Emotional abuse can be so confusing.  It sneaks up on you.  When I met my ex, the father of my first born child, "my high school sweetheart", I thought we were a good match.  I thought we had a healthy relationship.  We were together for 4 years. We got engaged right after we graduated high school.  I know what most people think about being in serious relationships when you're still young and trying to figure life out.  No one really expects you to be together forever, but still I believed we would.  I grew up watching my older sister and three of her friends get married young and they are all still together to this day.  I don't know if their relationships are healthy, or fulfilling.  I just know that they set the example for me that getting married young was what people did. Our relationship crashed and burned.  He treated me like a queen at first, spoke highly of me, bought me things all the time, even if it wasn't a special occasion.  The sad thing is at 18 years old, when I first entered my relationship with my ex, he treated me with so much respect, he gave me affection and attention and I was so uncomfortable.  I didn't know how to accept his love.  My parents neglected me emotionally and I'd never been comfortable with being the center of attention, but at 18 years old my ex understood how to love me. At first I pulled away because I had an avoidant attachment style.  I broke up with him for a few weeks, but I realized he was sincere and his love/appreciation for me at that time was genuine so I agreed to get back together.   That first year was the most secure I've ever felt in a relationship in my life.  I reflect back to how it was back then from time to time and pray to experience that level of peace and security again in this life time.  The reality is that my ex was most likely cheating on me throughout our entire relationship.  He wasn't born in America and he assumed that my life experiences were less painful and everything had been given to me on a silverspoon. In reality I'd been molested multiple times by the time I turned 5 years old and my parents didn't have much to give me, including love/affection. I worked for everything I had. I realized he never really took time to get to know me, he made all these assumptions about me and presumed they were true.  He ended up breaking up with me for a few months after we made it to the 3 year mark.  He said he wanted to take a break and I was devastated, but I gave him his space.  In reality I was exhausted because I was the one putting in the effort to arrange the time we spent together.  I planned all of our dates.  Just when I was adjusting to life without him, he decided he wanted to get back together.  All he had to do was write me this mushy two page letter, which really only stated that he wanted to get back with me because he didn't want me to move on with anyone else.  I had terrible boundaries, I didn't know how to say no.  I should've said no, but I put his feelings before my own, I didn't want to make him feel rejected.  I have regretted taking him back, I've had so much resentment about it over the years.  He never deserved me.  I had my freedom and I chose to get back with this guy who really put minimal effort into spending time with me.  

Soon after we got back together, I realized it was a mistake and he was cheating on me, but I let him gaslight me into thinking I was overreacting and being paranoid.  Soon after that I became pregnant with his baby.  The timing couldn't have been worse, but I assumed he'd step up and be a better man for me, be the man he was when we first met.  I soon realized that version of him no longer existed.  It seemed like he was a better man before he had all the material things, his car, more money.  All he cared about was money.  I don't even know why he wanted me to be in his life, other than the fact that he wanted to keep me from experiencing life without him.  He actually wrote that in the letter, I failed to take it literally.  My relationships have taught me that when someone tells you who they are, you better believe them.  I was 21 years old, graduating from college and pregnant. Soon after that I gave birth to his baby.  My mother drove me to the hospital when I went into labor.  My pregnancy was high risk.  I almost lost my life and my baby.  I was on bedrest for months.  He hardly came to visit me in the hospital while I was on bedrest. He only showed up for the delivery because my mother lectured him about handling his responsibilities.  He quickly abandoned me in the hospital after our baby was born.  My mother drove me and my baby home from the hospital.  A month after having his baby, I grew tired of his lack of effort and him not showing up for me and our baby.  I violated one of my rules and looked through his phone to find out he'd been cheating on me again and this time he didn't deny it.  He broke up with me after I confronted him with the evidence that he was cheating on me.  He told me, as our one month old baby was sleeping peacefully in his crib that he thought it was best for him to be with the other woman since they were from the same country.  He became my worst nightmare and caused nothing but drama for me ever since.  His numbers blocked on my phone because he will harass me by texting me emotionally abusive things and arguing with me nonstop in front of our son.  Our son will be graduating from high school soon and I vow to never say another word to his dad if I can help it.  I tried to be mature and navigate being the only responsible parent that my son has, while trying to keep brief contact with my ex.  I realize his guilt and his narcissistic personality keeps him from being cordial towards me.  I'm trying to put our past behind us, but he messed me up bad.   From the moment he walked out on me and our son's lives I haven't been the same.  He's popped up a handful of times each year to pick his son up, as long as it's convenient for him and this has caused my son to have the worst anxiety.  I blame myself for choosing such a terrible father for my son.  My faith in people went out the window.  My faith in the Lord grew stronger and I told myself I'd never have children with anyone ever again.  Well, I ended up having twins with a guy I married who is also emotionally abusive.  It's been an unhealthy pattern that I couldn't escape. What I learned from my past relationship is that leaving when you have kids with someone won't necessarily give you the peace you yearn for.  Emotionally abusive people have this need to control you whether you are with them, or not.