Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
As a licensed therapist, I trust the power of support groups. This is just the first time I have used one myself. I will try to keep it short, but I do have a tendency to get chatty!
I am almost 24 and have been in an on-and-off (mostly on) relationship for 4 years. This has been my first real relationship and what you can call my first true love. Our relationship had always been rocky, but after a hiatus we have been together since March. I thought the stars had aligned and that we were in it for the long haul. However, as the cycle of violence goes, things progressively got tense. I recently completed a graduate program in only a year that usually takes 2 years. While this is a huge accomplishment for me, it was also hugely stressful and I got, well, huge! I gained 10 lbs and my boyfriend took notice. As time went on the barbs about my weight (already a sensitive topic) become more frequent. He then started telling me we stopped having sex because of my weight. Other snide comments started during this time too. I was "lazy and unproductive" because I slept in until 10:00 on Saturday mornings. My skin wasn't clear enough. He suddenly hated my wardrobe. I even walked too slow for him. It all culminated on NYE when he told me that he had seen his ex girlfriend (who he dated during our hiatus). He said she lost about 50 lbs and that I "had ample amount of time to do the same." The next morning I packed my things up and left his condo for good....well hopefully for good. Though I know this was abusive behavior, I still feel incredibly lonely. I haven't even told friends and family that we have broken up because I am afraid I will give in and give him another shot. I don't want to see the eye rolls and hear "here we go again." Any support is greatly appreciated :)
I am almost 24 and have been in an on-and-off (mostly on) relationship for 4 years. This has been my first real relationship and what you can call my first true love. Our relationship had always been rocky, but after a hiatus we have been together since March. I thought the stars had aligned and that we were in it for the long haul. However, as the cycle of violence goes, things progressively got tense. I recently completed a graduate program in only a year that usually takes 2 years. While this is a huge accomplishment for me, it was also hugely stressful and I got, well, huge! I gained 10 lbs and my boyfriend took notice. As time went on the barbs about my weight (already a sensitive topic) become more frequent. He then started telling me we stopped having sex because of my weight. Other snide comments started during this time too. I was "lazy and unproductive" because I slept in until 10:00 on Saturday mornings. My skin wasn't clear enough. He suddenly hated my wardrobe. I even walked too slow for him. It all culminated on NYE when he told me that he had seen his ex girlfriend (who he dated during our hiatus). He said she lost about 50 lbs and that I "had ample amount of time to do the same." The next morning I packed my things up and left his condo for good....well hopefully for good. Though I know this was abusive behavior, I still feel incredibly lonely. I haven't even told friends and family that we have broken up because I am afraid I will give in and give him another shot. I don't want to see the eye rolls and hear "here we go again." Any support is greatly appreciated :)
By the way, I think he is extremely jealous of your success and accomplishments. He is punishing you for that. You DO NOT DESERVE this kind of disgusting behavior. It is disgusting. I know very well because I got it too from my abusive ex.
He is an abuser, a jealous abuser who will only get worse.
I know that you feel lonely, (trust me, so do I) but life is so much better without abuse.
Also, read up on emotional abuse by Lundy Bancroft and Patricia Evans. VERY helpful!
A BIG hug to you!
p.s totally NORMAL to feel lonely and want to give in. Just work on those index cards :-)
Not only that ... even if you had put on 100 pounds, it wouldn't change who you are. You know this. You are so much more than a number on a set of scales. And anyone who stops having sex with you because of a number on a set of scales, or is seeing someone else because of a number on a set of scales is SO not worth your time! Someone who can't see your achievements, support you in them, rejoice with you in them - and commiserate with you (and help out) with the side-effects of those amazing achievements, isn't worth your time.
I have personally never known loneliness like that of being with someone who doesn't value me as a person. I am mostly alone now, but the people in my life value me, and so I am SO much less lonely.
Oh yeah and feel free to get chatty - might make me look a tiny bit less wordy. :-)
No contact was really hard for me at first, but it's the best thing. Yes it's lonely, but as Liv said, nothing is more lonely that being with an abuser. I like my alone time. I do things with friends & am doing my best to make the most of my freedom.
Don't worry about your friends & family. If they roll their eyes, just remember that what they think about you is none of your business. That is one of the best things I learned last year! Let your light of your truth shine!
Remain strong and don't even consider giving him another opportunity to damage you.
Sounds like you have many
inner resources. Now you
have the opportunity to add
another couple:
self-possession
and
healthy high self-regard
I'd put money on you
having the wherewithal to
NOT RETURN to ABUSE.
To support your efforts, you
might want to take a look at
the thread:
Ilene's Clarifying Index Card exercise.
I created it to help identify abuse
and empower a survivor to
move away from and beyond
an abusive relationship.
I'll bump it now.
Take good care of yourself.
Hugs and healing thoughts.
Apparently!
Either that, or he was trying to find a way to justify his affair with his ex, which is MUCH more likely. Don't let the door hit him where the good lord split him!!
NY Dreams~ You are doing Wonderful! It doesnt get Better when you go back! It gets worse!
YOU deserve a relationship, minus all these Cycles!
Fill up your Lonely time, with things YOU enjoy! that make YOU smile and Feel the important that you are!
Time will go by when you thoughts arent on him, he doesnt deserve anything about you!
You can do this! one day at a time... Give yourself weekly Goals of no contact with him... you will see the time fly by and you can be without him... He will get worse.. Life is so much better without Abuse!!
All that...all of it that he said, and did, was for power and control. That's what abuse is about, it's a tool to gain power and control. I once told my ex, after I was gone, "the only control you ever had over me was the amount you loved me, which was not at all." But they don't believe it, they think love is a weakness. Their loss.
I have to say, going sideways on your post for a minute, I keep thinking that here is one therapist who will know what someone means when they say they are in an emotionally abusive relationship. The world needs more that understand it, tho, I think it would be better NOT to have lived it, to learn it. :-P
Big hugs, I'm glad you found us. We are here for you.
Because abusers are very adept liars and very good at being deceptive and hiding their true nature, that of feeling superior and entitled. It can happen to anyone. It doesn't matter what your training or carreer is. Obviously you recognized his behavior as abusive much sooner than many people here and knew it was time to get out so you are way ahead of most. Most of us not only get in but stay in and return many times before ending it for good, so good for you for not hanging in there hoping he will change. Because as we all know, abusers don't.
It's good to trust the power of support groups but it's even more powerful to trust your own judgement and that is something that many, including myself are having to learn to do again. It sounds like that is something that you didn't allow him to destroy. I think the next step would be to learn to recognize red flags to prevent getting involved with another abuser.