Wow. i could have written your post. My mother (actually i call her the person who gave birth to me) abused me. She even told me when I was 18 that I wasn't her daughter. How nice, huh?
For years I have walked around feeling like I had this big ol mark on me showing everybody i was 'different' b/c i didnt' have a normal mother, actually didnt have a mother at all.
I still feel like a lost little girl at times, and have a dependency issue with people... separation anxiety.
the thing is, my mother just up and left and cut me out of her life, so really i dont have to go through the spell of cutting her out of my life.
But you have to do what is best for you. Even though she is your mother, she isn't healthy for you. Communication is always key, but then there is that chance she could cut you down again. Trust yourself--you know more than you think you do. I believe in you, and i'm right there with you.
I haven't been able to get over the abuse, dont think i ever truly will, but i've learned to just live with it, its a part of my life now.

i hope i helped.

That sounds just like me! I finally confronted my mom (although the abuse from my dad was worse) and we argued (more like yelled) but I felt better getting it off my chest. I haven't had a chance to confront my dad, but if I did I would definitely take it. Although my mom lives close to me, I hardly see her. It triggers bouts of depression and brings back all the thoughts that are detrimental to my own health and well-being.

Thanks for your insight girls. I have tried to communicate with my mother about this, but she gets very self defensive. The thing is, i've never been able to voice my opinion with her. In fact i used to get in trouble if i even spoke aloud sometimes!I always feel stifled, irritated and annoyed when she is around, which is also dertrimental to my well being. But she is really close to my kids, and i always fear that she will hold a grudge against me if i tell her off, and take it out on my kids by ignoring them. It's something she would do.It's such a difficult, complicated problem. The feelings she helped to create within me are so deeply engrained that i feel like i will never get over it. I just hope i can forgive her eventually, because this is weighing me down.
And Bella, i totally relate. My mother once told me that i was a mistake!

I found my mother did not want to know ,she wants to pretend everything is ok and by confounting her I ended up being cut off from her ,she says she just cant deal with talking to me because I blame her for things she didnt do...thing is even when I grew up she is abusive so its not just the past is it ,even cutting off and not having any comunication is a form of abuse as she is punishing me for speaking up.I think we have to find healing alone because these abusive people will not help.It is good to write it all down but sending it may be a problem .It depends if you are willing to be rejected or not.Having your say can come with a high price.

PS ,my mother rejected my kids too .and my sisters kids ,just cut us all out of her life just for asking her to talk to us with a counsillor to help...

Thank you for the great response Stephanie. Something happened this evening relating to my mother, and i am so upset. It started off with her hurting one of my daughters feelings, then treating one of my other kids like complete crap... and it finally dawned on me. She is treating my children the same way she did to me. Maybe not to the same extreme, but nonetheless it is abuse!! I am so upset with myself for allowing this to happen, it makes me wonder what kind of damage she might have already done to my poor little girls :( God it hurts so much that i can't stop crying. To think of my daughter wondering what is wrong with her, as my mother blatantly told her " you are such a miserable little girl. you make everyone around you miserable." These were some of her favorite words to me growing up. I am so scared to stand up to her but if she is harming my children in any way whatsoever, i have to put a stop to it!! It's just that my twins are so close to her and i know it is going to confuse them if i suddenly cut their grandma out of their life.I just don't want my kids to ever feel unloved, unwanted or rejected as i did. I don't know what to do...i just can't believe i never saw it before? It makes me question how much better of a parent am i? That i have been subjecting them to the same kind of abuse that i am just starting to deal with? What is going on? I am so completely torn up about this.

I can't tell you how sorry I am for what you've had to put up with. I also had a very verbally abusive mother. Since I was very little, she knew just how to "chip" away at every little bit of my self esteem and confidance. She was good about treating me well in front of others. I used to think she was like Jekyll and Hyde. But many people could see the damage she did. It's still with me today and she's been dead for five years now.

We're brought up to respect our mother and not talk back. But what about OUR respect? Just because they gave birth to us doesn't give them the right to treat us like that. To me, verbal abuse hurts so much more than a slap across the face.

I have no idea what to tell you. I went through it. Nothing I ever said or did seemed to please her. Nothing was ever quite good enough.

It was my dad's suicide that finally made me stand up to her and tell her that I had enough. I was 42. I should have done it so many years before that. I was so proud and my dad would have been, too.

You shouldn't have to put up with anything like that. Yes, she is your mother but she's not being a very good person. Would you take that kind of verbal abuse from a girlfriend? Would you take that from your husband/boyfiend? (I'm sorry,I don't know if you're married or not.)

Maybe seeing a family therapist would help. But you need the inner strength to tell her that her words hurt you and now she's hurting your children. It's NOT right and it's not fair. She gets 'defensive' because she's emotionally manipulating you with it. Please don't let her do this any longer.

My heart really goes out to you. I've been there!!! But I'd never put up with it now. Someone who really loves you does NOT treat you this way!!!

I have two thoughts on this, and you might want to run these by your therapist, as which you might want to choose would really need to fit your specific situation and your needs at the moment.

If you don't want to cut her out of your life, but she is trigger a lot in you, why not try a happy medium? Take a month or two, whatever it takes, and have no contact with her. If you have to, tell her that you are dealing with some issues and she is interfering with your clarity, so it would be best to break of contact for a while. Assure her you are ok and that if something that she needs to be aware of comes up, you will call her.

If that won't work or is impossible to arrange, have you considered including her in your therapy sessions. Perhaps she needs to understand the things she does (besides just being there) that triggers you. It also helps to have a third-party to mediate the conversation so that it just doesn't turn into a shouting match. Your therapist might have the best language to make your mother understand.