I am so sorry. This crap from your ex sounds so familiar, and YES it is to hurt you-it's to make you feel guilty, it's to make you feel like defending, or explaining or apologizing so you'll make contact. It is unwanted, and harassing and manipulative.

He said:

"I wanted to apologize, I said some harsh stuff the last time we spoke, most of which was true, but you should keep from telling the truth sometimes to keep from hurting that person."

He is lying, he does NOT want to apologize, saying "I said bad stuff, but it was true" is NOT taking responsibility-it is avoiding responsibility. It is trying to make him sound like a good guy, without actually doing the right thing-a manipulation. He thinks this might work.


"He told me he was self destructive when I left and did things he's not proud of."

Again, avoiding responsibility-it's YOUR fault, you see, that he behaved that way because you left.

You said:

"He also brought up my ex fianc and said "one day I wish I could be someone's [ex's name], someone that would love me so much than I could just destroy and ruin her from ever being able to love anyone or anything again"

That is so sick it's kind of creepy.....do you realize how messed up this statement is-and it tells you everything you ever need to know about this guy-he has NO IDEA what love is. He doesn't need to wish it-he's DOING IT! And, not taking responsibility for it.

I would RUN, not walk, away from someone like this. I know it hurts-it's meant to hurt. I am so sorry you are being subjected to this.

I also just wanted to add, because I think you might need to hear it, that your mom can make statements like that because she is not emotionally invested like you are. People say hurtful things-we get hurt. We have a dream of what our lives with someone are going to be and it gets crushed, we have to go through a process of mourning that dream-but that is what it is-a dream-the reality of what it was is why you left and why you stay no contact.

But that doesn't that because part of you recognizes all the shades of wrong this behavior is, doesn't meant another part of you can't still love the promise of what you were hoping the two of you could be. It's okay (and it's kind of not-because it sucks) to have these feelings of attachment. I mean, it's not abnormal, it's not crazy, and it doesn't mean anything is "wrong" with you, other than you need to heal. And that is a process. And you are taking the steps you need to to heal, and I admire you for it. But that's doesn't mean it's not hard, and that you won't have tough feelings about it, and it takes time.

Oh, one last thing I forgot-I think you'd find it amazingly therapeutic to not just go No Response, but go true No Contact-in that even if the finds ways around your barriers, don't read this crap. It will make the healing easier and faster.

Over my nearly 60 years on this planet I fell in love with abusers, jerks, and charming assholes. I have found I don't have a great deal of choice over who I am attracted to and who I fall in love with. I still love my exes, even the most abusive one, but I don't like him and I don't want to be around him. The things that attracted me to the abusive ones, became repulsive as I got more therapy. Amazingly my relationships improved with therapy as well. You can love people, realize they are toxic for you and keep a distance.
I spent way too much of my life desperate for love and sadly it made me settle for less and only attracted other desperate and damaged people.
As I learn to love me, I shy away from anyone who does not exude kindness.

Great advice here!
Especially don't even try to understand it...he is sick. Good for you for getting away....yep, you really love him, I so understand that. But ignore as best you can...ugggh. It is never good, and just hurtful, believe me I so know. ((hugs))

How can you possibly love a man like that? What are you? A decent, honest human being? Seriously, you loved him once - or at least the mask he once put on for you - and becaues you are a decent, honest human being, you are not able to just turn that love off as if it were a switch or a choice. As you get stronger, the love will fade. It may or may not ever go away, but it will fade and not be so compelling. But wherever you are on that spectrum is where you are - it's not right or wrong, it just is. Your feelings (including love for a man who is toxic) are also not right nor wrong, they just are. It's only what you do with them that can be right or wrong. I'm almost 7 years out, more than 6 years no contact, but (particularly because we have a son), I still feel occasional bursts of raw anger at what he did to us and the lasting impact it has on the life of my son, who is growing up without a father. And that's ok - I don't let the anger control me, I don't do anything with it to hurt others, I don't use it to break no contact. I just work through it, allow myself the right to it, and it fades by itself. Your love is similar. Allow yourself the right to still love him, to feel whatever you feel for him (even if it's love and hate at the same time, yearning and anger, whatever it is you feel). It's ok. Just don't let it control your choices.

As for why? The abuser's game plan is always to keep you playing. The way they win is by keeping you playing - it doesn't matter how. Which is why they can go from sweet to apologetic to raging to loving to indifferent and back again in the space of a few heartbeats. They just want to keep you playing. His telling you "all these sweet things" didn't work. His "I've moved on" didn't work. So now he's tried another tactic - let's see if the (fake, not taking actual responsibility but really blaming you for everything) apology will work.

Just an aside, my favourite part of it was the "I wanted to apologise ..." He wanted to. Well why the hell didn't he? Why did he instead make it all about how it's not his fault, he's a good guy, you're the one to blame for everything? He "wanted to" apologise, but chose not to. Sure. I believe that. Just like I believe there's a pig flying past my window right now.

Stay out of the game. Refuse to play. But don't let anyone tell you how you "should" feel about him either.

Thank you so much for your advice. From now on I won't even read the messages like you suggest and hopefully it does make me heal faster. I also won't let anyone make me feel bad for still loving him. My friends and family have never been in that situation so they'll never understand. I do realize (I think) that I love the person I thought he was but obviously is not. What he said about someone loving him so much that he has the ability to ruin her? That is sickening. That's not a healthy love for anyone and I don't want that.