I been texting him for his sales only and to vent a little bit. He doesn't care I know, but I have been better about not texting him. I deleted his number from my phone, but I still get requests for his sales and I know I can just give them the number, but I don't have the guts to tell everyone where i am at with this. Because it's been an on going break up get back together, and so on and so on, it gets old, I know because I was always on the other side of the fence when I was single, and didn't understand what the problem was and why didn't they just leave them if they were so miserable. I mean in my thoughts I was like, they must like the abuse becuase they stay and have black eyes and broken bones and they still go back. It was so frustrating for me back then, but now I'm on this side of the fence and I see first hand what an abuse victim goes through.
I been coming on here more to vent about everything, and say what I want to say to him, and I still find myself waiting for his phone call. It sucks. I keep looking at my phone hoping he will call/text something. I hate being without him.
I worry that I may be delusional or something. I feel like if I can just talk to him we can work things out. I still feel hope, but the last time when we talked, he told me if I kick him out that was it, and it would be over, and forget about ever trying again. I agreed, and now I wish I didn't make him leave. It sounds bad I know, maybe a few weeks down the road I will feel differently, but right now I don't see this as a good move on my part.
I hope I don't ruffle any feathers, but i am planning on going into counseling again. I am so tired of counseling. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but my life is so busy in the first place I really don't have time, and for them to tell me what I should already know, maybe, it will do me some good. I just think do I really have time to go sit and talk to someone about all this. I guess just talking myself out of it.
I just wish I could go off by myself and just be and sit quietly somewhere and let this sink in that my relationship is over. I don't want it to be over. It don't make sense, why when I get treated like crap and am miserable when he is around, why do I want all that back.
I love the man I fell in love with, not the stranger that left me. I love the laughter, the talking late into the night, the planning of what we were going to do the next day, the trips.
Why is it so easy to see the good things that happened. Why is it so easy to forgive the abuse when they are gone out of our lives. Why do I feel like leaving him is wrong. Why do I feel like if i'm not there he won't survive, when I know he is doing fine without me. Why do I feel like I can fix this. why do i feel like love can conquer all things. why do I feel like with god all things are possible. why do i feel like i am to blame for the breakup of our relationship. why do i feel like i am the messed up one. is it because of the abuse i went through with my exh. did i abuse him like he said. my daughter says i am abusive, maybe i am. why do i want to just make this all my fault.