Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I was given advice, and I feel it could work - just move back home, and be the man. Accept her advice, but make the choices myself. And just require her to take her own responsibility for her actions, or her give up and file for divorce.
On the one hand, this sounds appealing, but on the other, dangerous. I don't think it adequately takes into account the reality of the damage done to me, or the tactics she's learned that did it to me in the first place. It ouwld mean that I'd shift from the man who moved out of the house and gave up on the marriage to the man who was a dictator in the house, and forced her to file for divorce.
It would (if I could pull it off) mean that I was setting and standing firm by my every boundary, and it would be up to her to see if she cuold live by my rules. But it still feels like a trap, somehow.
I wonder if she even remembers the conditions I set for my Halloween deadline. Or that I even set one. Session's in 20 minutes. I guess I'm about to find out.
On the one hand, this sounds appealing, but on the other, dangerous. I don't think it adequately takes into account the reality of the damage done to me, or the tactics she's learned that did it to me in the first place. It ouwld mean that I'd shift from the man who moved out of the house and gave up on the marriage to the man who was a dictator in the house, and forced her to file for divorce.
It would (if I could pull it off) mean that I was setting and standing firm by my every boundary, and it would be up to her to see if she cuold live by my rules. But it still feels like a trap, somehow.
I wonder if she even remembers the conditions I set for my Halloween deadline. Or that I even set one. Session's in 20 minutes. I guess I'm about to find out.
I think it's time to really think about what you want for yourself, what makes you happy, and what you want for your future. And, remove all expectations of her. Would you be happy in that role if you went back home? it sounds to me like you think you would be miserable.
If you have expectations for her to change or to take ownership of the things she has done, there is a 100% chance you will be disappointed.
If you move back home, you need to expect it to be exactly the way it was. You are extremely lucky if things are better, and more likely they will be worse.
I will add this - you have your own place. You already have some freedom. Think LONG AND HARD before you give that back.
The announcement she made a few weeks ago about facebook not being the appropriate time or place to discuss if she regretted any of the choices she made to contribute to my life being a misery? After careful consideration, she can honestly say she had no part in it. She has nothing to apologize for.
I asked her about her choice to use lies and manipulation to isolate me from my friend, to end that relationship for me. She responded that she could see that the hope of salvaging the relationship was causing me pain, and sending me spiraling out of control, so she did the only thing she could - she ended it for me. Likened it to cauterizing a wound.
I told her that as far as I could see, when she felt afraid, threatened, or out-of-control, she would use any lies, attacks, manipulations, twists, or downright hatefulness to get her own way. She said she can't think of any times she has ever told a lie, she might be ok with some manipulation, can't think of any twisting she could have ever done, and I needed to explain what I meant by attacking better before she would commit to any of it.
I then asked what actions she's taken in regards to her fears that the children are not safe with me. She responded 'I've processed about it internally.' I asked if she's brought in up in her individual sessions - nope. Journaled about it - nope. I responded that I have an incredibly strong tie to my identity as a father - and that one of the first things I clung to when I was suicidal was the fact that my children proved to me daily that I was a good father. And that I"m coming to believe it myself. And that I need my partner to be someone who supports that belief, not someone who undermines it. And when she attacks my parenting skills, I really feel worthless and without value. Like, I can't even be a good dad to my kids - no wonder everyone else left me.
It wasn't long before we were talking about how she wants to feel assured that I had hope for the marriage, that she wanted me to pursue her, to reach out to her. I did note that as she cried, sitting next to me on the couch, she slapped her leg twice. Physical violence ramping up again. Really unnerved me. As we ate dinner, planning the week to come, I could feel my ptsd popping back up - every chair had my back to some part of the walmart, and my head was swivelling like an office chair as people walked around me.. I also noticed I was clutching the rail with my hand, under the table.
I told my dad, I would never get a divorce just because I was unhappy with the state of the marriage. I said I would only consider it if it was harming me or the kids. He asked what if it was harming her - I said, you're right, I'd consider it then, too. He asked what about if it was harming me? I said sorry, but you're SOL. He said good - I've obviously got that much figured out right :)
I'm freaking terrified of what the future would look like, but I'm starting to see divorce as the better option. Not so much that I'm convinced, but... starting to.
IMHO, it think it would be excruciating and exhausting to have to be under the level of stress you'd be under by having to play policeman to insure your boundaries stay firm.
Plus you can only point out that she needs to take responsibility for her actions, you can't actually make her accept it. Can you live like that for the foreseeable future, at least until your kids are grown & leave home?
And do you have a plan for natural consequences for when (not if) she crosses and disrespects your boundaries?
Honestly, based on this, it sounds like you'll be doing all the work with pretty much no support from her and you'll have to deal with lies, manipulations, etc. on a daily basis.
IMHO, she had and has no right to do what she did regarding your friend. And if she'd do that, there's no telling what else she will do...and she will do other things.
Another thought is that your children will grow up thinking it's ok to abuse and be abused. Children are WAY more perceptive that we give them credit for and they also have a way of blaming themselves for everything that goes wrong in a marriage. Their brains continue to evolve and are not 'mature' until about their mid twenties. There are many studies that just witnessing repeated abuse causes damage to the brain. These studies started w/children.
Should you decide to follow thru w/this plan, do you have a fool proof self care plan in place?
Not telling you what to do, just throwing some things out for your consideration.
Sending you healing & strength filled thoughts...
Sounds like you have some tough life choices ahead. You being the very insightful, intelligent renaissance man you sound to be I have no doubt you will figure this out for the best...for you and your children. (On a personal note, you deserve a whole lot better!)
Keep going.
I have adult children that lived through the nightmares in my marriage with me. I kept telling myself that I was doing this for them, that somehow it was better to have a semi-functional family than divorce.
Guess what? Now that they are adults they have told me that they wish we would have divorced.
Kids are not dumb, they are guileless and see things with much clarity. I regret dragging them through their childhood chained to this dysfunction.
Ehope
He can put together 100 piece puzzles. Make sound with a trombone. Remember his way around places he's only visited once. He's starting to read. He has no fear of heights, climbs like a monkey. He throws well, runs well, and can sit and play with nothing but his own hands or a pencil or a bit of string for half an hour. He's figured out how to use the mouse, and how to navigate to the disney jr. website, and around it to get to his favorite games. He does mazes.
When I walk in, he runs up and hugs me around my knees. When I leave, he cries 'No! Daddy stay MY house!'
My daughter lives in her head. She can and will lay in her bed for hours at a time, listening to one song on repeat. She absorbs facts like a sponge, and although this year she has been dedicated to watching the weather channel daily, she can still name how many moons each of the planets has, and most of their names. History is next, I think, once she's content with meteorology. She's so warm and kind and innocent, the other children of her class flock to befriend and protect her. A stuffed Simba is her son, although she's apparently also had several dozen puppies. She'll tell us - I'm expecting more puppies tonight. She performs on stage. This Decmeber, she gets her first speaking role. Her previous directors (the main one of which is the son of a b who is the second narc in my life) refused to let her have anything beyond a bark. She has Cystic Fibrosis, speech impediments, and a touch of developmental delays. One of these winter colds, between the age of 16 and 30, will kill her. She'll drown in her own phlegm, on a ventilator, terrified and confused in the hospital, strapped to the bed with me weeping at her side. If I avoid prison, that is.
She begs to ride in my car with me, because I let her ride up front, like a big girl. We sit and talk about music, about history, about the weather. About her rats that recently died, and how sad that makes her. I sit, and she climbs in my lap. I stand, and she leans against me, and I softly stroke her blonde hair that is now above my waist. She sees a psychiatrist, and about three physical therapists, multiple times a week. Two hours of vest treatments a day. And it barely even phases her, beyond an 'awww, man!'
How can I walk away from them? Destroy their family? Coming this far was hard enough. I can't make it worse. I'm already such a disappointment to them - moving out, spending my time at the theater, working on props, being so tired when I get home I have little energy but pull them into my lap and cuddle as we watch tv together? And then my wife tells me that I'd rather have my way, even if means them being at risk for serious harm or death. She hasn't lately, but she still assures me that she is absolutely certain I would never do it. And the thought still fills her with terror.
If I can't even be a good father to my kids, what good am I? The only person who wants me is the one who sees no trouble controlling me completely, mind, body, and soul.
God, it hurts. Frozen barbed wire wrapped tightly around my heart. The scream of the frozen metal searing my flesh. The blood weeping from a hundred steely pinpricks, freezing black in place. The cold, oily, noxious miasma of evil pulling it tighter and tighter. A thousand papercuts. Baby piranha kisses, tearing neat little nibbles of flesh from my bones.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with being in this position. But not living with your children doesn't equal walking away from them. You have to choose between the lesser of two evils, and for that I am sorry. Just try to figure out which of the two evils will hurt your children less and then you'll know what to do.
The disappointment and guilt belong to you, not to them. I am not saying this because I believe you should feel that way but YOU believe that, at least right now. There's a famous line in The Devil's Advocate where the Devil says "Guilt is like a bag of bricks, all you need to do is set it down." I'm going to take that out of context somewhat, but WHY SHOULD YOU FEEL GUILTY? Because you have given and given of yourself and your care and love have not been properly reciprocated? DON'T YOU DARE OWN THAT!
Yes, you made a mistake. You manned up to it, have sought out therapy, and have been punished, shunned, isolated and slandered by numerous "friends". Enough is enough. You have been there, done that, got the T-Shirt to prove it, and it's time to move on. If they can't or won't, let them be petty little people living petty little lives in the past. You, sir, are MUCH better than that!
Your children are young, and they will adjust. They only need to know one infallible truth: You love them more than anything in the whole world. Once they hear that truth AND your actions are congruent daily, hourly and minute by minute with that truth, how in the world will that harm them??
Divorces happen all the time. It's unfortunate, but often necessary. You are a beautiful, nurturing and creative soul. Right now the manipulations of your wife have you chained to cinder blocks and on a whim she decides to dangle them in the water and pull them back up just in time to allow you a breath. But is that one breath what you really need or deserve? Are you so busy being thankful for her pulling back at the last minute that your sensibilities are skewed like a broken gyroscope?
Your children sound amazing. They will continue to be amazing and loved by you, despite the machinations of your wife and her family. No one that TRULY loves someone manipulates. Right now, you are her cat toy to bat around as she chooses, and all she has done so far is bat her eyelashes and pretend she didn't realize what she was doing. BS! BS! BS!
Do what is right for your soul, and by default this will be healthy for your children as well.
It is simply awful that you cannot live with them. I don't know what to say that would help.
One thing that your wife did to you that struck me as particularly underhanded was ending your friendship for you. That shows such a lack of empathy and respect.
Sending you strength.