Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi all! I've been away for a while...probably 8 months now. I was let go from my job last September and was finally in a position where I could prevent my ex from contacting me i.e. I had changed my phone number and personal email addresses, but he could always get me at work and knew where I lived (not stalking or harassing really...just once and a while despite my repeated requests to leave me alone so I could move on). The last time I spoke to him, I told him I was let go and would be moving away soon (for work), so I assume he believed me because short of a text he sent my mother (wishing her a merry xmas, which I asked her to ignore) I haven't heard from him since. He is now in a new relationship (of course) with the women he was having an emotional affair with while we were still together (he called themselves the bad marriage buddies). The last time I spoke with him he told me that she left her husband when she found out he was cheating on her. He said she was the last to know and that he and all their friends already knew and he laughed about it (yuck). Anyway, I'm of course struggling with the thoughts that maybe it will work for them, maybe I was the real problem, maybe I started it all by being emotionally abusive first and he was just reacting to me. Maybe I'm the emotionally unavailable, self absorbed narc etc. In my heart I believe this isn't true, but what if I'm wrong? What if I'm as lost and out of touch with my real emotions and behaviours as all the partners/family members etc. that we describe on here? I made mistakes, I said things wrong, did things wrong, things I wish I could take back if only just to live with myself. What is the fine line between accountability self doubt/blame? Don't get me wrong, I remember what he did to me and why it wasn't okay, but what I can't shake is my flaws and failures in the whole situation and wondering if I had done things differently my marriage may have worked out. Sorry this is long, but any thoughts by anyone who can relate would be helpful. Also, how can I stop obsessing about this? I feel I've let go of the "dream", but it still occupies my thoughts. I'm so sick of not being able to let it go...although some days are better than others, of course. Thanks in advance to anyone who replies.
I'll tell you what my therapist told me.
First: Of course you think that, because he WANTS you to think that. Abusers are so skilled at finding your vulnerabilities and any contact with him at all will open you right up to being sucked into his upside-down world view where he is the victim and you are the evil aggressor, even if that is totally ridiculous. But they have ways of making you doubt yourself that are crazy effective. Don't beat yourself up for slipping a little.
Second: Look, nobody is perfect. In every relationship there is 'he said, she said' and it's not always one person is a saint and one person is a monster. We know that. But if you can look objectively at the facts around your situation, the facts will tell you that your story holds more truth than his. For instance just from the little you said in this post I know that he had an emotional affair while he was still married to you, damaged the heck out of your marriage, laughed at his current gf's pain when she found out her husband was cheating on her, and currently (whether you label it this or not) he is stalking you. Normally people do not have to jump through hoops to prevent their exes from contacting them. Normal people do not repeatedly contact their ex, because the relationship is over. Normal people would respect their ex's wishes if she said, "don't call me."
It's clear he is the unstable and disrespectful factor in this relationship. So you can take a deep breath and just put him in his place, out of your life, and get on with living yours. Remind yourself of all the things that have gone right in your life since getting rid of him, all the ways in which your life is better. Remind yourself of successes you have at work or in your hobbies or with your friends. Keep doing that as needed until you can begin to relax knowing that you were not the problem. You can be proud of yourself for getting free and building a new, happy life.
tulip posted. Good
stuff.
Second:
""""""""""""""""but he could always get me at work and knew where I lived (not stalking or harassing really...just once and a while despite my repeated requests to leave me alone so I could move on)."""""""""""""""""""
Hon. . . . . . what you described
in that sentence IS
stalking and harassing.
Third, you've taken good steps.
Going forward, I strongly urge
you, at your first opportunity,
to find and work with a
qualified therapist.
It's helped many of
us and might be of
value to your recovery.
Also, if you haven't before,
please consider doing my
Clarifying Index Card exercise.
I'll bump it after I post this.
It may help you see more
clearly his contributions
to the relationship, and
his pervasive attitude
towards you along
with his dysfunctional
behavioral patterns in
the relationship.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
steps that move
you on your journey
to recovery, with each
new day.