I've been off the grid for several months, working on me--reading so many self-help, spiritual "awakening", and healing from abuse books that I feel information is coming out of my ears; and trying to focus on finishing my BA and being with my family more. Surprisingly, things have been relatively quiet in my house....for the most part. My H got a new position at work that gives him more power than he already had there; on the plus side it also means he is home even less than he was before (how pathetic has my life become that I actually count the hours when he isn't home as the best of my life!!) My son is back home and has enrolled in a program at the community college that will truly get his life on track (thank God!!) and I am so excited for him (not to mention ecstatic that my baby is back in the nest lol!) Of course this is the cause of some static and friction with my H who really shows his true colors when it comes to my family. Overall, things have been reasonably good...to the point that I forgot how desperately I needed to extract myself from this relationship again, until recently.

It's amazing, and kind of sad, that after living with abuse for so long we tend to think we don't need kindness and connection in our relationships; simply having peace and quiet for the most part is often enough to feel like a good relationship. I wonder why that is? It often takes another major meltdown for my mind to start reeling again and for me to realize that "hey...this isn't normal, healthy, or desirable. I am not really happy; the absence of constant pain does not mean that things are going well." Oh well. Just a little vent.

What happened this time is that my sister dared to have another baby, and I dared to actually want to go visit her and the new baby. Even though he wasn't going to be home, you can imagine that this caused a major uproar in his life. He has been pouting (and yes, there is no other way to explain his behavior) since Thursday when she had the baby. He isn't speaking to anyone in the house, except to make snide comments about how he always has to take care of himself (???????) and how I am so wrapped up in my stupid family that I don't really care about him. Wow.....I had forgotten what a toddler he can become when he isn't the center of the universe. Oh well, I have come to think of these moments as the Universe's reminders to me that all is not well and that myself and my children deserve far better. When I get too complacent (as I have become over the past several months) something happens to shake things up and things get ugly for a while. Now if only I can heed the warnings this time. I have no excuses really; sure money is tight, but that's to be expected, but I definitely will have the time to formulate a viable plan and get it together now that classes are finished.

Sorry, I hope everyone is well and I just needed to vent for a minute.