Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
It's been almost two years since I have posted here. I suppose I resounded to the fact that I had chosen a life with him and I would do all I could to make it work, bend and mold my life, avoid my family so I wouldn't have to lie about seeing him again.
And here I am two years later, still battling for a better life.
In the past two years, we had good times, but ALOT of bad times.
He pushed me on our vacation in June, kicked two dents in my car 6months apart. When I saw the first dent with his muddy boot print still fresh, I said it was over. My parents begged me to end it, shaking their heads in disbelief that their once vibrant and strong daughter was looking back at them with broken eyes defending him. "He was drunk and upset" I felt sorry for him. The second dent came 6 months later again in a drunken rage bc a guy friend from childhood wrote me on Facebook. He screamed crazy delusions at me about stealing his things for this person when he had lost his "shit" in my yard intoxicated. Again, I begged my family to understand that he was hurt and wounded and drunk, but he'd never hurt me.
This last Saturday, he showed up at my house, drunk but happy, ready to celebrate a big contract he had signed with a client that day. He wanted to go out. He never wanted to go out because I never "paid any attention to him" when we went out and my friends were there. I reluctantly said yes, but with fear in my heart for the inevitable drama.
Upon arriving To the local watering hole. (We live in a very small town and everybody knows everybody) I see alot of old friends from high school there. I was excited to see some of my friends bc I never go out anymore to appease him. So I start chatting it up with a very old and wonderful friend who also happens to be an extremely flamboyant gay man and I can see my boyfriend getting angrier and angrier and sulking. And I could feel the wave of anxiety coming. I knew the inevitable was about happen. At this point, my gay friend says to my bf, "why don't you join our conversation?" His reply was a snarling, "why the fuck do you care"
He looked at me and said he was leaving me there bc I obviously "didn't give a shit whether he was there or not" and I tried to reason where reason cannot be found, saying, "if you want to go, we can go" he said no, that I could stay there. About 5 min later, I was there alone, stranded with no ride home.
I was so angry, I thought let him go. What can I do?
In the morning, I had 118 text messages and 5 voicemails, alternating between a barrage of hateful slurs, "whore, slut, I hate you, have fun fucking people". One of which said, " I will bury you".
He showed up later that morning to get his things and tell me he was "done with my shit" slamming the door on the way out, screaming "fuck you slut".
I decided that moment it had to be over. This was IT. It had to be. And has to be. It WILL NEVER change. I can not have a life with this person, no matter what I do.
That was one week ago and the pain just gets worse.
He said I never loved him, never "gave a shit". The sting of those words kills me. That's what always gets me. Like there's always that glimmer of hope that if I could just do things differently or better. He would finally see that I loved him, but it isn't about me and I should know that by now. NO MATTER what I do, it will NEVER be ENOUGH. NEVER. And I need to just let it go and move on with my life. I deserve to be happy.
Even though, I know all these things, it doesn't help the pain. I still miss him. I wish to god I didn't. The great nights were great. So tonight I will cry myself to sleep mourning a dream life that i must realize, is just that, a dream, and will never be.
And here I am two years later, still battling for a better life.
In the past two years, we had good times, but ALOT of bad times.
He pushed me on our vacation in June, kicked two dents in my car 6months apart. When I saw the first dent with his muddy boot print still fresh, I said it was over. My parents begged me to end it, shaking their heads in disbelief that their once vibrant and strong daughter was looking back at them with broken eyes defending him. "He was drunk and upset" I felt sorry for him. The second dent came 6 months later again in a drunken rage bc a guy friend from childhood wrote me on Facebook. He screamed crazy delusions at me about stealing his things for this person when he had lost his "shit" in my yard intoxicated. Again, I begged my family to understand that he was hurt and wounded and drunk, but he'd never hurt me.
This last Saturday, he showed up at my house, drunk but happy, ready to celebrate a big contract he had signed with a client that day. He wanted to go out. He never wanted to go out because I never "paid any attention to him" when we went out and my friends were there. I reluctantly said yes, but with fear in my heart for the inevitable drama.
Upon arriving To the local watering hole. (We live in a very small town and everybody knows everybody) I see alot of old friends from high school there. I was excited to see some of my friends bc I never go out anymore to appease him. So I start chatting it up with a very old and wonderful friend who also happens to be an extremely flamboyant gay man and I can see my boyfriend getting angrier and angrier and sulking. And I could feel the wave of anxiety coming. I knew the inevitable was about happen. At this point, my gay friend says to my bf, "why don't you join our conversation?" His reply was a snarling, "why the fuck do you care"
He looked at me and said he was leaving me there bc I obviously "didn't give a shit whether he was there or not" and I tried to reason where reason cannot be found, saying, "if you want to go, we can go" he said no, that I could stay there. About 5 min later, I was there alone, stranded with no ride home.
I was so angry, I thought let him go. What can I do?
In the morning, I had 118 text messages and 5 voicemails, alternating between a barrage of hateful slurs, "whore, slut, I hate you, have fun fucking people". One of which said, " I will bury you".
He showed up later that morning to get his things and tell me he was "done with my shit" slamming the door on the way out, screaming "fuck you slut".
I decided that moment it had to be over. This was IT. It had to be. And has to be. It WILL NEVER change. I can not have a life with this person, no matter what I do.
That was one week ago and the pain just gets worse.
He said I never loved him, never "gave a shit". The sting of those words kills me. That's what always gets me. Like there's always that glimmer of hope that if I could just do things differently or better. He would finally see that I loved him, but it isn't about me and I should know that by now. NO MATTER what I do, it will NEVER be ENOUGH. NEVER. And I need to just let it go and move on with my life. I deserve to be happy.
Even though, I know all these things, it doesn't help the pain. I still miss him. I wish to god I didn't. The great nights were great. So tonight I will cry myself to sleep mourning a dream life that i must realize, is just that, a dream, and will never be.
You are on the right track when you write it will never be enough. never. trust your gut and your instinct. The excessive contacts to you and the terrible words spoken to you, no one deserves.
You do deserve to be happy. If he has walked away, consider that a blessing to you and go no contact.
Keeping you in my prayers, take good care
He always had this way of minimalizing these episodes every time and somehow I'm the one that feels bad. He'll text something like,"sorry you think I'm so awful and crazy" . Then I'm left feeling like I'm the crazy one, thinking, "maybe it wasn't THAT bad"
Many of us who are with abusers are very empathetic people- to the point we put others well being above our own. If you are acting this way to your new born infant, great! But being overly empathetic to an abuser tricks you into believing that a. You did something to trigger their abuse and b. You can do something to make it better. Both false. These types of men will find any reason to lash out, even acting the fool for being jealous of a gay friend. And b. If a man who is abusive, who has a sense of entitlement and superiority over the people, especially the woman, in his life, then it will take years of truly dedicated group therapy aimed at abusers to change these deeply held beliefs. No one deserves to be that guys physical and emotional punching bag while he goes through the process of change. Which I may add, Has a very very low success rate.
But, I know what I have to do, the problem is always sticking with it. I always let him come back. Last night, he starting texting me again, first apologizing then saying "I do love you. Your the one who 'doesn't need anyone' and you've proven it many times" . I was SO mad I could have thrown up. HE IS COMPLETELY trying to blame me for his psychotic jealous rage and in the same sentence saying he loves me. I could feel my insides turning, internalizing , "maybe he's right". But I have to remember what we are talking about here. Me wanting to have a conversation is in no way related to me not loving him.
you're experiencing.
I have to tell you that
a predator who tells
you that he will BURY
you, has shared with
you that he is a potential
KILLER.
There are multiple
strategies to break
an addictive attachment
to a dangerous abuser.
One is to get therapy
with a qualified counselor.
This may be long-term
therapy, since breaking
these attachments can
be extremely difficult.
Here:
(804) 377-0335
is the number for
your state's
women's resources.
Give them a call.
They may be able
to help you.
A second is to do my
Clarifying Index Card
exercise. When I finish
this post, I'll bump it for
you.
Third, SELF-CARE.
SELF-CARE CONSTANTLY.
The consistent and
meticulous practice
of self-care
reminds you of the
importance of
your precious,
irreplaceable
life.
Fourth, connect
with friends and
anyone who can
support your
NOT reconnecting
with him.
Fifth, document
EVERYTHING.
If (more accurately
WHEN) he continues
to stalk and harrass
you, go to the police
and get a
RESTRAINING ORDER.
Let them know that
he THREATENED
YOUR LIFE.
Please take good care!
My family wants me to just move on and forget it and not discuss it anymore, but what they don't understand is, if I don't constantly remind myself of the horror, he will try and slip back in when I've forgotten just how bad he could be.
And @startinanew, at least we know we are not alone. I can feel the pain in your words. We need to find the strength together. I don't know if yours makes empty promises about quitting his addiction, but mine has for years, always baiting me with that glimmer of hope for change. He won't. They never do.
well-meaning ----
not family, not
friends, not even
a therapist -----
can tell you when
to move on, when
to forget, when to
not talk about
something that
happened to you.
Sometimes when
people try and convince
you of one of these
bad pieces of advice,
they do it with your good
in mind. Sometimes they
do it with their own good
in mind.
Even when they think
that their advice is for
"your own good,"
it's NOT good for you.
It's YOUR'S to decide
when to do all these
things.
Take good care.
it's not. Only Y
missed in the
editing ]]]]]]]]
In other words it is a complete impossibility for you or anyone else to EVER be able to meet his requirements for affection/love/attention. He is simply incapable of ever feeling like his affection is being reciprocated by anyone. This of course means that his angry/violent outbursts will not go away.
You are better off without him. With time away from him and no contact with him you will start to feel better and see things for how bad they really were with him.