Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So......He comes home from work (I was off today) and I am in the kitchen cooking dinner. It is obvious he is in a mood when he walks in because he starts yelling at me about the fact that I put three bags of trash in the foyer to be taken to the dump tomorrow. (Mind you, I am the one that takes the trash to the dump, but I couldn't afford to waste the gas as I will need it to get to work until Wednesday, so I stuck the trash there to take on my way (so I won't forget it or be late dragging it down two flights of steps). Anyway, I explain that and he then launches into why did I get dressed today then. Huh!?!?!? At this point I am utterly confused; he knows I go to the end of the road to get the girls off the bus when I am off work, but I say that anyway. He then sneers at me, oh so you got dressed for that did you. And rolls his eyes. But I refuse to take the bait because I know this is him trying to pick a fight--anyway, I'm not dressed up, I have loose fitting capris and a tee-shirt on, big deal, but whatever....
So, he then comes back out and starts grilling me about why didn't I wash his dress shirt he wore yesterday. I explain to him that I have no more laundry detergent until payday; I did one final load today (all the rest was done yesterday, but the girls and I went to the beach so we had wet towels and such from yesterday). Anyway, I couldn't fit everything, and I knew he would need work clothes so I washed those. He is now pissed at me because I should have known that his older daughter (my stepdaughter) was having knee surgery tomorrow and he might go to the surgery center to see her. Now how the f was I supposed to know that if he didn't tell me, and damn it I cannot read his mind. If I had washed the dress shirt he would have been mad because I didn't wash his work clothes; I can't win for losing. And of course he is all "I bet you washed your clothes, blah blah blah".
Anyway, he then starts playing games about where did I get the capris I'm wearing--did I buy them? Actually they were my younger daughters and they don't fit her; she never wore them because she doesn't like the style; so she gave them to me; but of course he doesn't want to hear that. Whatever....again I don't let him make me react. So then he says something to the effect that I'm getting bigger. What the hell. I've actually lost seven pounds since April 1. I am pretty proud of that, and I'm not really a big person at all. He knows however that I am very sensitive about my weight--having had eating issues in the past, some things are a little harder to get over than others I guess. Anyway, I say to him--actually I lost seven pounds. He scoffs and sneers and says yeah right, whatever. Well, he hurt my feelings this time--definitely hit the mark. But I say yes I did; he again starts cackling like a mad man and calls me a liar because I DEFINITELY am not LOSING weight. Okay, this time I lost my cool and ran from the room crying. I obviously overreacted, I realize that, but damn.
He takes a shower and leaves to go buy himself a new outfit to wear to the hospital tomorrow--after all he will be seeing his ex and can't have her thinking less of him. I call him about ten minutes after he leaves because I know he's angry that I ran out of the room (yeah I know), and I explain to him that he is the only person that hasn't noticed my weight loss, but I am not going to hold him to that--to which he interrupts me with why the hell would he notice my weight(now remember, he is the one that brought it up by talking about my getting bigger), and I continued by telling him that his condescending attitude and laughter about it was cruel and rude and he hurt my feelings. He then starts screaming at me that he doesn't give a damn about my feelings, just go cry about it already and leave him the f alone.
So, I should be hurt more by his comments, but somehow they actually made me feel better. I don't know why, but instead of getting on here angry with him, I am actually laughing because I am starting to see that when I excuse his behavior for this reason or that one, I am the one lying to myself--he has no excuses because he feels he doesn't need them; I am beneath him and not worthy of his feelings or caring. That just makes things so much clearer to realize that.
Anyway, now I need to work a little harder on not letting him bait me--especially when I am well aware that is exactly what he is doing. UGGHH.....I was doing so well at the nonreact thing and now I have to start all over. Jesus this is so exhausting!!
So, he then comes back out and starts grilling me about why didn't I wash his dress shirt he wore yesterday. I explain to him that I have no more laundry detergent until payday; I did one final load today (all the rest was done yesterday, but the girls and I went to the beach so we had wet towels and such from yesterday). Anyway, I couldn't fit everything, and I knew he would need work clothes so I washed those. He is now pissed at me because I should have known that his older daughter (my stepdaughter) was having knee surgery tomorrow and he might go to the surgery center to see her. Now how the f was I supposed to know that if he didn't tell me, and damn it I cannot read his mind. If I had washed the dress shirt he would have been mad because I didn't wash his work clothes; I can't win for losing. And of course he is all "I bet you washed your clothes, blah blah blah".
Anyway, he then starts playing games about where did I get the capris I'm wearing--did I buy them? Actually they were my younger daughters and they don't fit her; she never wore them because she doesn't like the style; so she gave them to me; but of course he doesn't want to hear that. Whatever....again I don't let him make me react. So then he says something to the effect that I'm getting bigger. What the hell. I've actually lost seven pounds since April 1. I am pretty proud of that, and I'm not really a big person at all. He knows however that I am very sensitive about my weight--having had eating issues in the past, some things are a little harder to get over than others I guess. Anyway, I say to him--actually I lost seven pounds. He scoffs and sneers and says yeah right, whatever. Well, he hurt my feelings this time--definitely hit the mark. But I say yes I did; he again starts cackling like a mad man and calls me a liar because I DEFINITELY am not LOSING weight. Okay, this time I lost my cool and ran from the room crying. I obviously overreacted, I realize that, but damn.
He takes a shower and leaves to go buy himself a new outfit to wear to the hospital tomorrow--after all he will be seeing his ex and can't have her thinking less of him. I call him about ten minutes after he leaves because I know he's angry that I ran out of the room (yeah I know), and I explain to him that he is the only person that hasn't noticed my weight loss, but I am not going to hold him to that--to which he interrupts me with why the hell would he notice my weight(now remember, he is the one that brought it up by talking about my getting bigger), and I continued by telling him that his condescending attitude and laughter about it was cruel and rude and he hurt my feelings. He then starts screaming at me that he doesn't give a damn about my feelings, just go cry about it already and leave him the f alone.
So, I should be hurt more by his comments, but somehow they actually made me feel better. I don't know why, but instead of getting on here angry with him, I am actually laughing because I am starting to see that when I excuse his behavior for this reason or that one, I am the one lying to myself--he has no excuses because he feels he doesn't need them; I am beneath him and not worthy of his feelings or caring. That just makes things so much clearer to realize that.
Anyway, now I need to work a little harder on not letting him bait me--especially when I am well aware that is exactly what he is doing. UGGHH.....I was doing so well at the nonreact thing and now I have to start all over. Jesus this is so exhausting!!
It's sad you had to deal with all of that!! I mean... that is awful treatment. Really. I'll have to say selfishly though that I'm glad to read it, because it sounds so familiar, and it's nice to know my situation isn't unique and my feelings aren't unique and I'm not crazy. I hope you can find similar comfort in the stories here.
And I'll pass along some advice from my counselor: "go easy on yourself." He was attacking from ALL angles, which is another thing I can relate to. It IS exhausting. I usually pass out after the attacks- I mean, I literally get physically exhausted.
Oh! And this is important: not reacting is for YOU not him!! Much strength to you!
The urge to defend ourselves is overwhelming isn't it?
When we start falling all over ourselves trying to defend their stupid complaints, they are getting what they want. To fluster us, to upset us, to churn us up inside!
You can't win for losing because they are in "Big Titty Baby" mode
and like the evil stepmother in the moving Cinderella... they will complain about anything and everything.
I love your second to last paragraph! I agree with you and that is so true! In his reality of entitlement , he deserves the world and he will discount everything you do.
Stay strong and replace falling all over yourself with explanations with a cold stony stare!
It is exhausting, I agree. but once I stopped expecting him to fulfill me in a kind, compassionate way.. I was able to stand back and appreciate myself for what I do in this household more than ever. In a strange development.. I am actually able to appreciate the good things he does a lot more too... It's crazy. Standing up for myself and knowing I can't control anyone BUT myself.. has made me feel so much better.
One line in particular jumped out at me as I read your post:
' I lost my cool and ran from the room crying. I obviously overreacted, I realize that, but damn. '
You did not overreact. He had been baiting you incessantly after he walked through the door. It was the build up of these cutting remarks, capped off a very personal, hurtful attack on your weight (which he knew was a sensitive subject) that led to you running from the room and crying... You were trying to escape and release the hurt!
Also, what is this BS (excuse my language, I am a little frustrated with these guys today) about leaving to go buy a new outfit? Let me get this right... You are struggling to put gas in your car and buy laundry detergent while he is off shopping? What the heck! The least time I checked laundry detergent was cheaper than buying a new shirt. That is the reason why it was invented!!
He sounds like a self-serving, arrogant a**hole who does not deserve the kind, caring, empathetic person that is you... :)
I also wanted to agree wholeheartedly with ooooo saying to go easy on yourself. I just wrote a really long post on another post ("Wish there was a pill for this"), including a story about my father from just this weekend past. Same sort of deal, they know our buttons and they will just keep pressing until they get the reaction they want. So that they can berate us for the reaction.
I'm getting better at not allowing my father to bait me. But I forgive myself those occasions where he manages. Because the way I see it, I'm like an amateur soccer player, trying to play goalie against one of the world's best strikers (who also happens to know all my weak points). Instead of beating myself up for every time one gets through, I pat myself on the back for EVERY one I manage to not let through.
You deserve to be well proud of yourself for it taking so many goes before he got a goal.