Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I really don't trust my mental state these days, and neither does anyone else. I know I've heard and experienced things that are inexcusable.
But right now, she's so supportive, and really wants to change, and support me, and prove her love for me.
So I'm looking for hard, objective rules I could set so that I don't have to worry about judging whether something has or has not occurred. Really, for her, too - so that she isn't dependant on hoping that I overreact to a completely innocent remark. But I don't want everything to be 'if this happens, I file for divorce' I figure enough of those, and I'll get exactly that result.
All i've got right now is "If you say anything along the lines of 'I don't care if the children live or die' again, I'm contacting a lawyer. I'll give you one warning, because you don't believe me when I say you've said it. I'll point it out to you once - and only once, and give you a chance to rephrase."
I'm trying to pinpoint hard rules like that that I could apply to the criticalness, the belittling, the diminishing, the jealousy, the rage, the ignoring me, the denial, the correcting, the pinching, the threatening herself, the guilt trips, the being in absolute control of the kids... They just all seem so nebulous and open to interpretation.
Thoughts?
But right now, she's so supportive, and really wants to change, and support me, and prove her love for me.
So I'm looking for hard, objective rules I could set so that I don't have to worry about judging whether something has or has not occurred. Really, for her, too - so that she isn't dependant on hoping that I overreact to a completely innocent remark. But I don't want everything to be 'if this happens, I file for divorce' I figure enough of those, and I'll get exactly that result.
All i've got right now is "If you say anything along the lines of 'I don't care if the children live or die' again, I'm contacting a lawyer. I'll give you one warning, because you don't believe me when I say you've said it. I'll point it out to you once - and only once, and give you a chance to rephrase."
I'm trying to pinpoint hard rules like that that I could apply to the criticalness, the belittling, the diminishing, the jealousy, the rage, the ignoring me, the denial, the correcting, the pinching, the threatening herself, the guilt trips, the being in absolute control of the kids... They just all seem so nebulous and open to interpretation.
Thoughts?
I am assuming she is abusive toward you, this is totally what it sounds like.
She knows you are unhappy and are threatening to leave.
My thoughts are if an abuser knows you want to leave--They will do or say ANYTHING to get you to stay, or bring you back. It is all just lip service. Abusers do not want to lose their victim. (you)
This is why she is all of a sudden nice. This lasts until they feel they have you under control again and then the bad abuse gets even worse.
Abusers always want to change, but it is so very rare to change for the good. They almost always change for the worse.
I am so sorry, I hope things get better for you.
If you decide you have had enough and want out. Make a plan and get out, do NOT tell her. Just get out when you can.
Good luck
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))0
She is actually being very careful - not touching me without permission, checking to make sure that I didn't hear something as dismissive or authoritative or critical or isolating. We've even had some fairly emotionally packed conversations without blowups.
But at the same time, the most I've really done is go a day or two without contacting her - which makes her sad, but she's not tearing me up over it. She wants to help me, but can't really bring herself to see herself as the problem. She's willing to accept half the blame, though, and I'm no angel. I know that at some point, I'm going to need to stand firm, and push some of the buttons I've avoided pushing for so long. Just to get information, if nothing else.
But I'd like to have the boundaries set firmly in place before I do so.
I think the number one way for her to prove her love to you is to admit what she is doing to herself, and get help. Serious help. It's not a matter of "I promise to be nicer", she needs to PROVE she is working on it. Otherwise, there is no point in setting a boundary because she will just jump it.
My girlfriend has borderline personality disorder and PTSD. She is upfront about it. It's serious stuff, and she goes to 3 hours of intense therapy once per week, plus AA meetings 4-5 times per week. Her therapy is much more than just talking about her feelings and taking a few pills. What has helped me is to realize she is not mad at me, she is mad at herself. She is not angry, she is scared. She knows her reactions and moods are irrational, and she hates herself for them.
I recently read the book "Stop walking on eggshells" and found it very valuable. If you really want to deal with things and try and work with her, don't make boundaries sound like threats. You need to approach her in such a way that allows her feelings to be valid and listened to, but express that you feel differently. So, if she says "I don't care if the children live or die," tell her that is a very serious thing to say, and ask her if she means it, and tell her if she is serious then you need to take her to get help. She needs to know how her actions affect others, and if you set a hard or threatening boundary she will view your boundary as the problem and not her action.
A few months ago, my girlfriend decided to move out. And after she was gone for a few hours, she called me up and cried and blamed me for forcing her into a crappy apartment, told me she hates me and the whole nine yards. I reminded her that she decided to move in with me in the first place, she decided to move out, and that if she hated me like she said, she shouldn't want to live with me anyway. I suggested to her that she was just scared, and that if she was really that scared, she could come back over for the night, and then I hung up. Sure enough, she came back over, and cried, and admitted that she doesn't hate me, she hates herself and her parents, and that she isn't angry, just scared and confused.
If you truly want to work with your wife, bear in mind there will always be outbursts like this. She will say and do irrational things that hurt if you can't remain calm. And you will have to deal with her in ways that seem backward compared to the way you deal with most people. The kinds of hard boundaries you decribe will make things worse, because her brain does not function like most people's. But first, she has to admit her problems and seek professional help.
Before you set boundries like Azkevin said you need to know how serious she is in trying to make things work and get better. I have learned myself that a lot of what they say is just lip service because when push comes to shove their actions don't match their words for very long. I can say this from personal experience.
Wished we could be more positive and give more advice but there are things and information you should determine before knowing exactly what boundries to set.
P.S. Welcome and post here whenever you need to, this is an amazing group!!!
Sending lots of strength and encouragement your way!!!!
I should clarify - when she says "I don't care if the kids live or die" I mean she says it about me.
It's kind of her standard response when I suggest something about the kids - maybe we should talk about moving my son out of the crib? "You want him to stick his finger in the power outlet and die!?" Take down the baby gate at the top of the stairs? "You want him to fall down the stairs and crack his skull open?!" Go play in the front yard for two minutes? "I can't believe you wouldn't care if he ran into the street and got hit by a car!" It was the response to moving him out of a high chair, out of the carseat to a booster seat, it's why she constantly reminds me and cracks down on me to make sure that I'm doing all of my daughter's meds and medical treatments. Even when I started pushing that my 7 year old daughter was old enough to shower without adult supervision.
And then when she makes the same choice, it's perfectly fine and acceptable.