a year and a half. Everything was great, including our love life...probably the best I've ever experienced.
I think going into a major depression is what changed the course of our relationship. His first wife had severe bi-polar and, according to him, was bedridden for half of their marriage (14 years total). I think he saw me as his first wife all over again. Although the depression only lasted 4 or 5 months max. I think instead of appropriately disengaging from me, he decided to drive me away. Perhaps part of him really didn't want me to leave. After all, I know horses, he doesn't ...maybe he wasn't sure what to do...he needed my experience, but didn't want to love me anymore. So maybe he is just a very immature 54 y.o. boy. I don't think it was abuse. I think I am looking for an answer...an answer that takes the blame from my shoulders. Maybe I am inappropriately accusing him.
But does it matter now. Probably not. That chapter is closed regardless of why things went bad. I just really don't want to be the cause of losing my dream. But maybe I am.
I know I sound like a broken record, but my experience is nothing like what I read on here. He was amazing, absolutely amazing, for a year and a half. Everything was great, including our love life...probably the best I've ever experienced.
I think going into a major depression is what changed the course of our relationship. His first wife had severe bi-polar and, according to him, was bedridden for half of their marriage (14 years total). I think he saw me as his first wife all over again. Although the depression only lasted 4 or 5 months max. I think instead of appropriately disengaging from me, he decided to drive me away. Perhaps part of him really didn't want me to leave. After all, I know horses, he doesn't ...maybe he wasn't sure what to do...he needed my experience, but didn't want to love me anymore. So maybe he is just a very immature 54 y.o. boy. I don't think it was abuse. I think I am looking for an answer...an answer that takes the blame from my shoulders. Maybe I am inappropriately accusing him.
But does it matter now. Probably not. That chapter is closed regardless of why things went bad. I just really don't want to be the cause of losing my dream. But maybe I am.
Maybe, like you say, it doesn't matter so much to define him, but it certainly does matter that you don't interact with him or his friends ever again and also that you don't blame yourself!!! I'll say it again. The smart subtle abusers wreak the most damage because it's so hard to detect that you just go crazy and blame yourself. It is sinister and evil.
Have you checked out www.youarenotcrazy.com? It describes several kinds of abuse, both cover and overt. I also highly recommend her book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship.
You are in the right place. We all just have the tendency to downplay what has happened &/or is happening to us.
~Hugs~
All of our stories are different, but they all have the same result. They are all damaging to us in their own, but similar, way.
You are in the right place Itwist. Keep posting and keep educating yourself on abuse. You are not to blame.
I have always had a tendency to be too hard on myself. Interestingly, he is not that way at all!
I appreciate the continue support and patience.
MTC...I really should consider myself lucky. I didn't stick around for too much...moved out after a month of meanness, and then came back for some more dribs and drabs over the course of the summer. My heart goes out to those who endured who endured years.
Much thanks
Yellows is definitely worse. I have never heard in my life of a groom MAKING a bride wear a black wedding dress. I really think he is over the top and not many can be as horrible as he is.
People have doubts same as you, please do NOT listen as they are trying to trick you. Please start focusing on yourself and please take your thoughts off him. You need to think about what you need and enjoy doing. Please, go back and read your earlier posts and the responses and print them if you need to so if you forget how he made you FEEL, you will then remember.
Your ex is way worse than mine was. He was an abuser and his true colors did not come out till we had kids, 10 years after we were married.---He got worse, but not enough for me to leave. I got a part time job and spent all my time at school (the kids school) and that saved me.
Please take good care of yourself and please do not doubt yourself.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Do you think it was the presence of children? I know you don't want to rehash, but I am curious as to why the change.
I am trying desperately to focus on me. Went to therapy...although I don't feel I am progressing quickly enough. (Another of my limitations..I am very impatient.) But I will stay the course.
And like you, I came here thinking I didn't belong, simply because I am a man and was abused by a woman - now twice. Society told me that men are the abusers, not the victims, and I didn't have it bad because I could have left the relationship at any time, was not physically or financially held.
But a few months ago, I was having a drink with two good friends, both of whom came out of abusive relationships. And they both agreed that what I endured was much worse than theirs. I could not believe they said that. The same is probably true with you. You may remember the good and happy times and the bad things don't seem so bad. But another observer would see things so much differently. Just be thankful you got out before it got worse.
No problem, Itwist,
he came from a horribly abusive home. His mother was absolutely horrible and used him in her battles with his dad. The reason she had battles with his Dad was they moved close to the grampa and it took attention away from my husbands mother. She was insane with jealously and it drove my husbands father to drink, REALLY drink.
A very long story short, there is no doubt in my mind having kids triggered him. He really didn't want kids, but relented 10 years later because he knew how badly I did want them. He could have been so much worse after reading all the stories up here so I count my lucky stars, but he was still an abuser.
The sad thing, there was no abuse, no drinking and no fighting till my husband was 5 and they moved. So sad.
He was the chef in our house. And god forbid you try to go in the kitchen while he's cooking. He is just frantic about it. In our first house, I sort of understood...kitchen was small. But in the farmhouse there is plenty of space. I would come in while he was in the midst of preparing...ALL of the cupboards are open. And he insists this is the way it has to be. If you try to close one he is not using, omg.
On the 4th of July, we were preparing for a b-que. I was emptying food from plastic bags and placing the bags on the counter. He would immediately grab the bag and angrily ball it up and throw it to the ground saying it needed to be out of his way. Bizarre stuff. Finally, I headed to the door to go on the porch and he asks, "where are you going?" No response from me but I'm thinking away from you loony tune.
I also remember him telling me that he had his entire family over for Thanksgiving on year with his second ex wife. He screamed at her to get out of the kitchen and she spent the rest of the night in the bedroom crying.
Thanks for bringing these reminders back. It's helpful,
I asked my ex one time why he never had kids. He point blank told me he didn't think he could be a good parent...telling, huh?
Thank you, thank you,
Being abused in a
family of origin is a
pretty typical precedent
to either being abusive
later on, or to being
susceptible to
being abused
later on.
Sometimes abusive behavior
patterns lie dormant for awhile
and then are triggered by some
circumstance or event.
But abuse is abuse is abuse.
Please take good care of yourself.
And in terms of my ex's behavior, it may have very well been brought on by stress and my depression, neither of which existed during the first two years together.
Thank you
Regardless of whether or not he was 'abusive', you do belong here. Many of us came here initially for different reasons, but we stayed because we found a home here where we could give and receive support for the hardships we have endured in our relationships.
I was with my ex for almost six years... His abuse didn't become obvious until we were two years into it... And even then it was subtle, something I could write off as him just being an asshole, scared or triggered by a past relationship. It wasn't until I began googling the words 'emotional abuse', that I began to suspect that there might be something wrong and that the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach was trying to tell me something.
I struggled with depression increasingly as I with him longer. His ex-wife he often called crazy when she was obviously was depressed. Gee, I wonder why? ;)
As for me - it appears that both of my brothers and my sister are also in abusive relationships. My sister's husband is a narcissist, my one sister in law is probably bipolar, and my other sister in law I know has anger issues. I don't think that is a coincidence. I think it stems from the kind of relationship my parents have. My mother is very moody and emotional, and my father is rather passive about it. He avoids rather than confronts.
I am sorry about the situation with your wife. Sounds very painful. Are you sticking it out?