Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So I have left my Abusive Ex but I am really trying joint custody of our son with him. It is so hard. I do not know if or how i am able to continue He is still very abusive to me and I try to speak with him as little as possible but I sent him an email today. i couldn't not hold it in and felt I had to say something.
I really tired but knew there would be no point but just for my own satisfaction and of course proved me right.
Please read if you want I just need some confirmation that I am not crazy this is still very abusive right?
We have to be able to talk and communicate about our son like mature adults or this joint custody is not going to work. I sent you a message yesterday and you did not respond. This is not acceptable. You and I were both in those meetings with the lawyers. Its 8pm the latest. It was also his bed time.
I know I will get some more reposes back from you about how this is what I wanted and all my fault. Please just don't. I have heard it all and it will not change where we are at right now.
I want what is best for our son. I know then I should not have left. Bottom line - I can't be with you, to stay would not be best for me and in return would not be best for our son. I need to be happy and healthy and that makes me a better parent to our son and the same for you.
SONS NAME says you are sad just about every time I pick him up from you. I say "Daddy" and he immediately says "Daddy is Sad". Now he is saying.. "Daddy is sad cause of Mommy". Then he says "SONS NAME is Sad". I say why "Daddy Sad so SONS NAME Sad." You want SON NAME to be sad? This is not good for him at all. It is putting him in the middle of our problems. This is hurting him. This will hurt him more than a divorce. When two parents can not communicate and put their son first - is what will hurt him!
I am not saying to like me, forgive me, but to civil and able to communicate and put our son first.
I will and have only be responding to you about our son and whatever legal matters need to be dealt with. That is how it will continue.
I don't need to hear again how this is all my fault - although I am sure I will. I will not respond to it.
SONS NAME did seem to have a great time with you and the family yesterday. He was pooped out and fell right asleep not stirring once. Im glad he was able to be with everyone and you to celebrate.
I will be there Wednesday morning to pick up as usual.
Please also let me know if he will need to go to Meghan's Thursday.
HIS RESPONSE.
You told me you put Kyle down around 9 pm, thats what time I brought him back. You were able to spend all of Mothers Day with SONS NAME, and you know how important both Mother's Day and Father's Day are to me. I spent time with him on my day. You were not home when I picked up SONS NAME, your mother only said you had to run - I didnt know what that meant, figured you had a race or you just werent home yet from wherever you may have been the night before. I dont know where you are and what you are doing or who you are with, just that you were not with our son.
You know exactly how I feel about this, you are right. I tried and tried, I thought my actions would have shown you how much you guys meant to me, but you know you hurt me and there was no coming back from the onset. I know that now.
How you can make what is best for you also be what is best for him is one of the selfish, egocentric things I have heard. To only look at something from your point of view and not see what he needs is incomprehensible to me. I dont understand how I could have been good enough for you for so long, and it all counts for nothing. I was all you ever wanted, until someone else came along. I am glad your therapist as helped you through all this - she has clearly made a big impact on you, in addition to other people telling you whatever you wanted to hear. I imagine it does make it easier.
I am not sure what to you want to hear from me about when you mention Daddy to SONS NAME. I am sorry that he knows what you did makes me sad. When SONS NAME and I are together, he doesnt say anything about me being sad - because I am not. SONS NAME's health and happiness are most important to me, (not my own) so we laugh and play games all the time. But when it is time for him to leave, and I see you walk in the door or drop him off, I barely recognize you. It makes me sad to say goodbye to my son, its something I never envisioned having to do. If you seriously think I want SONS NAME to be sad, I suggest you continue those sessions. You must be joking - and I do not appreciate your humor. I never put SONS NAME in the middle of anything that happens between you and I. SONS NAME asks me questions and I answer him honestly and with the truth. I always will. Just like I was always truthful with you when you spoke with me.
When I see you, I have nothing to say to you. I continue to say I love you, because I do. I love you both, more than you will ever know I suppose. I thought I had made it clear, as long as we were together, I thought you knew it.
You seem to want to put yourself first, and that's fine. I was always number 2 in our relationship, maybe you didnt notice, but I denied myself many times so you could be happy. Now I do the same for my son. You wrote about your happiness and health and how when you are happy SONS NAME will be happy. That doesnt make sense to me. He sure didnt seem happy leaving the DR's office the other day when he wanted to come home with me.
I dont expect you to respond to anything I say. I wouldnt want to deal with you much either, especially more than I had to, if I had hurt you like this. I know that I hurt you as well, and I have apologized over and over for it. It was never my intention, and other things in my life were affecting me in ways that I did not realize. But there was always this feeling in my mind that something else was going on, that also played a role in what was going on with me. Going all the way back to when we lived in Fishkill. I know I will never know the truth, and you have lied to me and your family so many times now, that I really do not believe much that you say.
SONS NAME and I always have a great time. Where ever we go and whatever we do, we have fun. I wish more than anything some days that you would just come home and e could be a family again. I was so proud to be your husband. You gave me the most beautiful son, and being his dad makes me so happy. I really miss my family. All the parties and traditions with your family. All taken from me.
School is over, I am taking him with me to work from here on out.
I still love you, but I have nothing else to say to you.
I really tired but knew there would be no point but just for my own satisfaction and of course proved me right.
Please read if you want I just need some confirmation that I am not crazy this is still very abusive right?
We have to be able to talk and communicate about our son like mature adults or this joint custody is not going to work. I sent you a message yesterday and you did not respond. This is not acceptable. You and I were both in those meetings with the lawyers. Its 8pm the latest. It was also his bed time.
I know I will get some more reposes back from you about how this is what I wanted and all my fault. Please just don't. I have heard it all and it will not change where we are at right now.
I want what is best for our son. I know then I should not have left. Bottom line - I can't be with you, to stay would not be best for me and in return would not be best for our son. I need to be happy and healthy and that makes me a better parent to our son and the same for you.
SONS NAME says you are sad just about every time I pick him up from you. I say "Daddy" and he immediately says "Daddy is Sad". Now he is saying.. "Daddy is sad cause of Mommy". Then he says "SONS NAME is Sad". I say why "Daddy Sad so SONS NAME Sad." You want SON NAME to be sad? This is not good for him at all. It is putting him in the middle of our problems. This is hurting him. This will hurt him more than a divorce. When two parents can not communicate and put their son first - is what will hurt him!
I am not saying to like me, forgive me, but to civil and able to communicate and put our son first.
I will and have only be responding to you about our son and whatever legal matters need to be dealt with. That is how it will continue.
I don't need to hear again how this is all my fault - although I am sure I will. I will not respond to it.
SONS NAME did seem to have a great time with you and the family yesterday. He was pooped out and fell right asleep not stirring once. Im glad he was able to be with everyone and you to celebrate.
I will be there Wednesday morning to pick up as usual.
Please also let me know if he will need to go to Meghan's Thursday.
HIS RESPONSE.
You told me you put Kyle down around 9 pm, thats what time I brought him back. You were able to spend all of Mothers Day with SONS NAME, and you know how important both Mother's Day and Father's Day are to me. I spent time with him on my day. You were not home when I picked up SONS NAME, your mother only said you had to run - I didnt know what that meant, figured you had a race or you just werent home yet from wherever you may have been the night before. I dont know where you are and what you are doing or who you are with, just that you were not with our son.
You know exactly how I feel about this, you are right. I tried and tried, I thought my actions would have shown you how much you guys meant to me, but you know you hurt me and there was no coming back from the onset. I know that now.
How you can make what is best for you also be what is best for him is one of the selfish, egocentric things I have heard. To only look at something from your point of view and not see what he needs is incomprehensible to me. I dont understand how I could have been good enough for you for so long, and it all counts for nothing. I was all you ever wanted, until someone else came along. I am glad your therapist as helped you through all this - she has clearly made a big impact on you, in addition to other people telling you whatever you wanted to hear. I imagine it does make it easier.
I am not sure what to you want to hear from me about when you mention Daddy to SONS NAME. I am sorry that he knows what you did makes me sad. When SONS NAME and I are together, he doesnt say anything about me being sad - because I am not. SONS NAME's health and happiness are most important to me, (not my own) so we laugh and play games all the time. But when it is time for him to leave, and I see you walk in the door or drop him off, I barely recognize you. It makes me sad to say goodbye to my son, its something I never envisioned having to do. If you seriously think I want SONS NAME to be sad, I suggest you continue those sessions. You must be joking - and I do not appreciate your humor. I never put SONS NAME in the middle of anything that happens between you and I. SONS NAME asks me questions and I answer him honestly and with the truth. I always will. Just like I was always truthful with you when you spoke with me.
When I see you, I have nothing to say to you. I continue to say I love you, because I do. I love you both, more than you will ever know I suppose. I thought I had made it clear, as long as we were together, I thought you knew it.
You seem to want to put yourself first, and that's fine. I was always number 2 in our relationship, maybe you didnt notice, but I denied myself many times so you could be happy. Now I do the same for my son. You wrote about your happiness and health and how when you are happy SONS NAME will be happy. That doesnt make sense to me. He sure didnt seem happy leaving the DR's office the other day when he wanted to come home with me.
I dont expect you to respond to anything I say. I wouldnt want to deal with you much either, especially more than I had to, if I had hurt you like this. I know that I hurt you as well, and I have apologized over and over for it. It was never my intention, and other things in my life were affecting me in ways that I did not realize. But there was always this feeling in my mind that something else was going on, that also played a role in what was going on with me. Going all the way back to when we lived in Fishkill. I know I will never know the truth, and you have lied to me and your family so many times now, that I really do not believe much that you say.
SONS NAME and I always have a great time. Where ever we go and whatever we do, we have fun. I wish more than anything some days that you would just come home and e could be a family again. I was so proud to be your husband. You gave me the most beautiful son, and being his dad makes me so happy. I really miss my family. All the parties and traditions with your family. All taken from me.
School is over, I am taking him with me to work from here on out.
I still love you, but I have nothing else to say to you.
If he really believed half of what he says, he wouldn't need to suggest that you must have another man.
My translation of his email, in point form:
* I don't care what we agreed, I will do as I please and make it your fault.
* Don't question me on anything or I will twist it all around to prove how awful you are.
* Unless you tell me precisely where you are and what you are doing at any given moment, I'll call you a cheating whore and use as proof the fact you weren't home one time when I came to pick up my son.
* How dare you seek happiness for yourself? You should know that you have absolutely no right to happiness, that is SO selfish. You have no right to anything YOU want. Now come back to me because that's what I want you selfish woman. I will continue to ignore any effect your emotional state or my abuse might have on the leverage ... erm, I mean, our son. Because that's beside the point.
* You are wrong about everything, but that stupid therapist and a bunch of losers telling you what you want to hear seem to be enough for you cos you are too stupid to know that you are not allowed to have any kind of a life unless it's the life I tell you to have. How dare they fill your mind with ideas of a right to autonomy, humanity and happiness.
* It's a shame he has somehow got the idea that I'm sad, not sure how, since I just answer questions "honestly" - eg, if he asks why mummy and daddy aren't together any more, I tell him mummy's selfish and mean and makes daddy sad, but you know, that's just being honest. Do you want me to lie to my child??????
* I am going to be THE ultimate fun dad, constantly showing up mummy to be the mean one, the selfish one, telling him "the truth" that everything is mummy's fault, because unlike you, I care about him.
* Everything's your fault and don't you forget it.
And all of it is rubbish. Don't let him see that he can get to you. It's all just so much bs. And yes, massively abusive - and confirmation that he will put your son in the middle any time he wants.
When you have kids together you do have to communicate, and email is a good medium because it's instant but can be documented. However, remember that you want to keep ANY communication with your ex:
BRIEF
INFORMATIVE
FACTUAL, and
FRIENDLY
Got that?
So a typical email will sound something like this:
"Hi Joe, I'm writing to let you know that Timmy's orchestra rehearsal is scheduled for the 16th at 8pm. He'd love for you to attend. We're still planning on your regular visitation this weekend from 9am Saturday to 7pm Sunday. Talk to you then, Darlene."
If your ex writes you a ranting, blaming email (my ex is particularly fond of those, usually accusing me of things he has made up in his own mind that have no basis in reality,) respond briefly, correcting the accusations by providing positive factual information.
So for example, your ex writes:
"I can't believe what a lying whore you are. I know you've been sneaking around with my boss. You were probably fucking him last weekend, weren't you? Is that what you spend all your money one? You're trash and you always will be. The kids hate you." (but like 5 pages of this... Abusers typically go on and on venting their anger.)
You would calmly respond with:
"Hi Joe. Remember, I'll be meeting your boss for the first time at the Acme Family Day event in October, which the kids and I are really looking forward to attending with you. See you at your regular pick-up time on Saturday. Darlene."
You don't even need to respond to most of the accusations because why bother? As for the rest of your email: Brief, positive, and factual. Nothing else. He'll find it difficult to argue with that.
The main benefit of composing emails this way is that abusers can't keep fighting with you if you refuse to engage. But a great secondary benefit is that if you get dragged into court with them, and you provide these email chains (DO save them!) it quickly becomes clear who is calm and stable and who is aggressive.
Basically Charlie Sheen posted a string of tweets saying some horrible, absolutely vile things about his ex Denise Richards. He has 11 million followers, and I am sure that was very painful for her. But instead of responding or arguing with him, she tweeted once in reply, "Happy Father's Day! Have a great trip in Mexico, the kids were disappointed you weren't here. We'll celebrate when you get back."
She didn't NEED to counter his arguments and accusations. To anyone watching, it's instantly clear who the crazy person is in this exchange. I know without a doubt who is sane and who is lying. I know who I would leave my kids with.
So my point is....
When your ex starts up with the email baloney, don't give in to the urge to email back. You're not crazy. You know the truth. The less you engage, the better. Let him go ahead and get on record how nutso he is, if he feels like it. But don't let him pull you into that same trap.
Good luck!
Drives me crazy what he is doing and saying to our son.
Just have to focus on my time with my son and be the best I can be for him hopefully he will learn and understand it all as he grows and not hate me. :(
Thanks for the examples on the writing notes. I will use that going forward. I have been pretty good - to the point - only speaking about our son but maybe not as friendly.
You know who this man is. His true colours will show to his son, as will yours. Be who you are, focus on loving your son and providing a safe place - even when he uses that safe place to hurt you - and he will be fine. He will one day learn to be grateful to you for having the strength to get out and to save him that life.