Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
This is a really great old post from DS.It really helped me in moving on..Thanks Vonnie for this..
I hope it helps others too...
Leaving an abusive relationship is a positive choice for you (and your children). The process however, can still be difficult. It can also be difficult to make the transition alone. It is helpful to have the support of people who are experienced with helping women in abusive relationships.
Separation - How Will It Feel?
Separation is not easy. It may take some time to work through the steps and become re-established.
It is common to identify yourself with your relationship. Your role as a wife/partner and/or mother may be the way you see yourself.
When you leave the relationship you may experience a real sense of loss of your identity. The process of moving from your role of wife/partner to a single person is painful and not always as fast as you might want it to be.
The transition involves getting to know yourself in a new way. Now you can become your own person. Being on your own is a wonderful feeling as well as a scary one. It may be the first time you have had the freedom to experience this responsibility.
It sometimes takes many trials to discover who you are and what you want in life. This is normal. It is OK to learn from your mistakes and learn from what you do well.
You will probably feel all your emotions more strongly than ever. You may feel betrayal, grief, anger, joy and freedom, weakness and strength, often at the same time.
You may feel that you are going crazy because of all the emotions you have, which are sometimes overwhelming, contradictory, and unexpected. You are not crazy. Remember that your emotions are just a part of you, a changing healing part. This is a normal process.
It is helpful to let yourself feel your emotions fully and not judge yourself for having them. You will pass through each one in time.
Grief:
Grief is a large part of the process of letting go of a relationship. When you feel grief, feel free to let yourself cry. It may feel like you will never stop.
Remember, it is like facing a death - It is the death of your relationship and you will stop crying when the mourning is over. You may not understand why you are sad, especially if you were badly abused.
There were probably some good things that you will miss. This is the reality. Remember - you did have to pay for the good things - a 'very' high price.
Euphoria:
You may experience a great euphoria when you leave the relationship. This may last for weeks or months. This is usually felt if you have made a clear decision. This euphoria can help give you energy to get yourself on your feet again.
Don't be surprised, if a month or a year later, you feel grief or anger or depression. This is normal and part of the process of change or separation. You will have to work through the grief stages at some time. The timing may vary with each individual and the process is usually finished after you have let yourself feel fully at each stage.
Anger:
You may feel more anger after separation than you have ever felt before. You may suddenly experience all the anger that was stockpiled and denied during your relationship, along with the built-up frustration of not getting your needs met, and the powerlessness of the position you were in. It is safe to feel angry now. Try to accept that your anger is normal. Anger can give you power and motivation. Use it to your advantage.
The goal of letting yourself feel anger is to express it constructively so that you become free of it. Do not turn it on those around you and don't use it for revenge. Acting in revenge may destroy your self-respect in the long run, although it is okay to fantasize about it.
Grieving Symptoms:
While you are going through the separation, it is normal for you to experience both physical and emotional stress reactions. Physical symptoms you may experience include: sleep disturbances; diarrhea or constipation; nausea; changes in heart rate; menstrual changes; weight gain or loss.
Psychological symptoms may include: sadness, hopelessness or feelings of futility; edginess and being easily irritated; crying often; poor concentration; great difficulty making decisions; and, poor memory. Good physical exercise (i.e. walking, jogging, cycling, etc.) can help you cope.
Feelings of Failure:
You may feel that admitting "failure" in your relationship means you are inadequate. This is not true. You have made a lot of sacrifices in your relationship. It was not your efforts that failed, but rather the lack of effort made by the abuser to stop abusing.
Relationships take two people working together to make it a success. Also, remember that your decision to leave was a painful and difficult one. Recognize your success in making that decision. Give yourself credit!
Anxiety & Loss of Control:
You are probably accustomed to judging your safety by predicting your partner's mood and picking up the signals from him/her, so you could anticipate and react. When you leave, the absence of your partner may feel frightening.
You may feel you have lost control. Your feelings of safety can feel gone when you lose those signals.
The feelings of loss of control are normal in transition. You are moving the centre of control from your partner to yourself. It can be as frightening as it is freeing and it just takes time.
Disorientation:
Because your perspective on your relationship has changed, you may see your past, yourself, and your partner differently.
This can make you feel disoriented and you may doubt your memories and the decisions you have made. You may selectively remember only the good or only the bad times. This is normal. Your situation has changed and you now have additional information so your view of the past will change too.
Loneliness:
Your friends may change over time, as well as your interests and concerns. Friends may feel threatened by your new position. They may take sides with your partner.
It may hurt you a great deal if your former in-laws reject you. Family blood is often thicker than you want to believe.
It may take you a while to trust, or to have energy for anyone else. This is normal and self-protective. You may want to isolate yourself, but company and friendships are very important.
Reaching out is especially important at this time, especially those who don't judge us. You don't have to wait for an invitation. Reach out, even though it may seem less painful to isolate yourself, in the long run it is not.
Temptation to Reconcile:
Many women who leave go back a number of times before leaving permanently. What some call the "honeymoon" period, is in actuality a tactic of manipulation used by the abuser to continue to maintain power and control.
When you have been away for a while and your partner is pleading with you to return, promising you that he has changed and will not hurt you again, the temptation to reconcile may seem overwhelming.
You have heard promises before. Generally, as time passes, indicators of whether or not your partner is following through on his promise to change will become clear. Though change is highly unlikely. Past experience, is a good indicator of predicting future experience.
New Relationships:
New relationships may trigger memories of your old relationship. It takes hard work, a great deal of commitment, and communication to be in a relationship.
Be sure you feel strong enough to live independently before you make the choice of living inter-dependently again.
It is important to remember that life is up and down. You will have good days, when you are feeling strong and capable, and bad days, when you are feeling depressed and vulnerable.
Know that feeling bad will not last forever and there are things you can do to help yourself through the down times.
Many women find that the first anniversary of their leaving is particularly painful. It may be important for you to be aware of that and plan for it. You may arrange to spend that time with close friends. You may also wish to get in touch with the staff of the shelter in your community to get reinforcement and support.
WAYS YOU CAN HELP YOURSELF
Let yourself feel your emotions fully. Do not judge yourself for having them. You will pass through each one.
Take time out for you. Do what feels nurturing for yourself, i.e. take a hot bath, go for a walk, curl up in bed and read a book. You have a right to pamper yourself.
Eat small, nutritious meals regularly, rest when you can, even if you cannot sleep, and exercise to release tension. Treat yourself to a massage.
To regain a feeling of control in your new environment: develop a daily routine; set and accomplish small goals each day; control where you go and who you are with so that you are safe.
Find out about and use community resources for support: support groups; single parent support services; free community counselling services; recreation centres; educational resources. If you don't know what these services are, contact community information services.
Holidays and special occasions such as anniversaries can be especially hard times. It is important to establish new customs for yourself and your children. You can spend these times with close friends who are experiencing the same feelings and difficulties. Do something different. For example, organize a pot luck with friends or neighbours, spend the holiday out of town or volunteer to help those less fortunate.
When You Need More Help
When you leave an abusive relationship, it is normal to feel any or all of the emotions outlined in this brochure and it is normal to feel that your life is in a state of upheaval.
'You will feel as if you've had enough when your sanity and safety and peace of mind matter more to you than he does'
'The only time we feel totally free, is when we stop looking for "reasons" for their behavior, admit to ourselves that we aren't going to improve them, or get them to see what they are doing to cause this misery, realise that it is NOT our fault..and focus on ourselves, our children, and the life we can build for ourselves.
I hope it helps others too...
Leaving an abusive relationship is a positive choice for you (and your children). The process however, can still be difficult. It can also be difficult to make the transition alone. It is helpful to have the support of people who are experienced with helping women in abusive relationships.
Separation - How Will It Feel?
Separation is not easy. It may take some time to work through the steps and become re-established.
It is common to identify yourself with your relationship. Your role as a wife/partner and/or mother may be the way you see yourself.
When you leave the relationship you may experience a real sense of loss of your identity. The process of moving from your role of wife/partner to a single person is painful and not always as fast as you might want it to be.
The transition involves getting to know yourself in a new way. Now you can become your own person. Being on your own is a wonderful feeling as well as a scary one. It may be the first time you have had the freedom to experience this responsibility.
It sometimes takes many trials to discover who you are and what you want in life. This is normal. It is OK to learn from your mistakes and learn from what you do well.
You will probably feel all your emotions more strongly than ever. You may feel betrayal, grief, anger, joy and freedom, weakness and strength, often at the same time.
You may feel that you are going crazy because of all the emotions you have, which are sometimes overwhelming, contradictory, and unexpected. You are not crazy. Remember that your emotions are just a part of you, a changing healing part. This is a normal process.
It is helpful to let yourself feel your emotions fully and not judge yourself for having them. You will pass through each one in time.
Grief:
Grief is a large part of the process of letting go of a relationship. When you feel grief, feel free to let yourself cry. It may feel like you will never stop.
Remember, it is like facing a death - It is the death of your relationship and you will stop crying when the mourning is over. You may not understand why you are sad, especially if you were badly abused.
There were probably some good things that you will miss. This is the reality. Remember - you did have to pay for the good things - a 'very' high price.
Euphoria:
You may experience a great euphoria when you leave the relationship. This may last for weeks or months. This is usually felt if you have made a clear decision. This euphoria can help give you energy to get yourself on your feet again.
Don't be surprised, if a month or a year later, you feel grief or anger or depression. This is normal and part of the process of change or separation. You will have to work through the grief stages at some time. The timing may vary with each individual and the process is usually finished after you have let yourself feel fully at each stage.
Anger:
You may feel more anger after separation than you have ever felt before. You may suddenly experience all the anger that was stockpiled and denied during your relationship, along with the built-up frustration of not getting your needs met, and the powerlessness of the position you were in. It is safe to feel angry now. Try to accept that your anger is normal. Anger can give you power and motivation. Use it to your advantage.
The goal of letting yourself feel anger is to express it constructively so that you become free of it. Do not turn it on those around you and don't use it for revenge. Acting in revenge may destroy your self-respect in the long run, although it is okay to fantasize about it.
Grieving Symptoms:
While you are going through the separation, it is normal for you to experience both physical and emotional stress reactions. Physical symptoms you may experience include: sleep disturbances; diarrhea or constipation; nausea; changes in heart rate; menstrual changes; weight gain or loss.
Psychological symptoms may include: sadness, hopelessness or feelings of futility; edginess and being easily irritated; crying often; poor concentration; great difficulty making decisions; and, poor memory. Good physical exercise (i.e. walking, jogging, cycling, etc.) can help you cope.
Feelings of Failure:
You may feel that admitting "failure" in your relationship means you are inadequate. This is not true. You have made a lot of sacrifices in your relationship. It was not your efforts that failed, but rather the lack of effort made by the abuser to stop abusing.
Relationships take two people working together to make it a success. Also, remember that your decision to leave was a painful and difficult one. Recognize your success in making that decision. Give yourself credit!
Anxiety & Loss of Control:
You are probably accustomed to judging your safety by predicting your partner's mood and picking up the signals from him/her, so you could anticipate and react. When you leave, the absence of your partner may feel frightening.
You may feel you have lost control. Your feelings of safety can feel gone when you lose those signals.
The feelings of loss of control are normal in transition. You are moving the centre of control from your partner to yourself. It can be as frightening as it is freeing and it just takes time.
Disorientation:
Because your perspective on your relationship has changed, you may see your past, yourself, and your partner differently.
This can make you feel disoriented and you may doubt your memories and the decisions you have made. You may selectively remember only the good or only the bad times. This is normal. Your situation has changed and you now have additional information so your view of the past will change too.
Loneliness:
Your friends may change over time, as well as your interests and concerns. Friends may feel threatened by your new position. They may take sides with your partner.
It may hurt you a great deal if your former in-laws reject you. Family blood is often thicker than you want to believe.
It may take you a while to trust, or to have energy for anyone else. This is normal and self-protective. You may want to isolate yourself, but company and friendships are very important.
Reaching out is especially important at this time, especially those who don't judge us. You don't have to wait for an invitation. Reach out, even though it may seem less painful to isolate yourself, in the long run it is not.
Temptation to Reconcile:
Many women who leave go back a number of times before leaving permanently. What some call the "honeymoon" period, is in actuality a tactic of manipulation used by the abuser to continue to maintain power and control.
When you have been away for a while and your partner is pleading with you to return, promising you that he has changed and will not hurt you again, the temptation to reconcile may seem overwhelming.
You have heard promises before. Generally, as time passes, indicators of whether or not your partner is following through on his promise to change will become clear. Though change is highly unlikely. Past experience, is a good indicator of predicting future experience.
New Relationships:
New relationships may trigger memories of your old relationship. It takes hard work, a great deal of commitment, and communication to be in a relationship.
Be sure you feel strong enough to live independently before you make the choice of living inter-dependently again.
It is important to remember that life is up and down. You will have good days, when you are feeling strong and capable, and bad days, when you are feeling depressed and vulnerable.
Know that feeling bad will not last forever and there are things you can do to help yourself through the down times.
Many women find that the first anniversary of their leaving is particularly painful. It may be important for you to be aware of that and plan for it. You may arrange to spend that time with close friends. You may also wish to get in touch with the staff of the shelter in your community to get reinforcement and support.
WAYS YOU CAN HELP YOURSELF
Let yourself feel your emotions fully. Do not judge yourself for having them. You will pass through each one.
Take time out for you. Do what feels nurturing for yourself, i.e. take a hot bath, go for a walk, curl up in bed and read a book. You have a right to pamper yourself.
Eat small, nutritious meals regularly, rest when you can, even if you cannot sleep, and exercise to release tension. Treat yourself to a massage.
To regain a feeling of control in your new environment: develop a daily routine; set and accomplish small goals each day; control where you go and who you are with so that you are safe.
Find out about and use community resources for support: support groups; single parent support services; free community counselling services; recreation centres; educational resources. If you don't know what these services are, contact community information services.
Holidays and special occasions such as anniversaries can be especially hard times. It is important to establish new customs for yourself and your children. You can spend these times with close friends who are experiencing the same feelings and difficulties. Do something different. For example, organize a pot luck with friends or neighbours, spend the holiday out of town or volunteer to help those less fortunate.
When You Need More Help
When you leave an abusive relationship, it is normal to feel any or all of the emotions outlined in this brochure and it is normal to feel that your life is in a state of upheaval.
'You will feel as if you've had enough when your sanity and safety and peace of mind matter more to you than he does'
'The only time we feel totally free, is when we stop looking for "reasons" for their behavior, admit to ourselves that we aren't going to improve them, or get them to see what they are doing to cause this misery, realise that it is NOT our fault..and focus on ourselves, our children, and the life we can build for ourselves.
Really glad it helped!!
'The only time we feel totally free, is when we stop looking for "reasons" for their behavior, admit to ourselves that we aren't going to improve them, or get them to see what they are doing to cause this misery, realise that it is NOT our fault..and focus on ourselves, our children, and the life we can build for ourselves."
Thank you for the post...really needed to read this one. :)