Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Like many others on here I am not convinced I was abused. So if that is actually the case WHY did I leave him in the first place?
The number one reason is I felt like I was literally going crazy. Everyone else got the "nice" ex at the farm...I got nothing. By the end he was just pretty much ignoring me all of the time. I was, however, able to get a moment of his attention when I told him I was moving out.
No matter what I tried, I could not get him to talk about what was going on. I was typically shut down with, "Do not tell me how I feel," regardless of what I was saying.
So I left because I felt like I was going crazy and there was no way to express and resolve this with him.
Then there is afterwards. As many here know, I tried to go back to the farm to work my dream and see if we could repair our love. Again if it wasn't abuse, WHY did my return not work out?
Lack of respect - I am the one with knowledge of horses, not him. He consistently refused to appreciate my input in the care of the horses. That was extremely frustrating for me. One night, a few days before I left again, I came out to ride my horse. The young gal who feeds told me Cloudy, a very old horse my ex recently purchased for lessons, was not feeling well. Indeed, he was lethargic, hot to the touch and not eating. I told her to leave him in and I would check on him after my ride. I called the ex who was out to dinner with our mutual friends from the farm and his response was, "oh yay, I thought he seemed off this morning." WTF and you are out to dinner! Anyway, long story short, I am the one that called the vet and followed his suggestions to get the horse comfortable. The next day my ex asked me to look at the horse to make sure he was ok. He was. Then the next day my ex calls me at work and says he thinks the horse is off again. By the time I responded to his call, the ex says he is now fine.
By this time, interactions with my ex throughout the month have left me feeling shitty. Perhaps I am oversensitive...but feeling shitty nonetheless. I survived this month by leaving whenever he upset me. I wouldn't get into with him I would just leave and come back the next day. But I know internally things are coming to a head. I can tell that by stuffing everything down I am getting ready to implode. I go to the barn a few days after Cloudy had gotten sick. I am feeding breakfast and he appears fine to me. The daughter of our mutual friends comes for her riding lesson. She wants to ride Cloudy but tells me they are waiting for my ex to come out to decide whether he is ok to ride. I tell her I think it would actually be good for her to ride him in her lesson. He looks good, he could use the exercise and we can evaluate how he is doing. Well, the ex arrives on the scene and says absolutely not! I ask to speak to him privately. I tell him I need him to defer to me on this matter. He says no. I lose it! He loses it! I tell him I am done and there is no way I can be in business with someone who refuses to acknowledge my experience.
Well, ever the glutton for punishment, I return a few weeks later. This is when I start to see the lies. Now he is also flagrantly mistreating me. He lies to me. I rely on his lie and give notice at my job. The very next day I learn he has lied to me! When confronted, it is my fault he lied (slept with another woman). Yes, we can work on the relationship...but this is what you (me) need to do. Well, I need you (ex) to break things off with this girl. The very next day he does, but then he spends an hour and a half that night talking and consoling the woman. When I tell him how upset I am, once again I am the one with anger issues.
Enough...enough with the story telling. Here are the reasons I am out even if he isn't abusive:
1) He lies
2) He doesn't respect me as a person or my knowledge
3) He doesn't know how to work on relationship problems
4) He makes me feel shitty
5) He is controlling
6) He doesn't care if he hurts my feelings
7) He broke my trust
8) He treats others better then he treats me
So irrespective of a label, he is not the man for me.
How to take care of me now? God this is so hard. I know that I continue to dwell on him because I don't know where to start with me. I am scared, terribly scared, that I am not able to create a great life for myself. I don't even know where to begin. I need to take a baby step and I can't. I need to let go of the dream and I can't. I need to make me the priority and I don't know how.
Sorry for the long rant. I just feel so lost.
The number one reason is I felt like I was literally going crazy. Everyone else got the "nice" ex at the farm...I got nothing. By the end he was just pretty much ignoring me all of the time. I was, however, able to get a moment of his attention when I told him I was moving out.
No matter what I tried, I could not get him to talk about what was going on. I was typically shut down with, "Do not tell me how I feel," regardless of what I was saying.
So I left because I felt like I was going crazy and there was no way to express and resolve this with him.
Then there is afterwards. As many here know, I tried to go back to the farm to work my dream and see if we could repair our love. Again if it wasn't abuse, WHY did my return not work out?
Lack of respect - I am the one with knowledge of horses, not him. He consistently refused to appreciate my input in the care of the horses. That was extremely frustrating for me. One night, a few days before I left again, I came out to ride my horse. The young gal who feeds told me Cloudy, a very old horse my ex recently purchased for lessons, was not feeling well. Indeed, he was lethargic, hot to the touch and not eating. I told her to leave him in and I would check on him after my ride. I called the ex who was out to dinner with our mutual friends from the farm and his response was, "oh yay, I thought he seemed off this morning." WTF and you are out to dinner! Anyway, long story short, I am the one that called the vet and followed his suggestions to get the horse comfortable. The next day my ex asked me to look at the horse to make sure he was ok. He was. Then the next day my ex calls me at work and says he thinks the horse is off again. By the time I responded to his call, the ex says he is now fine.
By this time, interactions with my ex throughout the month have left me feeling shitty. Perhaps I am oversensitive...but feeling shitty nonetheless. I survived this month by leaving whenever he upset me. I wouldn't get into with him I would just leave and come back the next day. But I know internally things are coming to a head. I can tell that by stuffing everything down I am getting ready to implode. I go to the barn a few days after Cloudy had gotten sick. I am feeding breakfast and he appears fine to me. The daughter of our mutual friends comes for her riding lesson. She wants to ride Cloudy but tells me they are waiting for my ex to come out to decide whether he is ok to ride. I tell her I think it would actually be good for her to ride him in her lesson. He looks good, he could use the exercise and we can evaluate how he is doing. Well, the ex arrives on the scene and says absolutely not! I ask to speak to him privately. I tell him I need him to defer to me on this matter. He says no. I lose it! He loses it! I tell him I am done and there is no way I can be in business with someone who refuses to acknowledge my experience.
Well, ever the glutton for punishment, I return a few weeks later. This is when I start to see the lies. Now he is also flagrantly mistreating me. He lies to me. I rely on his lie and give notice at my job. The very next day I learn he has lied to me! When confronted, it is my fault he lied (slept with another woman). Yes, we can work on the relationship...but this is what you (me) need to do. Well, I need you (ex) to break things off with this girl. The very next day he does, but then he spends an hour and a half that night talking and consoling the woman. When I tell him how upset I am, once again I am the one with anger issues.
Enough...enough with the story telling. Here are the reasons I am out even if he isn't abusive:
1) He lies
2) He doesn't respect me as a person or my knowledge
3) He doesn't know how to work on relationship problems
4) He makes me feel shitty
5) He is controlling
6) He doesn't care if he hurts my feelings
7) He broke my trust
8) He treats others better then he treats me
So irrespective of a label, he is not the man for me.
How to take care of me now? God this is so hard. I know that I continue to dwell on him because I don't know where to start with me. I am scared, terribly scared, that I am not able to create a great life for myself. I don't even know where to begin. I need to take a baby step and I can't. I need to let go of the dream and I can't. I need to make me the priority and I don't know how.
Sorry for the long rant. I just feel so lost.
For the record,
showing disrespect
to a stranger is uncivil.
Showing disrespect to
your significant other
is ABUSE. It's a
violation of the contract.
Lying to a stranger
is disrespectful.
Lying to your
significant other
is ABUSE. It's a
BETRAYAL of
all things sacred.
The place to find
SELF-CARE is to
begin practicing it,
whether or not
it feels good.
Eventually,
it will.
Eventually,
a consistent
practice of
SELF-CARE
will result in
ALL THINGS
GOOD, ALL
THINGS
HEALTHY,
ALL THINGS
that lead to
HAPPINESS
and WELL-BEING.
It helped me to see your reasons... look at mine if you want....
All I have to offer you is thst you have supported me so when in question think of what you have suggested and hoped for me....
I send you love and strength. ..
Maybe it is good we are at similar spots...maybe we csn truly guide eachother by sharing where we are.... it might hokd me more accoubtable....
Im grasping at straws.... but anything is worth a try to help both of us and others who may be stuck too.
I also wanted to say that you are ahead of where I was at your stage. You say you are afraid you won't be able to create a great life. I absolutely knew, with a great deal of conviction, that i could NOT create even a nice, let alone a great, life for myself. I knew with that same conviction, that I would never be happy.
A lot of work, time and therapy, and I can say that I am happy. I haven't yet created a great life, but I have a good life, and it gets better all the time. If I can do it, anyone can. That's the good news. The bad news is that it will be harder and take longer than you want, even than you think it "should".
The first step is to just do nice things for you and remind yourself that you're worth it. It's not the solution, but it's a baby step.
Yellow...l would like for us to help each other. I don't feel strong enough to do this alone. To start, I just want to able to go one hour, just one hour, without thinking about the nightmare I left behind. I think I am going to make a cup of coffee and make myself watch tv. For one hour, I am going to step away from the hurt in my life.
What are you going to do?
But all the things you list DO constitute abuse. It's like I wrote in another post somewhere on here: it's the things that seem least tangible and most invisible, so to speak, that often do the worst damage.
I have forgotten many of the incidents when my husband laid hands on me. Can't remember exact details of them. But the sting of being ignored and his mean words often persists. I can remember very clearly being insulted and made to feel like crap.
Be patient with yourself. It takes time to acknowledge your pain and anger, and if you try to rush yourself you will feel frustrated.
Take care and *big hugs* xx
tonight I am going to make a cup of tea and relax before going to bed and focus on gratitude journal.
You are right...1 hour at a time, especially when alone.
When I was visiting my sister in law in was a bit easier.
I do think I may ask my counselor about medication...
I am not sure if it will help or not, but the anxiety that comes from deep in my stomach and works up to my heart, then my head and makes me swirl in misery is tough...It comes and goes unexpectedly...any one have any thoughts of how to control that?
If you aren't familiar with this one already, please check out this website: youarenotcrazy.com. It can bring validation to the emotionally-abused woman. The smart emotional abusers are the most insidious because they make us doubt ourselves!
I can't tell you how many times I told my ex I always felt disrespected, which in turn, he'd make me feel crazy for. I remember even saying to him, "Are you trying to make me feel nuts??! This is the reality of everything and you don't see it!?" Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. To him I was just an object to treat as he pleased and any objections on my part meant I would only be treated worse. Ugh!
I shake my head sometimes when I look back on it. I left him 6 months ago. There would be many days I knew whole-heartedly that what I endured was abuse, and some odd days where I questioned myself. The latter days are over, I see it all for what it is and I am indifferent when it comes to his well-being. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, and I feel like me again-only stronger. You'll get there!