Hey, ladies (and gents!). I'm not sure if anyone remembers me. I always thought I'd come back and spread awareness and support, much in the way that people did for me when I was active in this group (and on this website). But I didn't really do that. I've been busy with life, I suppose... But every day I think of this group and the wonderful warriors and survivors who taught me to free myself and encouraged me to be more than the victim I was. Thank you. I appreciate you.

I don't know if anyone uses this site much anymore. Let alone anyone from back then... I was here back in 2010. I had the username LivingDeadGirlx, I believe. I had a lot of usernames, honestly. Lol I was such a young adult then. A single mom navigating the world and my first relationship, which turned out to be abusive and traumatic... I'm not where I would have always liked to have been by now--I'm 28 and I'm still not finished with college, and my daughter and I both struggle with our issues. But I've been in active recovery from my eating disorder since 2014, and I've gone 10 months and 2 days without self-harm. It's an accomplishment.

I didn't think I'd live this long. I didn't think I was going to make it this far, you know? So I wish I was more caught up to all my friends who have husbands/wives, careers, houses of their own, etc... But I'm not. But I try not to forget that I am still infinitely further along in life than I thought I would be when I was 17-19. I am trying to get into college again, in the Fall 2018 semester. I wanted to be a nurse. I'm not sure if that's still the goal or not, but I do know that I'd like to be in the medical/psychiatric field. My daughter is 9. I can't believe how fast time goes... When I left my abuser/ex, I was so young. I was so scared. My daughter was only 2. She is this spunky, wild, gorgeous little girl, and she is growing up. I love her so much and I'm so glad I'm still here for her. I look back and I know I made the right decision leaving... 

If you are in an abusive relationship, and you are asking yourself, "How can I make him better? How can I change his behaviors?"--Please, listen to these words... You can't. You will never change him. You want to and that makes you a beautiful person, but eventually, you have to stop trying so hard to take care of him and take care of YOU. You matter. You and your children, if you have any, are the most important people in your lives. None of the things he says or does to you is fair or okay. IT IS WRONG. It is illegal. It is absolutely, 100% essential that you LEAVE that relationship, before you are killed. I know--it sounds dramatic. But I promise you, it isn't. You will notice, as time progresses, that things have gotten worse--or changed. The abuse has become physical, or the verbal abuse happens more. You will notice yourself, talking negatively at the reflection in the mirror. It is HIS fault. (Or hers* I'm not biased, and I am very aware that there are female abusers in relationships/families as well). It is THEIR fault. And I promise you that after a time--it's different for everyone how long that time is--you will realize your worth, and you will see clearly the abuse and pain you faced, and how wrong it was. How undeserved. If you need someone to talk to, reach out to a friend. And when they snap at you angrily, blaming and desperate, saying things like, "Well you're stupid for being with them!"--take a minute to try to see the pain behind their words. Sometimes.... It is concern. My dad used to curse and yell. He wasn't being abusive. He was scared. He was angry. He has always been a protective father. Now... This is not me saying it's okay that he cursed or yelled. But we--as victims and survivors of abuse--will instantly see any and all hostile action and behavior as "abuse" at times. And I want to make it clear that's not always the case. Sometimes it's just people don't know how to help. They are so terrified for you, watching you risk being dead by morning, to stay with someone who does not--who CAN NOT--truly love you. And you deserve to be loved. YOU are amazing and beautiful and there is so much more to you than the words your abuser feeds you. Get away. Find a safe place. Being homeless is better than being abused, I promise you. With time, and therapy, and kindness from those around you--you will find your way back to yourself. Your true self--not the self he/she made you into with gaslighting and abuse and cruelty.

You are not dead. You are here, you are real, and what you go through (or went through*) is REAL, and VALID. And you matter. I see you. Others see you. I just wanted you to know that.

I know this post isn't much. I'm sure not many people remember me. And those who do might not be on this site anymore, anyway. But for those who do, a thank you is in order. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for suggesting that I leave, that I put my daughter first, for listening to me vent on a daily basis about the ways in which he would hurt me. Thank you for being a part of this website--to which I have found so many friends, even though I haven't been on here in years. Thank you for your courage and your bravery--for speaking out, sharing your story, and your strength. You are all angels. I am forever grateful for all of you. New members included, as you are the face of the future for this website, and you are the reason more people will be brave and honest about their pain and their lives...

Much love, always and forever,

Phoebe. NOT living dead girl. Because I'm alive. And I promise---so are you. x