This is a difficult time and
you'll find out who your
real friends are.

If someone is unkind, I
wouldn't worry about
letting them go.

If someone is confused
or just ignorant, they still
might be worth another
try. It's a case by case
kind of thing.

Most important for You
right now, is to practice
meticulous SELF-CARE.

Those who are heart-friends
will become apparent, as
the details shake themselves
out.

Take good care of yourself.

I too have let friends go. I can count my true friends on one finger haha!

But in all seriousness, your discovering your new boundaries, some friends will fit in there, some will push them. As u start to discover which ones are really hearing you then you'll start to walk away from the ones that don't!

You've had a lot of upheaval in your life recently, and you have lost a lot. That creates an incredible amount of stress that you're living with right now, so it's no wonder some decisions might be more difficult. So please take it easy on yourself, take extra-good care of yourself, and as for which friends to try and keep and which ones to let go, all I can say is follow your gut instincts.

In a very real sense, you are starting your life over from scratch. I don't know if this helps any, but when I went through this, I lost most of my family, who had been my main support system, and I knew I was starting my life over again from point zero. I love the ocean, so I found a bunch of pictures of ships -- beautiful, tall ships like the kind my ancestors sailed in when they came to the New World -- and I put them up on my walls. Some of those pictures are still up. I imagined myself sailing across the ocean to a New World, a completely new life.

Also, images from this final scene of "Shakespeare in Love" kept running through my head:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrxIR2uja8w

This helped me to cope. In any event, you are starting your life over again. On the negative side, it's very hard, and scary, and lonely at first. On the positive side, we can look at it as an adventure and a chance to make our new lives whatever we want them to be.

Right there with you, Itwist. It's especially hard when they're RIGHT THERE, and you are capable of having so much fun with them... If only either of you would behave like you used to. But you can't, and they won't. So you're alone.

Amen.

I agree with the others, and in particular in trusting your instinct. Over time, particularly with the work you are doing, you will know who your true friends are. And honestly, if you let someone go right now who it turns out is a true friend, then they still will be.

I let a good friend go years ago, mainly due to my abusive relationship. I truly believed that she had let me go, she believes I let her go - and in hindsight, I think she's probably right. I let my abuser get to me about how she really wasn't that good a friend, blah blah blah. Years later, as part of my own healing from my last relationship, I found and got in contact with her. We talked through what our thoughts had been and why, she listened to what I said about my "reasons" for what I did and my apologies for it, and we are now good friends again. Not AS close as we were, but that's to be expected - we have both changed in the 10 years apart, plus we don't live close any more.

True friends will always be true friends. And as you grow in strength and self-worth, you will know who they are. In between can definitely be a very lonely time, and I wish I had something to make it better or easier.

"For instance, my old roommate from college. I texted her shortly after I left the ex. She responded she was sorry to hear and asked if she could buy me a drink over the weekend. I couldn't as that was the weekend I was moving stull out of one of the houses. Haven't heard from her since. Is it wrong of me to decide to let the friendship go?"

Your former roommate offered help in a tough situation and you turned that down. That's understandable you had some things going in your life, but protocol would say it's up to you to thank her for the offer and try to get together. I don't think you should be mad at her for a kind offer;

Perhaps you are right Bobby. Maybe my expectations are too high.

I wouldn't say your expectations are too high I think the point is to make sure it's not crossed wires. Like I said you'll let go of the friends who are not really there but u should find that out and be sure first, saves a lot of confusion in the long run, but your expectations are never too high, you're just findin your feet that's all

Keep your expectations of friends as high as you want. It's your choice where a line is drawn because it's your life and you deserve to set the benchmark for who you let into it, wherever you want it to be. If you set it very very high, there will be few who meet it, but they will be exactly the sort of people you want. If you set it very very low, there will be many who meet it but not all will treat you very well.

Set the mark wherever YOU want it to be.

Hi Itwist,

I have had trouble with this issue all my life, actually; not just after an abusive marriage. So I will try and add my insight for you.

Once, as a mature teenager, I was called up by a friend on a Friday night. She said, "Hi, do you want to go out? I've tried everyone else and they are all busy."

I politely refused the invitation and did not initiate contact with her ever again. Rightly, I think, my anger inside indicated a self-worth boundary had been breached. I was not just 'filler' to be used whenever others could not entertain her. Why hadn't she called ME earlier - not arrogantly asking this, but honestly? She could have, but did not.

I really wish I had continued with this reaction to ALL instances of mistreatment that would come my way after that one. I put up for way too long with people being inconsiderate, and often downright rude.

It's OK to not have a huge raft of friends, like Livn says. Things like Facebook appear to make other people look like they have a ton of them, but many are just friends in name only; they are there to make up the numbers in each other's profiles!!

Someone once told me that if you want to know if someone is a real friend, ask this: would they care if you were on the street?

I am not particularly religious, but there was a wonderful song we used to sing in school, that still makes me cry. One of the verses went:

"Would you walk by on the other side
When you saw a loved one stray (as in, in trouble)?
Would you walk by on the other side
Or would you watch and pray?"

The chorus went:

"Cross over the road, my friend
Ask the Lord His strength to lend
His compassion has no end
Cross over the road."

It would be no bad thing, IMHO, if we were prepared to help others who needed it when we had the capability and resources, but paid careful attention to how that help was received, and who gave US that kind of help from their heart... and decide who to allow further into our lives as a result.

Hope this helps xx

i had friends who deserted me for the kind of parents i have and still get blamed for it today. i still talk to my best friend from hs on facebook went to her house this summer and that was it. i got rid of a narc friend in 09. i just have my bf i don't have any friends anymore my parents destroyed that hope they are happy. who wants to be friends with someone who is unemployed and can't find work?

however, i do want a set of new friends i just can't be friends with someone who has kids that isn't my cup of tea. i want better friends than i had long ago....

Itwist--- my story is different... I didn't have any friends.... the only friends I was allowed were the spouses of his friends... and then I was only allowed to talk to them when he was willing to have contact with his friends...
I have one close friend....oddly enough he let us build our house in the same development as her.... and then he got mad every time I went to visit her and yelled about how she lives her life.... so I eventually limited my contact...
Oddly enough... she is still my best friend and I see her more lately than I had... she says it is because now she is allowed to see me. She never told me she knew so much about how he treated me and she was always quiet if I told her much... in a nice way. But in the last 2 or so weeks... I have discovered she has a lot of anger towards him for the way he treated me for years.....