It's awful to be retraumatized through bad couples counseling AND it's ALSO potentially DANGEROUS.

I have not seen successful couple counseling in the context of an emotionally abusive relationship.

There are a half-dozen reasons why I see couples counseling in an abusive relationship as being ineffective at BEST and potentially dangerous. I'm on the run, right now, and don't have time to lay them out this morning. I'll work on a post on the topic, and bring it back at the end of the weekend.

Good luck awakening. If you go to counseling, be alert and be careful.

Ilene

In Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" he makes the point that Ilene does. That in the vast majority of cases....counseling doesn't help, and in fact, makes the abuse worse.

It focuses attention on the abuse...which is what he wants, what he craves. It feeds his already huge narcissistic ego, and can, and often does, escalate the counseling.

Our abusers are often able to schmooz the counselor...as they do most folks in general, as they did us in the beginning. And too often counselors are not equipped with the skills to recognize it, or deal with it.

My ex and I had to go for alcohol evaluations. And he totally schmoozed this alcohol counselor. He did the same thing with the GAL for my son, with the co-parenting psychiatrist and w/ my son's counselor. The last 3 all got it in the end...but it was work...real work on my part to get them to see the truth.

I really and truly see the only path out of an abusive relationship to be leaving. It is hard, it takes planning to do it safely. But it is the only way that's 100% sure to get you out.

Good luck, I will reiterate what my friend Ilene says and ask that you be alert and careful if you do go for counseling.

You are in my prayers....

I took my emotionally abusive husband to marriage counseling. The thing about abusers is that they are masters at manipulation, denial, saying things that they know others want to hear, and twisting the truth. Trying to get someone like that to honestly participate in a situation that exposes them for the selfish, insecure posers they really are is completely impossible.

The "retraumatizing" wasn't the issue for me. What was far worse was how he took the situation and information gained therein and twisted it in order to use it as a weapon now.

Of course the counseling didn't help. Mainly becuse he never really believed that he did anything wrong... and if he did, it was because of something I or the kids did to him. No matter how hard you try, you can never get an abuser to see the truth. They don't have the skills necessary for honest self-examination.

As a result of going to counseling with him, I now have to listen to his claims that I'm the villin and single handedly responsible for the failure of the marriage because I waited until he began to admit that he was doing things he needed to change, and had began to make "progress" by displaying small adjustments. This makes me look like I was unreasonable and "tricked" him somehow... thus, I'm the bad person, not him.

The truth of the matter is, he displayed the skills to be respectful and considerate to others... anyone outside our immediate family that is. So it's not like he had to learn them. The only thing he had to do was treat me and the kids with that same respect and consideration. But he felt that it was reasonable for me to wait for God knows how long for him to make his "progress" in reaching that goal. WTF?!?

When the person you claim to love most says, "this is what you're doing, and it's hurting me"... you STOP!!! Unless you're an abuser. Then you just keep doing what you're doing because no one is as important to you as you are to yourself.

Baybrat...Great comment! I just have a similar anecdote....

In my state we are required to take a parenting class if we want to get divorced. It's mandatory for everyone.

In this class they teach you, (or try) that when your co-parent does something that bothers you , or hurts you, or makes you angry...you should talk to them using "I" statements. I.e. "I feel angry when you let the kids do whatever they want because it makes it hard for me when they come back here."

We spend the majority of the class discussing how to not put the other person on the defensive, by using these statements. Now...the dr. who ran the class is my son's counselor, so I called him the next day and left him a voice mail...I said to him..."The information you are giving us is valuable, and good information. The only trouble I have is that it takes for granted that the other parent is a normal human being, who doesn't want to hurt you, or make you angry. But my son's father, if I were to tell him he made me angry, or hurt me, or whatever....would say "OH GOOD! THEN I'LL DO IT SOME MORE."

I know this, my son knows this...so, for us...it's still NO CONTACT.....

My very stbx hasn't taken the course yet...our divorce will be final very soon....I wish I could be a fly on the wall when they give the list of what not to do...He did every single one of them to my son....which is why my son won't even talk to him now.

ok my ex after my suggestion went to cpls councelling i think once maybe twice - compared to my individual councelling the cpls councellor was weird - he complied even offer to pay for it - but not long after all hell broke loose again - i dont know what happened but the councelling was fake on his behalf but then something occurred and it was back to gaslighting with me reacting not long afterwards - my ex would also go and see my personal T every now and again about communication - it would seem that he learned something but all it did was teach him how to manipulate me better and push the buttons to get the right response - sharing therapy with a narcissist or sociopath or one that has traits of both can be dangerous as they can charm even the best therapist until they true colours show which would probably take several years ... it can be dangerous based on my experience ... i know not helpful but that is just my experience thank you jd

Thanks for these responses - I have been wondering about this, too!

I have been for couples counselling, the counsellor got us to do role play and it was awful. all he wanted to talk about was his mother and what a bad person I was. he twisted everything to which point the counsellor said she couldn't believe I had acted a certain way. the way they say it though sounds believable and hard to argue against.
mine would also give the response he would do somthing more if i said how much something upset me although i usually get ignored as though i don't exist and that makes me angry which of course he knows

it is all a game of proving how evil the woman is and how perfect he is and a game we will never win