Maddening, isn't it? I've heard it:

"Everybody else would check the order before you left the restaurant."
"Everybody else would have complained to the manager until the order was correct."
"You are the only person I know who has this happen."

But because of the way they compose themselves (they seem so confident!), and because of the times they treat us right, and because we are people who try to improve ourselves, we eventually start believing there is something wrong with us, and that we are the abnormal one.

Maddening. I'm a few months removed from it and my self confidence is still shot.

Just keep coming here - stay with us, and maybe you'll feel stronger over time. At least you're aware that it's all wrong; now don't get sucked back in! And I've learned that it's not always beneficial to try to educate an abuser - it just gives them more ways to get to you. HE is a lost cause, NOT you!

I've heard H change stories too.

In my opinion, they often go with the story that works at the moment--for their ultimate goal, which is to control you and confuse you.

For example: One day he might be talking about how he has unstable moods and he can't control how he acts. He really wants someone to just help him, so he says.

Lets say that works, and you actually expect him to carry through with the help. Well, he's already succeeded in getting you back, so now he says that he doesn't believe there is anything wrong with him. Plus, abuse doesn't exist. Also, it's really everyone else's fault, especially yours.

I've seen it go the opposite way: he tells you that it's all your fault. You tell him no. It's his.

He sees it doesn't work to accuse you, so he goes into victim mode and he suddenly realizes everything he's done wrong, and vows to change. Only, a month later you see he hasn't.

It's all about the goal. For normal people the goal is to stop hurting their lover. For abusers, the goal is often to get the lover back into their grasp, or to make the lover trust them again.

I may be jaded. My H actually went to abuse counseling. Guess what? He now says he doesn't believe in the concept of abuse. In fact, not cleaning the house to his standards is abuse, in his words. What did he really think? Really feel? I have no Idea. I just know not to trust him anymore.

BTW azkevin,
whenever anyone gets my order wrong, I get over it. That kind of stuff is not important enough to stress about. Some people might complain, and I am fine with that. I wouldn't. It's just not how I roll.

We all get to choose our own actions. That is our right. If you want to be layed back about it, then more power to you. If you want to be assertive about it, good for you too. But we're all different and we all have the right to choose for ourselves.

I don't think you're jaded at all, LK - I think you are spot on.

Abusers lie. They say whatever they believe will get them the desired result in the moment, and the desired result is generally either to create chaos and confusion and pain, or to ensure their victim is still firmly on the hook.

Thanks Livin!
I don't want to be jaded!
Maybe the term jaded can be transformed.
Jade, to my knowledge, is the metamorphic version of serpentine. Maybe, like jade, wisdom of abuse is actually a gemstone. Maybe, all the pressure and heat, and the metamorphisizing (which symbolizes the process of discovery and acceptance of reality) really creates a valuable end product.
Jade is incredibly hard. Reality is hard. But it is still beautiful and valuable.
In fact, I think that the quality of wisdom is often attributed to jade.
Thanks again for saying I am not jaded!
Maybe, lol, the wisdom found from surviving abuse is jade, not jaded.

I never check an order before i leave the retaurant!

And azkevin...well put!

Oh Sunsets! You are not the only one! I too, have made the life or death mistake of not checking the order! And I am also an idiot! A dumbass! Why am I so stupid! I know right? ;) I also once forgot to call in the order for chinese before I left work. I figured I'd do it when I got home, OH MY GOODNESS. You would have thought there was a national emergency. I was the absolute dumbest person on the planet for doing this! What was I thinking! Didn't I know he was starving! I am so sorry. He's doing what every abuser does. And then they are sorry. Very sorry, but next time you make a mistake you will be so STUPID again and then he will be sorry.
Sometimes, I get the wrong take out order and you know what? I either eat it, scrape off the mayo or what not and deal with it, because in the scheme of things, really not that big a deal. Normal people don't react the way your boyfriend does.

Lots of insight given here. The way the story changes is whatever way works for them to get what they want. It's all about control. It's never about what's really right or wrong or reasonable. Thus, you can never win. They change their story in order to always win.

And of course normal people don't react like this. Normal people realize that mistakes happen and they get over it.

It was so insane, not only had I just gotten off work when he had been lounging around the house all day (I work weekends), which he will tell me is my fault because I don't have a normal job... I mean the list goes on... but I told him i was sorry, and was willing to drive back up to the restaurant to fix it and he just wouldnt hear it. He ended up eating my food and the salad was thrown away. It was so embarrassing because I called up to the restaurant the next morning and got them to refund the salad, at his order and the manager was so kind and was saying how it still doesnt make up for the wrong order, and I was sitting there thinking, who give two sh**s about a salad being slightly incorrectly made, he would NEVER get mad at a server who did that, or call them stupid, worthless, etc. I told the manager thank you, and I personally didnt care but my boyfriends night was ruined lol. All he said was "thanks!" after I let him know it would be refunded and I just said whatever and he said no, im serious, I really appreciate you did that... like it was some test or something. I am not who I used to be. When we first started dating I noticed little idiosyncrasies about him, and beliefs he held that were sooo far off from how I lived my life and treated other and situations. I fear that is why I am not the happy, motivated person I used to be. I cant blame him, but I cant find any other difference in my life now than how it was back then

Do yourself a big favor and don't give him any more information concerning emotional abuse. He will use it against you. I promise. Mine did. After showing him some information, I let him know my weaknesses and as a result, he learned the lingo and turned it around on me and accused me of doing what he had actually been doing. I so regret trying to enlighten him.
An abusers apologies and seeming shame are just ploys to play on your sympathy. Don't fall for it. I think your realizing it won't get better is actually a step in the right direction. Now just stop listening and believing him when he insults and criticizes you.

OMG learned, that is just what mine did. And when he accused me of having a drinking problem, then he read everything on alcoholism and codependence and used all of that against me too.

Even now, I have had to learn the hard way that I cannot share with him any concerns I have about our children's well-being. If I let him know I'm concerned about something, then he will take that and use it against me. He'll do stuff to interfere with my efforts to help the kids and will try to prove that whatever I was concerned about is not a problem at HIS house, etc. The kids do have some significant issues, but he claims it's just ME and I'm making stuff up. It's pathetic b/c it's the kids who suffer. But he'll deny the kids need any help rather than admit there are any problems. Why? Power. The kids are his only way to get at me right now, and so he uses them. Sad.

Absolutely, do NOT give him any info on abuse. If he wasn't doing something that he learns about, he'll start. All you will do is teach him how to abuse you more effectively, and more clandestinely.

In CT when you get a divorce you have to go to 6 hrs of parenting classes. They teach you how to talk in "I" sentences, so you are not accusing your ex. Like you say, I feel angry when you don''t back me up with the kids, it is hurtful...

I told the dr (who happened to be my son's therapist) that that works for normal people, who don't want to hurt the other person. But that if I say something like that to my ex, he will say, "Oh, GOOD, I'll do it MORE."

You have to begin to have thoughts he knows nothing about, begin to make plans that don't include him. Even if it's way into the future, do it. Imagine life without that abuse....You will be leaning into the life you want. And you'll get there...