I'm sorry you are going through this--especially on Christmas! That isn't right. There isn't anything you did to deserve that abuse. Abusers will sometimes attack and then run. Like dropping bombs on us.

His behavior was cruel to you. I will say prayers for you. He needs help and you need to get away from his abuse!

Hugs!

I'm so sorry for the pain of what you're going through.

This situation is not "normal" for normal.

It IS normal for dysfunctional.

"Gifts" presented in a situation that's primarily abusive, are piddle ---- at best. If anything at all, they're actually another attempt at manipulation and control.

Your situation is abusive..... but I'm pretty sure you know that, since you're posting here on a board about emotional and physical abuse.

By the way, you did NOT set anything off. But my opinion is that in an abusive situation, it's pointless (at best), to talk about things that would be rational in the context of a healthy relationship.

Problems in an abusive relationship have VERY LITTLE to do with rational aspects of relationship, like communication.

That's why, trying to talk about these things in an abusive relationship, produces so little that's productive or effective.

Please take care. You are not crazy. You are in a crazy situation. Can you get out?

Sorry you are in pain but nothing you did set it off. Sounds like he is doing it deliberately to keep you off balance, if he didnt do something nice after being horrible it would give you time to work it out and see him for what he really is, a born abuser!!

If you write a secret diary of each day im sure when you read it you'll see a pattern of purposeful abuse then a bit of kindness afterwards, deliberate mental torture.

Mine only started this crap a few months before i left and in the end it became so obvious what he was doing instead of it making me feel crazy it just made me see him as an evil sicko!

I hope you can get out of it

I agree with shrekloveslucy - I think writing a secret diary every day to detail what happens so you can more easily see his craziness is a great idea. PLUS it will give you solid documentation for the law to get rid of him or get away. Dates and times are essential. And much along the same lines as what IleneW said, there's no point in trying to make sense of insanity. Keep yourself safe (this means your sanity as well).

It doesn't really matter what you did to trip his trigger, if his trigger is that volatile and exposed, its his responsibility. But if you are going to remain in the relationship for a time, I would really recommend curtailing discussion about the dysfunction of the relationship until the timing is appropriate (no kids). If you two have a communication breakdown, Christmas morning isn't the time to discuss it. But still, that doesn't justify his behavior.

While I understand the comment in reply #2 about gift giving being an effort to control and manipulate... that could be looking a little too deep considering the context... a Christmas gift on christmas day is appropriate with or without the abuse, and if he gave you nothing, that too would likely been seen as a negligent form of abuse. its not fair to set them up for a lose lose proposition where he is either wrong for giving a gift or wrong for not. Even if he doesn't play fair, that doesn't mean that we should throw our own sense of fairness out the window.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but is he bipolar? Many people with significant and valid mental illness have issues with these sorts of quick switches from reasonable to explosive and back to reasonable as if nothing happened. I'm not suggesting that if he has a mental illness that you should stay with him and try to understand it or tolerate it in the least. If he were to get help and realize it, that would be one thing, but an untreated mental illness is not an excuse for abuse.

And I don't think there is anything wrong with appreciating the things that are worth appreciating and also refusing to accept the things which aren't appreciated or acceptable. Just don't let that appreciation validate staying if you know you shouldn't stay. Appreciation is about the condition of YOUR heart, not about whether or not he is deserving, acceptable, or justifying of staying in the relationship. I appreciate how hard my dad worked to support our family all my life... and I understand now the incredible stress that he was under to do so... none of that excuses his bad behavior when he lost his temper. We don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Hi.

I TOTALLY second aikijedi's observation about curtailing discussion about dysfunction.

PLEASE. Don't try and reason with someone who's shown no capacity for rationality or reason.

And regards the Christmas gift ---- I stand corrected ---- in regards to a Christmas gift.

But presenting gifts in general, is a multi-faceted behavior. For some, it's a genuine act of love and caring. For others, it may be connected with manipulation, obligation and an intent to control. In the context of an abusive setting, gift giving can lose the innocense of uncomplicated love and caring.

I hope the Christmas holiday was a day of respite for all survivors who visit and post here on D.S. Best thoughts and prayers for all here. Take care and be well.

Ilene

Thank You...please keep me in your prayers. I'm going to suggest he get help but I don't feel like I should do that until I get help for myself. Help to keep me focused because I can make him get the help and I don't think he will.

I'm not that computer saavy so if I can post this reply. I would like to Thank everyone who posted to me. It helps to have people who know what's going on with this and can give me insight. I've taken the journal advise and I've started a plan to get out. I believe however I'm the one who needs help. What's wrong with me that I would even stay in something like this - that's what I want to know. But again "Thank You All" you've shed some light on where I am, what I'm dealing with and what direction to take.

Its SO sad that anyone has to deal with abuse...but it seems even worse at xmas. This is a time for happiness, joy and family.

He is messing with your head...they all do honey and with that, your self esteem is lowered to a point that you cant trust your own judgement anymore.

Rather than him being Bipolar, in my opinion, it sounds like he is on drugs of some sort..and his head is so messed up he has to mess with yours too.

You say you want to try and get him some help, honey with the best will in the world, only he can do that for himself!

I would, however, suggest that you get some help for yourself to enable you to get enough support to be able to get out of this situation, it cant be good for either you or your children.

You will get a lot of support and information from people here but I also encourage you to talk to a local womens centre, where they can help you decide whats best for you, help you get stonger and give you the support you need for you and the kids.

Take care......xx

abfab: this guy's behviour sounds really close to my stbx. I did some research and I sincerely believe that my stbx IS bipolar and has Antisocial Personality Disorder. Drugs and alcohol were definately part of the picture, but which came first, mental illness or self-medication?

Like it has already been said, this is still no excuse for abuse.

Tattoo.....we are ALL entitled to our own opinion.

I have one....alcohol and drugs CAUSE behaviour that is not acceptable. If people choose to "Self medicate" it is only making things worse.

Until someone is diagnosed...we can all only "Assume" and internet research isnt a diagnosis. Again I say, it was only in MY own opinion, likewise for your response and beliefs. xx

abfab: of course alcohol and drugs can cause bad behaviour, that's not even an opinion, that's a proven fact in the medical community. And yes, if someone self-medicates, it most certainly does make it worse.

I'm not sure what the intention of your message is here, but just to make things clear, I wasn't giving a diagnosis, just my opinion. I do think it's important to recognize that many ppl who are mentally ill do self-medicate and that it can be tricky to figure out which came first, the mental illness or drug abuse. And again, it's no excuse for abuse. I think it's important to explore more than one option, get second, third, fourth etc. opinions and arm yourself with as much information as possible.

FYI: although I'm not a doctor, I am a medical professional and am able to understand research that I find online, in the library or otherwise. If questions ever do arise, I know the medical professionals to go to for advice.

Tattoo.....listen, I think we have differing opinions here and thats cool! But this post isnt about you or me..its about Elija and trying to help her, which I feel both of us have done!

If you wish to speak to me or take anything else up with me directly, please feel free, I think it would be unreasonable and unfair to keep posting here.

Take care.x

Hi,
I'm new here and am so grateful to have found this site! My husband is excactly like that.
He would leave in the morning saying he loved me and that afternoon he wouldn't talk to me.
He even gets this really nasty expression in his eyes. ( Does anybody else get that?)
It was like he completly resented me!
This could go for days. I was so tense we would end up argueing and of course it was all my fault. About 5 months ago I decided to ignore him back after 11 yrs of falling into his trap.
Well, it was on! He verbally abused me for 5 days, every night when the kids were in bed he would come at me with everything, telling me to f... off etc. I just sat there and watched tv. Not a word back. This really helped me realise it wasn't ever anything I did. When he got so bad, I had to call the police, I had the clear reason, that I needed ,to leave him. And I swear I'll never go back!
They really do screw with your brain, don,t they?
Hugs, Julia xx

JulieB: I've seen those eyes. It's as though he literally hates me. There's no sign that he even recognizes who I am. They're like some kind of black hole.