My husband actually did have cancer. Before he was diagnosed I had been trying to get him to agree to go to counselling for a few months because I knew we (he) had problems. I was still naive at the time and thought he didn't realize what he was doing i.e. needed someone else to explain it to him. He said he wasn't ready yet...screwed up in the head, needed some time to figure things out. Then he was diagnosed. The next year (the last year we were together) was a total nightmare. He was worse than he had ever been except for the month his was in and out of the hospital after surgeries when he turned back into my husband again...because he was vulnerable (I took the whole month off work to take of him). Then came the high dose chemo. I discussed counselling with him again and he said he couldn't deal with our marriage and treatments at the same time. I was stuck. I couldn't leave him while he was sick...wouldn't that make me a complete b*tch of a wife? I couldn't be demanding while he was fighting for his life, right? And the whole time he treated me like total garbage. Finally, just before his last or second to last does of chemo he told me it was over and threw me out. God, as I'm writing this I can't even believe it. So ya, I totally get it Martin. Just be thankful it was only 5 months and not a whole year! Sorry for what she put you through.

I think all abusers believe they have a 'license to abuse'.
I also think no one should stay with an abuser.

Yes I agree Gina, they all think they have license to abuse, but its situations like these that make it harder for the victim to stick up for themselves without feeling selfish or unsupportive because of what their partner is going through. No one should stay with an abuser but situations like this make it harder to leave. If my H hadn't been sick, I wouldn't have stayed with him that last year unless he agreed to get help. The cancer gave him an excuse not to. If I only knew then what I know now....

All abusers believe
they have a license
to abuse.

And then,
they do.

I agree with everyone.

They all believe they are in the right. But it makes it that much harder for their targets when abusers attempt to use horrible things that have or have not happened to them as an excuse.

And actually, it`s pretty insulting too to all those who have had such things happen and who have not been people who would take advantage of their misfortunes like that. They are reducing a terrible illness or twist of fate to a tool. Repulsive, really.

In the same league are abusers who actually blame others for their misfortunes. As a kid, I remember my Mum telling me it was my fault she had grey hairs - and not in fun. Dad said all the "stress" of me falling in love was making his hernia worse. B******s.

This happens a lot in my husband`s culture as well. People say, "Don`t deviate from the norm, your mother will have a heart attack, your father will lose his standing." That is the criminality; not the person just trying to live his or her life without abusing anyone.

Sorry wiggy if that brought back painful memories. It was a rough time. I did think what a horrible person I would be if I left her when we thought she had cancer. Once I found out she didnt all bets were off. I looked for support groups online for this but not much to sepak of.
I think the point is this is a case of an abusive person having an illness. And I think they felt it was "justified" to abuse others. Or in other words, a license to abuse meaning that it's ok. I actaully had a co-wroker tell me that I would likely be abused and I was supposed to just "take it". It depends how much you love that person. My Dad did the same thing but he was dying and I took it becasue I loved him.

Yes Martin, I understand the point you were making. Maybe I didn't explain mine very well. In the examples I gave, the people concerned did and would use the things that happened to them as excuses to emotionally abuse others. Their thinking would be, "Because I am in this awful situation, I can do what I want to you."

Abusers know what they are doing...They are smart..they just use their intelligence for evil instead of good.. There is nothing ''wrong'' with them. They have been allowed to behave this way, with no consequences for terrorizing others. Abusers choose to abuse. They do this because they want to, and because they can. I do however understand why you have stayed with her in the past. You felt sorry for her, and she took advantage of that. Now, you first priority is to yourself, and your health. Find a way to get to a safe place if you can. If you can't, stay away from her as much as possible. You are not alone.

My H said a number of times while he was sick that he felt he deserved to be selfish...to only think about himself while he was sick. Of course he didn't admit that he was that way before he got sick, lol, but it was harder to argue with him when he was sick. And with everyone feeling sorry for him, agreeing with him and rallying around him, what is a victim to do? And then we he started to get better he told me the cancer had made him realize how short life is. Too short to spend it miserable with someone like me. Too short to spend it worrying about anyone's feelings and happiness but his own. Too short not to do whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to do it and however he wants to do i.e. I would just be in the way. Of course I always was. I still think he was always justified in his own mind for abusing me even before he got sick. The cancer just gave him more excuses to get away with it. But I do see what you're saying Martin.

Wow,

OMG Wiggy my wife said the same thing. She thought that she deserved to be selfish and only think of herself when she was sick. And I of course said but dont abuse me, I'm helping you. I dont understand that logic. I am sick right now and am still more worried about others.
Bunny and Angel I agree with you 100%.
My parents used to blame their marraige on me. because I stayed out late etc, now I know that was wrong

I think illness amplifies how we truly think. My H had a mild H event last summer. It was all about him. I have 2 kids but he excpected me to be at the hospital with him every min. I have migraine headaches. Chronic ones and they take alot out of my life but I would never ask him or them to give up anything because of me. I usually dont even mention how bad it is to avoid them missing out on something (if we plan a fun outting and I dont go he wont take just the kids). Some ppl just naturally think differently and have to struggle to put others first.

I think that the other reason they get worse in situations that are or may appear life-threatening (such as cancer) is because they know their victim is at a disadvantage. They always feel justified in abusing, but they know they have to have limits in order to not lose their victim. But of course, a decent person is much MUCH less likely to stand up to them, or worse still leave them, when they are so ill. So they don't need to pretend they don't know what they are doing, or pretend to be thinking of their "partner's" needs. They can come right out and SAY that they deserve to be allowed to abuse, knowing their victim is stuck.