I definitely am and have started going to CODA meetings.

What I have learned is that living with abuse causes us to cope in unhealthy ways. These unhealthy coping strategies become habits. Codependent is a very broad term and traits each of us express can vary greatly as well.

I don't know if I was like this prior; I think perhap to a degree. This relationship sealed the deal for me. All that matters to me now is that I no longer want to be like this. I need to change my behaviors or else" I'll keep getting what I have always gotten", I am not happy.

Boundaries? yup...learning those now as well. Speaking of boundaries...my H actually said."If you had been better at enforcing your boundaries none of this would have happened." (gasp)

Only you can know if you are codependent. Knowing that you are codependent is the start of getting better...and yes there is help out there for that.

Visit the coda website. www.coda.org There is a checklist on the site that is very comprehensive and breaks codependence down into categories so you can see where you may fall within the spectrum.

Good for you for leaving..it never gets any better if you stay

Wishing you all the best,

Seawee

I am MOST DEFINATELY.... I didn't even know what it was until I visited here and Melanies site that I go in..

I had controlling parents and both are emotionally unavailable, I've sought nothing but validation and approval for as long as I can remember.. but it's took this episode with my ex to bring it to the surface....
For once I realise I was picked because of my empathy, kindness, confidence and general concern for most people..... never again...

Seawee I will checking that link you put, as I need to address my issues..

At least now 11 weeks on i'm not scared to go food shopping on my own, or be around other people... I'd never experienced that in my life before.. and I can say I NEVER WANT TO AGAIN...

Many hugs from Susan x x

thanks for your replies..
susan......where does it say on melanies site about being co-dependant? xx

I'm sure I read it on there, she has loads of articles, so I cannot remember which one...will try and find it. x x

Here is a snippet off one article


Co-Dependency - The Plague Of Mankind

The human disease of co-dependency is widespread. It's estimated that the greater majority of individuals have experienced an emotionally dysfunctional childhood. Its suggested that any child who grew up in a dysfunctional family has developed the disease of co-dependency.

What is co-dependency? Co-dependency is a dis-ease of being outer-focused rather than being able to healthily detach from people and situations to focus on and take care of Self. Co-dependency is an unhealthy dependency on outer circumstances.


Please Help Me Be Safe

Rather than take responsibility for their own lives, co-dependents try to control events and people through granting compassion, advice giving, lecturing, helplessness, emotional blackmail, manipulation, guilt or anger.

Co-dependents feel empty on the inside and try to fill this emptiness with things outside of themselves. They are personally dis-empowered in this state.

In most cases co-dependents are trying to re-write the scripts of their painful childhoods, and will re-attract the same pain over and over. Co-dependents often try to make safe and trustworthy environments with unsafe and untrustworthy individuals and circumstances.

By trying to control aspects outside of themselves co-dependents end up being controlled by life and other people. Co-dependents forfeit their right to create their own lives.

Its very important to realize that when were trying to change our outer life and are not congruently honouring ourselves, we are acting co-dependently. When were trying to fix life and other people were in a position where this can hurt us. If we continue to stand there whilst complaining, blaming or attempting to control the situation or person, we will keep getting hurt.



Im Nothing Without You

In advanced stages of the disease, all our feelings (the greater majority will be obsession and pain) will depend on someone or something else. Well have lost ourselves to a level where we cant identify or respond to what we require for our safety and well-being. We forfeit our rights to identify and maintain healthy boundaries. Our ability to take care of ourselves and treat ourselves with respect desperately diminishes. (Please see my "How To Understand and Implement Healthy Boundary Function eBook".)






xxx

Hi again...
Go on her site, click articles...
scroll down to Empowered Self
It's the 3rd article down.... it has links to ebooks, so its better looking on there, as I can't add the links on here.

Right, i'm off to do my extra shifts.. speak later.
xx

Oh one day last week someone put a codependent check list up and I think that is exactly what we all are. We rely on our abusers because they need us to abuse. We feel the need to fix them or their situations and the only way to stop is to detach and I am reading a book I am hoping helps called "Codependent no more" its by a very good author who was herself codependent. I am hoping it helps me to change plus I am getting therapy and groups to help me change.

I don't think we all are. I've been meaning to look up codependency for a while because I keep seeing it mentioned on here. However I just looked at that checklist and apart from the obvious bits related to staying in the abusive relationship there's very little on that list I would apply to myself. I'm sure many of us either end up in an abusive relationship because we're codependent, or become codependent as a result of it, but I don't think being codependent is something that automatically applies to anyone who is abused.