Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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idiotstampedonmy 04/27/2017

So my husband & I are divorcing because of how he interacts with my 13yo daughter. I'd like to hear honest opinions about this subject if you will please?

When my daughter was 11yo my husband started doing weird things with her. He started talking to her about adult issues. He told her he would divorce me but I would take the girls and he'd never get to see them again. I was noticing how she was turning into a little sneak, she was lying like crazy. and SHE became very manipulative...it felt like over a very short period of time shewas consistently bucking me. (I thought there MUST be something bothering her like trouble at school. She would tell me if I wouldn't buy her something she asked for.. all she had to do is bat her puppy dog eyes at Daddy and he would buy it for her. (she said this kind of thing to me a lot.) I was trying to figure out what is going on with her. I would tell my husband how manipulative she was acting & we need to get on top of this before she becomes the rebellious teen. Well, he would say things like...oh she didn't say that, you are lying. I'm thinking wtf? why would he think I would lie to get my kid in trouble? (I wouldn't EVER) But, as time went on whenever she got mad at him she started telling ME things he was doing & sharing with her. All about me being such an awful mother & he will save her from me. And he's going to divorce me and keep the house & I am going to have to move out. oh...and they're planning vacations. When I would discipline her like taking her phone for a week. He would just sneak her our extra phone. He'd say don't let mom find out. They strategize at bedtime, I guess. He spends a minimum of 20 minutes up to 40 minutes at bedtime in her room. (I go in there alot of times & he'll say well we are going to talk until you leave. Sick crap like this. I'd say...well...we are gonna be up all night then.

*I* didn't know anything about him divorcing me for 2 years. She didn't start telling me things for about 2 years. We weren't fighting about anything except this one daughter. We have 2 daughters together (now 12 & 13yo) He never asked me for a divorce. My daughter is the one who told me he Dad & I were getting a divorce. That's the conversation that clued me in to what was going on here. He denied saying these things to my daughter. ( months later in a ranting he admitted it)

But, I KNEW HE was lying from the start...she wouldn't have been talking like that if he hadn't been discussing it w/her.

He only does this with the 13yo. He treats her like she's the only person in the house. I can't even ask her a question without him popping up with the answer before she even says anything. I'm divorcing him because he won't stop his sick behavior. I can't seem to make him stop. He won't go tell a Counselor what he's doing... he doesn't need counseling..(he says)

I say he has groomed her to be this sneaky little liar. which she is doing a lot of. (at school & at home) Anything goes as long as you don't let Mom find out... ughhhh.... He says he is not doing anything wrong. AND he can do or say anything he wants to his kids. But, I really want to hear what you think about his behavior.

We ARE in the middle of a divorce but still live in the same house so far. I'm on my toes trying to interrupt his behavior. I'm soooo hoping the judge will stop this crap. I think he's ruining her. SHE LOVES IT! Coz she knows she's getting to do whatever she wants coz her Dad says she can.

I've raised 8 kids prior to these two and I've never remotely run into this kind of problem. Definitely nothing that couldn't be fixed. It's maddening!

Smallbee 04/27/2017

I agree that something is wrong. Although teenagers do generally test their parents around age 12/13, it can also easily be a time when teenagers learn that when they do the right thing, they can be trusted. Your daughter's lying may not necessarily be completely from your husband's manipulation. Sometimes teenagers lie because they seek parental approval and do not want to lose that approval when they make mistakes. Perhaps you could talk to both of your daughters at the same time and tell them that from this point forward that you have their trust, then outline exactly what will break your trust. Ex: breaking curfew, not doing chores, lying, being disrespectful, and hiding facts that their dad tells them to hide. Tell them that you can have a healthier relationship when everything is out in the open and that they can have more privileges (like sleep overs, or an allowance) when the truth is the only thing being told. Ask them if they have anything to admit - don't react negatively whatever they say, and thank them for their honesty. Positivity is key.

As for the manipulation from your husband, it seems best not to tell him that he is manipulative, but show your daughters that you love them equally. Perhaps at bedtime, before he has a chance to talk to your daughters offer to teach your daughter's a bedtime routine for their hair, or do face masks together, test beauty products together. Female bonding. When your daughters see that you can spend that 30-40 minutes with them too, the behaviors like using one parent against the other will likely stop.

idiotstampedonmy 04/27/2017

It's very interesting to make that you assumed I don't do things with my daughters. I'm wondering how you derived that from my post. I spend a lot of quality time with both. We shop, do zits. talk about boys, bullying, dreams, embarrassing stuff...we are quite open with each other. (EXCEPT for the SECRETS he tells my 13yo not to tell) MY husband only chooses the one daughter and he spends his time with her AFTER bedtime. MY time is appropriately NOT after bedtime. (That would kinda be going against the rules... I mean obviously they've got plenty of time BEFORE bedtime to bond if that's what they're doing. Why can't he do it it the open like I do?)
It strikes me that you didn't have an issue at all with him discussing divorcing her mother, sneaking lying & hiding things from her mother. Dad telling her "I don't know why your mother hates you." And when is it ok for a dad to tell a daughter he's going to divorce her mother..But, don't say anything... keep those secrets. How heavy is that for a kid to carry?
I'm just floored. But, that's fine. I wanted and still want to hear other parents' opinions. I'm just shocked that anyone would think what he's doing is even remotely ok.
I have always been 100% convinced when the judge hears even 1/2 of what he's done or said that he will put a stop to it. Or at least order him to stop. I seriously don't believe it'll ever end coz I think he's sick.. Thanks for taking the time to write me. I appreciate it.

pinkunicorn 05/03/2017

This isn't exactly another parent's opinion, but I have some perspective. Before my parents divorced, my father spoke very ill of my mother so that I would side with him in the divorce. There is obviously a lot that I don't know about your situation, but it sounds like that might be what he is trying to do. As for why he is only doing this with one daughter and not both, it sounds like obvious favortism.

Flower03 05/05/2017

sorry you are going through this, it's not an easy situation. I really hope that you find some peace after the divorce. I would suggest counseling for you and your daughter to deal with the poisonous influence around her relationship with her dad and her mom.
why he chose the 13 yo well....why does a man choose a certain woman to rape. I guess its preference of looks, personality could be anything actually. other parents opinions are just that opinions and you should not base your following actions on what people say here. I hope you have made up your mind because lady....YOU ARE NOT CRAZY....you know your kids and you know your husband. Godspeed

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