I need to think this through; this is a predicament I hoped I wouldn't have at such an advanced age. Denny's verbally abusive tirades are getting much worse, longer, closer together. He goes over lines he didn't cross when were were young and things were so bad. “Cunt”, “whore”, “stupid bitch”, “fat ass”, “fat gut” were some of the lovely names he shouted in my face in the car last night. He said I sucked my friends 'titties' and said they all hated me and were just using me. He called P--- names, D--- names, and, of course,C---. P--- and D---  were the only friends he let me have, in peace, before; my only social outlet without his ripping into me a few days later whenever I socialized with them. Now that outlet is gone to me, too. He said my sons hated me and that Michael called me a fucking bitch behind my back and William does to my face (which is true; a chip off the old block-monkey see monkey do). So he's driving a wedge between me and the boys, too. So here are my choices, such as they are:

Stay:

Pros:

I get to stay in my house which I love. I get to have my garden and berry plants. I get to have my craft room and all my stuff. I have a choice of retiring next year and keeping my standard of living. I get to travel, eat out, and enjoy Denny's company when he's feeling generous toward me.

Cons: I get verbally abused more and more frequently, for longer and with far more viciousness. I will have to curtail contact with my friends more and more for fear of the verbal abuse and will become more and more isolated at a time in life when people with a good social network are healthier and live longer. I will live with anxiety curling in my gut all the time and trying to keep Denny happy and attended to so he will not lose his temper. I will be constantly second guessing his wants, the same as I always have, and trying to do what he wants, watch TV when he wants and the shows he likes, pussy footing around and getting grumpy from stuffing my feelings down all the time. I will never feel free to be myself (hell, if I can even remember who I am and what I'm like).

Leave:

Pros: I get to live my life the way I want. I can eat when I want and what I want, nap without feeling guilty, go see friends and relatives and have them come and see me whenever I like, do what I want to do when I want to do it without feeling guilty or anxious; waiting for the hammer to drop. I'll get to have people come to my house (if I have one) and open my door for relatives without worrying and listening to the recriminations.

Cons: It's scary. I'm old. I haven't been on my own for 33 years. I don't have enough resources. I have no where to go and no one to help me. How do I move my stuff? And to where? I don't have enough money to make a go of it. Denny will make my life a living hell. He will try to make sure he gets everything-all the money, the house, the contents. He will try to saddle me with all the bills he can. He'll saddle me with Michael's car payment, because he was having one of his anger fits the day we had to sign and wouldn't go. So I had to sign. So I would have that bill and my Prius bill and half of my income would go to car payments. I'd have to live in a cheap hole-in-the-wall and not have enough for food and gas. He's told me so many times he would burn the house down rather than see me get a penny out of it, and cash in our investments, (which, of course, are all in his name) and run away with it all so I would be as destitute as possible starting over. I would not get to retire. Probably not until I drop dead, because I spent so many years as a housewife and have no savings separate from our family savings. I would live like a pauper in cheap housing and never get to travel or buy nice things.

Suicide:

Pros: It's over. No more anxiety and pain.

Cons: It's over. No chance for a happy ending. But probably the best solution.