So I have remained NC with my ex bf since the Facebook message he sent saying "I miss you. " To which I replied " I wish I could believe that." And I never got a response. This was April 2. In talking to one of his good friends she said, this was not on me and that he had his demons to work out before he could be good for anyone. So why do I feel like ..if only I had taken his calls when he tried to get ahold of me in January and February and half of December ..and maybe if I could of been more like HER..his on and off but long term gf..who he has had for years..at least I would not be alone? He has honestly seemed to finally given up on me. I feel my esteem has taken a huge hit. He will never be alone. Even if he puts his weight back on, even if he is so brutal to whoever he is with emotionally, even no matter how often he cheats on them, he will always have drugs and money. He can get them high, take them on trips..charm them. Sad thing is, I never wanted his drugs as I don't smoke so couldn't do pot, the pills he had scared me, and the trips I turned down as I was afraid they were drug related. So why can't I let this man go? Is it because he offered to hurt my abuser that hurt me as a child? Or that he took me to plays and out to eat and he paid and was polite enough to pull out my chair, to be such a gentleman, to act like I was worth something? Sorry, just having a hard night and I get so tired of being alone and trying to be strong. Thanks for listening.