Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
ONe thing he constantly did to me was to keep me hanging. Saying he will call me later and he never does. Saying he would come over but never did. Saying be back in a iittle while and he never did. These things kept me at bay waiting for him when he never followed through.
One thing that really messed me up about my ex is that knowing my family ostracized me and my son and I are on our own. Many times before the holidays come he has left me and gone to spend them with his x wife and kids and I actually feel like he either consciously or subconsciously does it on purpose so he can go pretend they are a family. Then right after the holidays he starts contacting me. Once he is done spending the holidays with his ex wife and family? They both went to another relatives for Christmas yet he says he didn't go with her? He claims that I am possessive and controlling because I do not like him spending family time with his ex wife and kids. He always said he spent it with his kids not her but she was there. I do not think anyone in my shoes would feel differently about those things. I dont say i'll call and then i dont for two days. I dont say i'll come over and never show up. I dont spend my holidays with any of my ex's. Even with my son I never spent it with him and his dad they did their thing and i did mine. So am i possessive and controlling or is he just outright inconsiderate and uncaring towards me? It doesn't have to be either or but I would like some honest opinions. Would any of you stay with somoene who did that to you? If I know i'm ok it may help me move on and make it. I should have never talked to him but now that i did I am questioning my own judgement again. So some honesty is appreciated. Who would still be with him? Anyone here?
One thing that really messed me up about my ex is that knowing my family ostracized me and my son and I are on our own. Many times before the holidays come he has left me and gone to spend them with his x wife and kids and I actually feel like he either consciously or subconsciously does it on purpose so he can go pretend they are a family. Then right after the holidays he starts contacting me. Once he is done spending the holidays with his ex wife and family? They both went to another relatives for Christmas yet he says he didn't go with her? He claims that I am possessive and controlling because I do not like him spending family time with his ex wife and kids. He always said he spent it with his kids not her but she was there. I do not think anyone in my shoes would feel differently about those things. I dont say i'll call and then i dont for two days. I dont say i'll come over and never show up. I dont spend my holidays with any of my ex's. Even with my son I never spent it with him and his dad they did their thing and i did mine. So am i possessive and controlling or is he just outright inconsiderate and uncaring towards me? It doesn't have to be either or but I would like some honest opinions. Would any of you stay with somoene who did that to you? If I know i'm ok it may help me move on and make it. I should have never talked to him but now that i did I am questioning my own judgement again. So some honesty is appreciated. Who would still be with him? Anyone here?
Sorry to hear the heartache and frustration you are feeling. Y opinion varies and is only that, an opinion. But remember, it is only your actions in the end that matters.
Wanting to share holidays with kids does not have to be a battle or a bad thing. It often can be how the situation is approached that can create bad/hurt feelings and hardships.
Having ex's maintain an amicable relationship is actually a wonderful thing. Again there are ways to make Everyone feel more comfortable throughout. My opinion only.... Your hubby would be fair to have kept you involved in these activities, to stand behind you and say he wanted you there as well.
It seems to be par for the course that when one party moves on, they somehow figure the other parent should disappear! That is unreasonable because although the relationship did not work between adults, there is still and should always be a relationship with both parents. Unfortunately people let hurt feelings and emotions cloud judgments.... With it always being the children getting hurt.
My opinion only.... If this person does not feel you are important enough to see, visit, call or be a regular part if your life, then let him go! Why allow that in your life! Find someone who wants to share your time, your life!
Best wishes to you.
Speaking for myself. . .
I would not.
From where I sit,
HE's the one
who's controlling.
His accusing you of that
is called PROJECTION.
From where I sit,
to call him inconsiderate
and uncaring
isn't accurate.
He's ABUSIVE,
It's good that you are like an outsider now looking in. Like you said, you would never have hung out with your exes, at least to the point of making your partner feel insecure. He acted like he didn't care about how you felt, almost mean.
You deserved better R.
As I was reading your post, it felt that I wrote this :) For five years, John must have blew me off 100's of times including a New Year's Eve we had planned together, alone, romantic dinner. He cancelled via text at 9pm on December 31st... Thank god i have great friends/neighbors who took me by the hand, and I managed to celebrate the new year with a smile.
Anyway, for five years i broke little by little my boundaries and now that for the last three days I am finally facing what I have done, what I have allowed and forgave, all these broken boundaries are not me. I dont know what is happening, why I allowed to be used as a rug. Therapy, this forum, friends will help me figure it out.
So to your question: Did it happen to you and did it allow it? Me. And I bet you the list is going to get pretty long... It took me five years to wake up. Thank god i have a best friend who convinced me to do something and stop the pattern and thank god there are you guys. It took me five years, I know it can be a lot for some but little for others. to each its own path. Bottom line, we need to stop repeating this pattern. there is no justification for their behavior (no matter what), and most importantly, we have no reason NONE to allow anyone to just once lack respect!!!! Hugs to you
My ex would constantly pick fight with me before the holidays or birthdays. Any event where he would be expected to give anything of himself. He just took, and took and took... I have a feeling your ex did the same thing.
My guess is that he continues to 'reunite' with his ex and his family (or whatever he would call it) as a way to save face, to show that he was the reasonable, likable guy he wants everyone to think he is. This isn't about his kids, his ex-wife, his family or anyone else, this is about HIM and how he wants to appear to others. He knows he can have you back, but bringing you along to all of the family events might create some drama for him that he doesn't want to deal with. He pushes you to the side, knowing that whatever work he has to do to get you back will be less work than the 'price' he would have to pay by bringing you along.
His ex and his kids are being taken for a ride. You are seeing the real him.
FYI, I have been talking to a friend in a similar situation as mine. Her ex would do the same thing... Make holidays plans, pick a fight with her and then blow her off saying it was her own fault... It seems to be an abuser's MO!
Love existed and it came from you! The only thing that hapened is u ended up loving him more than u loved yourself!
And now Hun is the time to move on and you do that by loving yourself!
Here is what I have realized only yesterday, lets take the example of being abondoned by him, is it fair to say that in every time he abandoned you or rejected you that u ended up rejecting and ababndoning yourself in someway?
You need never abandon or reject yourself again if u understand that when you love yourself u don't blame your self-esteem!
You can not control the actions of another and it's not your worth thy controls other people's decisions !
So stop this cycle, stop rejecting you, stop pointing the finger at yourself! No one is ever to blame for being abused!