Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I went to my therapist today and she told me something profound. She said we all have antagonists and protagonists in our life to shake us up and have us realize something about ourselves.
I consider myself a pacifist and hate argumentation to the point that I often apologize for things that are not my fault. But I have a breaking point where if you push me too much, I cannot take it. I'm not docile.
And she said the reason I keep blaming myself based off those two incidents before it broke was because those two incidents is when I changed my script. Throughout the relationship I was apologizing and being the water and giving up parts of myself so he could love me and not be angry and not hold the relationship or my character hostage. It was my script.
Those last two days, I changed my script. I chose to text him that his words were hurtful, and when I did not get a response I waited for a call. Every fiber of my being wanted to pick up the phone and call him and apologize and bounce back and start over but I didn't. And when he did call he called to yell at me for ignoring him and called me names, and completely blew off the fact that he was rude and would say "you're still stuck on that? HOW DID I DISRESPECT YOU? You're so emotional and the entire day you were feeling sorry for yourself instead of thinking how I must be feeling that we haven't talked, but you chose to be stubborn and selfish." He said he always calls me after a disagreement, but when the time for me came I didn't and he said "shows how much you care. I'm a fool for caring too much, things will change now." Which is true--he DID always call. But never, not once, did I disrespect him or call him names or raise my voice. He did. And when he called back it was not to check up on me, it was a hook to keep me interested in him.
Those last two days, I changed my script. I wasn't apologetic. And he blew up. I took a stand, respectfully. He blew up. I was not going to let him persuade me into thinking my taste in dressing up is wrong, or my family is wrong, or my opinions are wrong. He blew up.
I keep blaming myself bc I changed my script.
It's not about the outfits that I broke this--it was his reaction in how I decided to respect myself and create boundaries and not reward him for his childish behavior.
But my therapist kept saying: it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. You did what your instinct told you, and we have instincts for a reason: survival. You did what you needed to.
It's not your fault.
I consider myself a pacifist and hate argumentation to the point that I often apologize for things that are not my fault. But I have a breaking point where if you push me too much, I cannot take it. I'm not docile.
And she said the reason I keep blaming myself based off those two incidents before it broke was because those two incidents is when I changed my script. Throughout the relationship I was apologizing and being the water and giving up parts of myself so he could love me and not be angry and not hold the relationship or my character hostage. It was my script.
Those last two days, I changed my script. I chose to text him that his words were hurtful, and when I did not get a response I waited for a call. Every fiber of my being wanted to pick up the phone and call him and apologize and bounce back and start over but I didn't. And when he did call he called to yell at me for ignoring him and called me names, and completely blew off the fact that he was rude and would say "you're still stuck on that? HOW DID I DISRESPECT YOU? You're so emotional and the entire day you were feeling sorry for yourself instead of thinking how I must be feeling that we haven't talked, but you chose to be stubborn and selfish." He said he always calls me after a disagreement, but when the time for me came I didn't and he said "shows how much you care. I'm a fool for caring too much, things will change now." Which is true--he DID always call. But never, not once, did I disrespect him or call him names or raise my voice. He did. And when he called back it was not to check up on me, it was a hook to keep me interested in him.
Those last two days, I changed my script. I wasn't apologetic. And he blew up. I took a stand, respectfully. He blew up. I was not going to let him persuade me into thinking my taste in dressing up is wrong, or my family is wrong, or my opinions are wrong. He blew up.
I keep blaming myself bc I changed my script.
It's not about the outfits that I broke this--it was his reaction in how I decided to respect myself and create boundaries and not reward him for his childish behavior.
But my therapist kept saying: it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. You did what your instinct told you, and we have instincts for a reason: survival. You did what you needed to.
It's not your fault.
Now you can have doubts, now you can be free and see his words in the right perspective with the help of an objective person.
"Can you take the meat out of the bones for me and make my fajitas? My mom does that for me."
"You need to go to hooka with me to prove you're not stubborn or selfish. It's not even about the hooka...why can't you understand that?"
"Yeah for your MA, I want 5 kids so when are you going to have time for that? And who do you expect to pay for that?"
"I don't want you to think that if I lose my job or if you make more money than me that you'll think you don't need me anymore" (why we had a joint account and he was not comfortable with me working unless it was in his business)
"Some guys like perfect houses, some like good food every day, what I expect in my wife is just for her to dress how I like it. If it means I'll take you shopping for a more graceful wardrobe, so be it." (Well, now that I realize it, his mother was to live with us and she helped cooked and cleaned so he was already getting the whole package)
I could go on.
That's SSSOOOOOOOO great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE your therapist.
What a great guide
you have, in the
work you're doing.
AWESOME JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sidi--I don't know if you're familiar with Greek mythology but there is a story of this Greek God, Sisyphus, who would struggle to push a large boulder up a mountain every day, only to have it come rolling down again every dawn.
I think there would have always been an uphill battle of trying to constantly prove my loyalty, prove my love, giving up pieces of myself, until I would be a shadow of my former self and just a limb of his.
His insecurity and control was so deep that the moreI gave of myself, the more he wanted. Shifting ggoalposts, a never-ending battle of pushing the boulder up to no end.
living with a guy in
college and going
to the counseling
department there
which was available
to students, the
therapist there
gave me a great
analogy, that fits
here (in addition
to Sisyphus).
He said, think of
the relationship
(that I was in), as
a bicycle tire with
a hole that was
resulting in the
air to slowly, but
constantly, leak
out. You can
pump it up daily,
which will keep
you on the road.
But every day, the
tiny hole will
inevitably, become
larger. One day,
pumping more
air in won't be
enough to keep
the bike riding on
a bum tire.
Mine told me - "There is a process you have to go through with yourself"" instead of calling it ""growing up"" which is natural because we have a 30.5 years difference.