oh yea that would boil my blood too. what a crap excuse.
i'm sorry you had to deal with that.
warm hugs

And then when I ask if he is blaming me he says it was "the dynamic" meaning both of us together. Last I looked I never abused him. I never gave him the silent treatment. And when I did get the silent treatment, it was for ridiculous things like picking him up when he was drunk at a friend's house and "embarrassing" him, or texting him about damage done to the house by the power washer while he was at a wake.

Have you done my
Clarifying Index Card
exercise?

That will help make it
clear for yourself, if it
isn't already.

But I advise you in the
strongest terms, to
NEVER say to him
anything that he's
an abuser. An abuser
will never acknowledge
that he or she is abusive.

Please take good care.

well if they DO admit it they are usually trying to snow you for some reason. probably to keep you hooked in. "I am trying so hard to change" blah blah blah its crap usually. most of them will say ANYTHING if they think it may keep you.

My ex would claim I embarrassed him for completely reasonable stuff, too. I eventually figured he viewed responsibility as an inconvenience, and if he could find a way to put it on my plate so he could ignore it, he'd take the opportunity. Even if that meant wasting even more energy in the long run, by stewing in a ton of negative energy by my annoyance and his stonewalling, or turning it into an argument he refused to help resolve so I'd eventually give in and either take on the problem or ignore his part in it so it would stop getting between us.

He IS blaming you, and what he is probably doing is taking this crap from his programs and twisting it around to avoid responsibility. There are "dynamics" in OTHER kinds of relationships (meaning not abusive relationships) which both parties are responsible for, but in abusive relationships there is always an abuser, or a primary abuser, and nothing anyone does is deserving of abuse. NO EXCUSES! You are responsible having gotten into it (not knowing what you were getting into), staying in it, and getting out of it (which you did)-NOT for being abused.

May I ask why you haven't gone No Contact with this vile stbx of yours yet? It will change your life when you do.

cant74deal - i go no contact for a few weeks and then something with our house comes up (house is for sale, has been for 2 months now). I pray everyday this house sells bc that is the last tie we have.

If you can't avoid contact (and I'd go to great lengths to avoid contact) I would not respond to him about anything not related to what must be done to sell the house. If he makes personal comments, ignore them. Now, trust me, I know how difficult this is.

With my ex, I got baited into personal discussions again, and again, and again, and again. I just wanted to defend myself, I wanted to create boundaries, and call him out on his violations. He made me so mad, his comments were so ridiculous and untrue, I felt compelled by the injustice of it to correct it all-but I couldn't. All I managed to do is to open myself up to more abuse, and stir up every issue and emotion from the abuse which made it impossible to heal or move forward, it put my focus back on him instead of myself and that was the ultimate injustice.

He hoovered me with that crap. He still got to create opportunities to abuse me, which is what he really wanted above all else anyway, above living together, above the status of being married, above sex, above anything that I thought was important in a relationship. I know it's hard, but try not to let him bait you. You will never get honesty, or accountability, or closure, or rationality out of him. EVER.

I am trying my hardest not to reply. It is so so so hard!

I'm also trying to stick with no contact but I think with time it will get easier for all of us who are in the same boat. They never admit they were the abuser. Mine also says I abused him not the other way around. It's BS I have much validation from friends and my son who know what was going on. I don't need validation from him anymore. But I know it's hard to accept or to listen to him tell you lies.