Where to begin?...
We were together for 4 years. I left a marriage for him. It was difficult. Beyond difficult. I didnt know how to deal with things and there were many times he couldnt come to family functions in the beginning, nights he spent alone that I agonized over. It was horrible and the guilt I felt on both sides was unbearable.

He was angry. I understood that. Anyone would have been. But I found myself making excuses. He worked nights. He couldnt see me as often as he wanted. It wasnt a normal relationship. All things I felt would make a person angry. Angry enough to act disgusted. Angry enough to slam his phone on the floor, angry enough to throw a piece of pizza at me, angry enough to scream and shout and slam fists against the wall. Angry enough to call me a whore for leaving a marriage.

His anger frightened me, yet I left my marriage. Leaving would make him happy I was sure. I worked for my ass of to make enough money and went through hell with family and friends but left my husband, and rented my own little house so we could spend every night together. But.. Sigh.. it wasnt enough. I couldnt talk to my friends anymore. That made me a whore again. I could go suck their dicks if I sided with anyone besides him. We went out dancing one night and he accused me of dancing with a guy that came up behind me. He grabbed me by the arm and called me a whore. He said he was leaving me there, at a bar an hour from home. Again, I blamed myself. My past had created this jealousy within the man I loved. One night I called the police because things got out of hand. He smashed a glass bowl in front of me cutting my feet. I left for a while and when I came back, there was a physical altercation. I ended up leaving his house at 4 am and walking home in 10 degree weather so he wouldnt get arrested. There are countless nights of alcoholic fueled rage and toxic fights. So many I cant even count or recollect. I knew everything had been hard on him so again, I made excuses. I loved him and I had hurt him, so I let it all slide. I felt like I had just as much a part in the toxicity as him.

We broke up briefly because he was sick of my shit and my mouth and told me to go fuck other ppl. I was stupid and drunk the night he left, reeling from pain. Grasping for anyone to show me any once of love, I texted an old flame and asked him to come over, test out my sheets. It was dumb. And I told him never mind. I was drunk and craving attention. I knew this and nothing came of it, but Ill never forgive myself for it.

My Bf and I got back together about a week later. About a month later he went through my phone and found the messages. It was devastating. We broke up again for a while, only to get back together again, as unhealthy as it may have been. One night he came out with my brother and I to a local bar and drank entirely too much. He walked outside and again said he was leaving me. I begged him to just go home with me. Some guys in the parking lot heard him yelling at me and came over to interject, at which point my bf in his confusion accused me of fucking and siding with these guys. He sped out of the parking lot backing into a telephone pole. My brother brought me home, only to find him waiting at me house. He was crying and begging my brother for forgiveness but had nothing to say to me. I begged him to come inside but he refused. In the morning, the front fender of my car was kicked in. Once again, I let it go because of how he insisted I had hurt him. Badly.

After that, we decided to both give our relationship ALL we had. EVERYTHING. Things were better for a while. This past summer, I begged my family to let him come on our family beach vacation. My mom protested incessantly. She did not want any drama. I knew there would not be and to my surprise there was not. It was Fabulous, everything I ever wanted; The man I knew he was and could be. He was loving and attentive and wonderful. It was a dream come true. The week we came home we had dinner at my parents. Again. Everything I ever wanted, but it was not to be.

A few weeks later, I got a Facebook message from a lifelong guy friend who also goes to my gym. He asked me where I had been since he hadnt seen me in a while. My bf was drunk and was there when the message popped up on my phone. He flipped. He was wasted and had lost his marijuana. He accused me of stealing it for my gym friend and called me a thief. It was crazy. He was screaming all kinds of profanities and slammed my door. The next morning, the other side of my car was kicked in.

My heart sunk and broke into a thousand pieces. Later that month he left me again while we were out. In the morning I had 118 text messages. Whore, Slut, ill bury you bitch. It was bad.
We broke it off again after that. 2 months of on off conversations. In the beginning, he was sorry, he would change.

Then everything changed. Soon it became all about my mistakes, What I had done to create his anger, how it was my fault. Everything he had ever done to me was because I was a shady, lying, whore. He didnt want to change anymore. He didnt want me anymore. He suddenly wanted nothing to do with me. He said, "NONE of this would have happened if you didn't cheat, lie, and act shady the whole time we were togther". I just don't get it.

As much as I knew this was for the best, I could not let go. I stalked his Facebook like a crazy person. I saw he was online constantly. I would message him and he would sporadically message me back. I knew he was talking to someone else, yet I felt I was being just as bad as him feeling this crazy jealousy. We talked about it and we both decided we were working on ourselves and not going to date other people. He swore he didnt want any girls in his life at that point and wasnt talking sweet to anyone, not even me. Yet things just continued to get out of hand. He was talking to girls online and my heart was breaking into a thousand pieces. I kept trying to have the discussion with him that if he wanted to move on then he just needed to tell me so I could get on with my life. I felt like I was in limbo but every time I tried to talk to him about it, he would get nastily angry and insisted that I stop giving him ultimatums. I started to feel like I was going crazy. I couldnt move on bc I felt guilty yet I couldnt be with him either. My ex made the point that this is what I had done to him the entire time we were together, thus his behavior was justified. I believed him. Maybe he was right?

Then 19 days ago it all came to a breaking point. He hadnt spoken to me over the weekend and I just knew he had been on a date and spent all of that Sunday with another girl. I left him alone all weekend and on Monday, he asked me why I hadnt texted him. I told him I was trying to give him his space but asked him how his weekend had been and if he had gone out with someone. He said he had gone out with friends but not on a date. That night I LOST it. Im not proud of my actions. Im downright ashamed. I used his Facebook password and looked at his messages. It was Days and Days of messages to one girl. One after the other of cute, loving messages about their date and the fun they were having and how they were thinking about each other. He kept telling her how his "ex was so shady", All these things he told her I did which I did not. She was totally in agreement about how "shady" I am. I DIED. Literally DIED.

I told him to never talk to me again. That he was a liar. I am ashamed of all the things I said. He called me 11 times. I never answered bc I knew it was only to berate me for hacking his account, which I deserved. He messaged me to fuck off . At that point he blocked me on facebook and my phone and we have not spoken since.

My heart is broken.Why Do I even CARE??? I emailed him the next day that I only wanted to talk for closure and to apologize for looking at his messages. I just want some closure between us after everything we had been thru. He never responded. I tried again a week later because I just cant stand things to be so undone. Nothing. I had once told him I always needed closure in a break up and he said he prided himself on never talking to his exes again.

Is this some kind of final torture then? One last slap in my face? He wins I guess. Im the loser. I feel pathetic for contacting him at all. He's probably laughing at me. I feel pathetic that I even need closure from such a person but maybe its all my fault? I dont want to feel guilty anymore. I dont want to feel like it was ALL my fault. I made mistakes, most definitely, but it could not have been ALL me. I know this is a blessing in disguise not having any contact but at the same time, I am tortured how a person can just walk away with nothing more than fuck you. Thats it? Thats the end of 4 years? How can that be?
Maybe everything I did made him act the way he did? Maybe I deserve all of it? Still, Im only human and it hurts like hell. It hurts every day, ALL day and I dont know when it will end. Ive gone 10 days now without reaching out but every day seems worse than the last.