Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hello all:
Well a topic I bet we are all familiar with. My wife (abuser) is trying to keep me from visiting my family. I am supposed to go to my sisters for July 4th and to my niece's wedding in August.
I used to go visit my sister every summer. She has two kids that I dearly love. I have not travelled to see her in 8 years. So supposed to go in July. Wife says I shouldnt go becasue miles on my car, need to rest, money, I never take her anywhere, OMG the number of excuses she comes up with.
Classic family denial. But she brings it up EVERY day. And we fight. If I dont bring it up, we fight becasue I didnt tell her where I was going. No win eh?
Secondly, I have my nieces wedding in August. She is very dear to me. I changed her diapers, taught her how to ride a bike, coached her basketball teams. She is the first to ask me for Xmas dinner. My wife knows this and still finds ways to tell me not to go. She says I cant afford it, Im too sick, oh and my favorite that my family doesnt really care about me. All untrue.
Also, I missed my nephews wedding a few years ago. My wife talked me in to missing it becasue my car was running bad. BS.
So I am taking these trips. The question is how do I stop her from bringing it up and arguing about it every day. She wont stop. If I tell her I am going she threatens to withold things from me love, money, time etc. Nice eh?
Thanks all,
Martin
Well a topic I bet we are all familiar with. My wife (abuser) is trying to keep me from visiting my family. I am supposed to go to my sisters for July 4th and to my niece's wedding in August.
I used to go visit my sister every summer. She has two kids that I dearly love. I have not travelled to see her in 8 years. So supposed to go in July. Wife says I shouldnt go becasue miles on my car, need to rest, money, I never take her anywhere, OMG the number of excuses she comes up with.
Classic family denial. But she brings it up EVERY day. And we fight. If I dont bring it up, we fight becasue I didnt tell her where I was going. No win eh?
Secondly, I have my nieces wedding in August. She is very dear to me. I changed her diapers, taught her how to ride a bike, coached her basketball teams. She is the first to ask me for Xmas dinner. My wife knows this and still finds ways to tell me not to go. She says I cant afford it, Im too sick, oh and my favorite that my family doesnt really care about me. All untrue.
Also, I missed my nephews wedding a few years ago. My wife talked me in to missing it becasue my car was running bad. BS.
So I am taking these trips. The question is how do I stop her from bringing it up and arguing about it every day. She wont stop. If I tell her I am going she threatens to withold things from me love, money, time etc. Nice eh?
Thanks all,
Martin
Many years ago, while my husband and I were living together but not married yet, he went home for Xmas....and was unable to join him because I had to work. I understood that he wanted to be with his family....but it really hurt me, too. I really cannot remember if we were engaged or not at the time...but still. It's like we were already married.
Perhaps talk with your wife and see what is going on. What are her reasons?
On another note, there are lots of things I used to do and my husband used to do before we got married (its been 15 years) and well....we really had to rearrange our lives and start doing different things that included is both.....and even our kids! Sometimes I think that what marriage is about. Your spouse is your partner -- the one you chose to be with -- and you are a unit. If my husband kept leaving me and the kids to go do stuff solo....I suppose I'd need to think really hard about whether or not I could put up with that. My marriage is far from perfect and there have been some nasty bumps...but compromise has made it better. And so has communicating. Hope this helps.
It sounds like an abuser's attempt to isolate you and exercise control.
I think it is about having the means to survive no matter what she threatens to withhold from you. Take her power that way.
She cannot really tell you how you feel and what you need.
Boo- I would love for her to go with me, but she chooses not to. So should I give up my family then. She doesnt like them even though they have treated her like gold. She says she doesnt want to talk to people "unless they pay her". Any questions now?
Disi-You are right on. It is a textbook example of an abusers way to control. I have the money and its not a problem. It does seem to be an abusers way to keep power. You know who told me that? My professional domestic violence counseler who specializes in helping men who are abused. This lady even paid to get my brakes done a year ago so I could visit my brother. So help is out there.
Thanks for the input all,
Martini
I have to agree with Boo's 2nd post - what do you want from your life? Is this marriage something you really think you can save, or even want to, all by yourself?
And, you can't stop her from bringing it up.
BUT, you can stop interacting w/her when she does that. There can't be a fight unless there are two people participating. So don't participate.
I know its easier said than done. But you have options. You can just say you're not discussing it & walk out of the room. Or you can have a pat statement that you feel comfortable with, like "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm going anyway." and then walk out of the room. Or you can just walk away when she starts. Another option is to just say "ok." And that's it. No further discussion. And then just go on and make your plans and when the time comes, at the last minute, tell her you're going and then go. There'll be hell to pay when you get home, I'm sure, but it sounds like you're living in hell anyway, so why not visit your family?
This kind of change is hard and if you stick to it, you will get better at it. But you have to be prepared to deal w/her escalation, because as sure as the sun rises and sets, she WILL escalate and possibly change tactics.
The ONLY way you can stop her is to leave. But that is a decision you will have to make for yourself.
~healing hugs~