Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi, I just joined. Sorry this is so long, but I've been holding this inside for a long time. I've been married for 10 plus years and I've wondered every day why I'm not good enough, why I can't make him happy. I'm constantly criticized, put down with "funny" name-calling and hurtful "jokes." I'm treated like a child, constantly demeaned and cannot do anything right. I know I'm not stupid, I have a masters degree and I think I'm a kind-hearted, good person.
My son is 10, and I wish fervently I had left when he was a baby. He does have a very good relationship with his dad, and unfortunately has been exposed to my husband verbally abusing me daily. He has behavior and anger issues and has high-functioning autism and ADHD. I worry that divorce would be too hard for him and make his behavior problems worse. He also has a problem with change, and we've only been in our current city/school district for 1 year. On the other hand, maybe his behavior would improve if he didn't see his dad berating me daily.
I also have a stepson who is 15 and lives with us. So, if we got a divorce, my son would not see his brother as often either. I'm also afraid I wouldn't get to spend time with my stepson, who I love tremendously, having cared for him since he was 3. I also have a 17 yo stepdaughter, but I don't worry about that as much because we have a good relationship and she will soon be an adult.
Not one time in 11 plus years has my husband ever apologized for anything, and that is not an exaggeration. I've wavered between trying to figure out what's wrong with me, and what's wrong with him. I thought maybe he had Aspergers since he has no empathy, or maybe a narcissist. He doesn't like to touch, hug, or kiss, doesn't show any affection and does not care about how I feel. He doesn't give compliments or gifts. He doesn't like to talk or answer any questions. He doesn't help with anything and constantly berates me because I don't make as much money as him even though I'm a respected professional with a full time job. He also controls our finances and will not give me detailed information about some of our accounts.
Oh, and he also has suffered from depression, and 2 years ago tried to commit suicide. He says he is no longer depressed and his psychiatrist weaned him off his meds, but I'm afraid he will become suicidal again if I file for divorce. He also has used a prostitute from Craigslist to get fellatio at least once, and probably more than that.
Recently, I had a breakthrough. I just read a book about verbal abuse by Patricia Evans, and this book was written about my life. There were many instances of text in the book that matched up exactly to my husband's words and actions. I couldn't believe it, it was as if the author had made a video of my daily life and based her book on it.
But, according to him, I'm the problem. I'm a nag, a bitch, a slob, lazy, and more. He has also told me he has no intention of ever changing, and if we go to couples counseling, that will be his opening statement. He says he does nothing wrong, that I'm the agressor. I thought for a while I was a huge bitch, but I realized getting angry is a natural reaction when faced with this kind of abuse.
What do you think I should do?
He only is concerned about himself.I feel you are at a point where you are
dotting your i and crossing your t.
This is no kind of environment for children,This is certainly not a healthy environment for you.
Focus on you and mentally start pouring back into you to self heal and fill up
any voids created by this abuse that you are entangled in.
As you continue to do this you will gain your clarity and strength back.
You start re creating a healthy world.You will start seeing how strong you feel and how you feel at ease and healthy as this healthy world now takes shape
and form. You will understand that disengagement is necessary and vital
to your well being.
You will be at peace as you do this.
These are the things that you should do--- because your asking this right? but half the answer has been decided already by him.
He says I will abuse her, I will berate her, I will make her environment a shitty
atmosphere, I will manipulate,I will never apologize-ever etc etc etc yaddah yaddah yaddah
Nothing much left to say on his part. So dont procrastinate===== do you.
And let me leave off by saying
If a person shows you who they are- believe them.
Hi, I just joined. Sorry this is so long, but I've been holding this inside for a long time. I've been married for 10 plus years and I've wondered every day why I'm not good enough, why I can't make him happy. I'm constantly criticized, put down with "funny" name-calling and hurtful "jokes." I'm treated like a child, constantly demeaned and cannot do anything right. I know I'm not stupid, I have a masters degree and I think I'm a kind-hearted, good person.
He sounds like he may be a narcissist- you can never satisfy them because they thrive on something called Narcissistic Supply".You would be the supply-he feeds off the abuse he implements into your life and then gets thrilled that you constantly react .It is a terrible cycle of abuse until you wake up out of it.So it is not you at all that is not good enough- he will never in life let you know that you are- he wants to keep you on the Gerbil Wheel.When you educate yourself on the topic you will feel so much more at peace
Firstly, like all of us on here, we’re all here to tell you that you absolutely do NOT deserve this. That’s first and foremost. His behavior sounds narcissistic in nature as my husband is a narcissist and sounds exactly alike. I was told by my husbands psychiatrist that narcissists actually put down those they feel are more intelligent than they are to make themselves feel even more above them. (He will never ever admit that to you, but it makes sense when you think about it). No one can dare criticize or question him, right? And if he is questioned then there is a holy-war or sorts that when you listen to his words they aren’t even sensical, and don’t even relate to the topic at hand? If so, you’ve got yourself a narcissist.
Leaving is never an easy choice and it is a personal one. I admire you for considering it because even getting to that point is difficult. As far as your son goes, I can speak from experience as a behavioral analyst and special education teacher who specializes in ASD that your son can absolutely 100% adjust to the change. It will take time, no doubt. But if your son is displaying aggression or frustrations that are a reflection of his fathers from similar triggers then that is your answer. Your son can learn to have appropriate replacement behaviors and there are a myriad of resources for ASD and behavior modifications, especially because he is still so young. I have single handedly seen drastic improvements in students when their home lives become more structured and stable. Remember in all circumstances it’s harder in the beginning before it gets better. But it absolutely will get better.
If you need anything, don’t hesitate to reach out. *hugs*,
Kristina