welcome, though I am sorry you need to be here. we wont judge you here. most if not all of us have been there or are there with you. leaving is a personal choice that is totally yours. someone on here uses a saying that change comes when the pain of today is greater than the fear of tomorrow. or something like that. feel free to share as much or as little as often as you like. if he has access to your (whatever u use to get on here) please take care to delete history and cover ur tracks. even nonviolent abusers can become violent when they find out we are reaching out to others (I know its hard to see in our own situations sometimes but it CAN happen.)
I can tell you that for me the one thing that has saved my sanity is selfcare. when i first starteed reading here i had NO idea how to do it and didnt even believe i deserved it really but it has kept me going.
Warm hugs

Welcome. No one will judge you here. We have all been in different situations, but there are so many common features, we understand each other. I hope you find the support and validation you need here.

You'll not be judged here. I was married to my abuser for 25 years. The last 10 were horrific. I kicked him out when I knew it was very possible that he would kill me or one of our children. He was a nasty alcoholic. Stay safe! You'll know when it's time to go.

No judgement here.

No one but you can
decide when or how
to leave.

I usually provide a number
for the nearest women's center,
but I don't know if, possibly,
there are other resources
for a spouse of a serviceman.

Just in case, here's the number
I found that might be of use to
you, anyway:

(785) 232-9784

I heartily concur that
SELF-CARE is a
wonderful antidote
to abuse. It's not just
a mani-pedi or day at
a spa. It's anything
and everything that
supports your wellbeing.
As a busy mom, you may
think you can't afford the
time. But your wellbeing
is the MOST IMPORTANT
thing for the maintenance
of your childrens' wellbeing.
Without you, all they've got
is an abusive father.

Please take good care
of yourself.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better things.

Hi Brown and welcome, altho I am sorry you find yourself having to be here. No judgments here. I was married to career military all the way thru his career and for almost two decades after. I can really related to being afraid of leaving. I didn't even know I was living w/an abuser who was/is also an alcoholic. So we have a lot in common. I believe that abuse and/or alcoholism/drug addiction is rampant in the military and mostly they turn a blind eye to it.

I didn't leave because I didn't think I could make it on my own, let alone support my children. So I stayed, not knowing or understanding that I was in an abusive/alcoholic environment. I reached out to several different sources to get help, thinking I was the problem. And got no real help.

I finally left after 36 yrs of marriage, two unsuccessful interventions (I don't recommend doing an intervention either!) and several tries at individual and couples counseling.

A couple of things I can tell you for 110% sure are that
1. as long as he is drinking you are dealing with the alcohol and not the person.
2. as long as you stay in this toxic environment, the chances of you doing more than surviving are slim to none, even w/the best therapy available.
3. do NOT tell him you are on this site or that he is abusive or an alcoholic. He will only deny it (or possibly admit to it to shut you up) and then use it against you later.
4. he will get WORSE and not better
5. children learn what they live and live what they learn. Plus, even if he's not abusive to them, just them being in the same house and toxic environment can cause emotional & spiritual, as well as brain damage (in the form of possible PTSD and/or the shrinking of the hippocampus). Abuse causes trauma and trauma affects everyone on the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual level.

I am sorry to be so pessimistic, but I believe in being honest.

Please listen to Ilene. I'm glad she gave you the number because unless things have changed greatly (and I don't think they have), the chances of you getting help from the military are, once again, slim to none. They are the epitome of the good old boys network.

As everyone else has suggested, self-care is crucial for you. giggle has some great and possibly life saving advice. And she's right about non-violent abusers becoming violent at any time, especially if they think they are losing control. I lived w/mostly verbal, emotional, spiritual & sexual abuse, but he also abused animals, was what I thought too rough on the kids, and he punched holes in the walls. His philosophy was don't get mad, get even. But under that was rage.

Do NOT under any circumstances tell him about what you're doing or thinking about. Just in case, make sure you have a close TRUSTED friend/relative (NOT a mutual friend or his relative) or someone at the shelter on your emergency speed dial w/a code word to have them call the civilian police if things escalate. (unless you live on military housing in which case you might contact the local civilian authorities to see if they have jurisdiction) Better safe than sorry. Also have some 'mad money' stashed away in case you have to leave in a hurry.

Being married to the military can be very isolating and that adds to the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. But there are things you can do to alleviate some of those feelings.

Please go to your nearest shelter and take advantage of their resources.

And please take good care of you!

I just read your post in another group and I urge you to go to your shelter and make a SAFE plan to leave w/your children. He is DANGEROUS! He pulled a knife on someone and he's not following thru w/the programs. You are your children ARE in danger. Be absolutely sure you clear all your cookies and history on any devices you use so he doesn't know how or what you are thinking/feeling.

An abuser who fears s/he is losing his/her source WILL escalate.

As long as he is in the military he will have to provide for the children financially and put them on his health care. Your local women's shelter should have resources that include therapy and legal advice. Just do NOT go to the military for legal advice. You can find a lot of information on line and in a military town will have at least some attorneys who are familiary w/military law. Just BE SURE the attorney isn't affiliated w/the military. (I learned that one the hard way!)

Please don't assume he wouldn't hurt you or the kids. He's already proven he is violent AND when you add alcohol to the mix, you get BADs (bad alcoholic decisions) and he will continue to make them, as he continues to make the choice to drink. That makes him a danger to everyone, especially his family.

He's out of direct contact with us until he finishes these programs. I can only talk to him on the phone and via text. I have two or three people, in various parts of the country willing to give us safe harbor until we can get on our feet. Should I assume actually going back to my hometown and immediate family is not safe right away? In case he comes after us? I haven't put any concrete plans in place at all and I'm not sure the local shelter would have room for all of us... I didn't put two and two together honestly with the roommate incident because the other man challenged and insulted my husband while they were both drunk. I never really thought about him being dangerous to us because of it. I guess I'm a fool...

You are NOT a fool. Most of us have been where you are. It's just part of the abuse cycle.

You are right to be concerned about going someplace he has access to. However, your shelter should have resources to help you get a restraining order or whatever other legal means you might need. You might also ask them to advise you about going No Contact w/him.

The most important thing is that you and your kids stay safe. The shelter can help you make a SAFE plan to leave. You can go to your local shelter w/o having to stay there. Call and make an appointment for a consultation. They should be able to help you get counseling and legal advice. Then when you are safely away the shelter, either the one where you are now or the one where you're going, can help you get the legal things you need done like temporary support, child support and health care coverage.

Please keep detailed records of the abuse incidents, especially when/where he is violent (like punching walls, throwing things, threatening you, etc.), even if he hasn't hit you. I would also get whatever records there are about the incident w/the knife, even if charges weren't filed. The more detailed info you have, the better.

It is very scary thinking about leaving. But it's more scary staying because he is a loose and very dangerous cannon. Has he been officially diagnosed w/PTSD by the military? Is he under a dr's care? Do they have him on meds? and if so, do they know he's drinking? Sadly the military isn't known for doing much to force them to get help.

He was only formally diagnosed after this incident though he's been on their radar for it since his first Fallujah tour in 2006. One of the programs he's in now is to help him control it, though he's not being 100% honest with that doctor either. He knows if he tells them about the violence towards me he'l be in a world of hell. He tells them about how I'm his rock and how much he needs me and about how he would have ate his gun a long time ago if it wasn't for me which I'm not sure I even believe anymore. I'm starting to think that's just part of the mask he wears for the outside world and the things he says to help other people argue for his good points when I try to talk to them. Its his favorite things to say when I'm close to just packing a bag and leaving. There's this small part of me that wants to believe these programs will help him and that he'll make good on all the promises he's made the last eight years, but I don't know that I can put all my eggs in that basket of hope anymore. It kills me because I love him, despite everything and I know how foolish that really is, but I just can't help it. I only wished he loved me enough to be the man he promises to be.

Here's the thing, alcoholics are very good at manipulating people & convincing them of things that aren't true. And they just as soon lie as tell the truth.

Do they know he is an alcoholic?

I understand that you love him. I was there too. But w/an alcoholic, the only way to love them in a healthy way is to detach with love. While hope is important, we can't live on hope when they are living w/polluted/toxic brains because they are NOT who we think they are. The alcohol takes over and it's just not them any more. Sad, but true.

It will take years, if ever for him to get better & it doesn't sound like he's making much of an effort to get better.

I had to decide if I was going down w/the ship or saving myself. But I waited way too long. I see what exposing the kids to the abuse and alcoholism did to them and that is my biggest regret.

It worries me that IF he's actually telling the drs that you are his rock and they are NOT seeing that he is very codependent and trying to enmesh you w/him and/or he is lying to them and to you. Chances are he's totally lying to you at the very minimum about what he tells his drs and/or counselors.

Have they asked you for any input or discussed his diagnosis w/you? Or is he the one telling you what he's been diagnosed with?

They know full and we'll he's an alcoholic, it's one of the two programs he's in now. The doctors and such won't talk to me about his treatment, but he wouldn't be in a program for ptsd if he didn't have a formal diagnosis. I have no doubt that he's been manipulative with me nor do I doubt that he's lied to me.

Many here have shared
much wisdom already.

I'm going to share some
experience --- both personal
and clinical.

Regarding alcohol and
substance abuse programs,
some people do succeed.
Twelve step programs have
worked for many, over the years.

Regarding "anger management"
programs and programs for
abusers ---- these are well-intended.
Unfortunately, few abusers
end up becoming NON-abusers.
Even those who may be
termed "recovering" are
seldom candidates for
being intimate partners
or parents.

For the record, alcoholism
is NOT the root of abuse.
It can make it worse, but
it's NOT the cause.

I agree with MTC. If
he's been violent under
the influence, he can
easily be violent
stone cold sober.

You have children
and years of investment.
With each passing day
you'll have more and more
years in the history of the
relationship, and
fewer and fewer
years stretching
out in front of you.

We who stayed
under the roof of abuse
for decade upon decade
and finally got free,
often look back and
wish we'd cut our losses
long before we did.

No one can decide
about your life,
but you.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
strength and
freedom.

Please take good care.