I'm so sorry for your pain. I have an issue with what we "deserve". You most certainly didn't "deserve" to be given up by your birth parents (whatever their reasons, good or bad, you didn't "deserve" it); you didn't "deserve" to be rejected by your adoptive family in whatever form that has taken. Nor do you "deserve" abuse.

I hope you do get your fairytale ending. The best way forward is to work on yourself and making sure that you value yourself above all. You are worth it. No matter what someone else who doesn't have your best interest at heart says.

He's not all you've got. You've got YOU.

I couldn't agree with Liv more. Joy comes from within. Spend some time caring for yourself, getting to know you...and loving yourself, enough that you don't allow in those who would hurt you, or cause you pain.

And....enough so that you let go of that word "deserve". We all deserve the best, we all deserve happy endings, and we all have to love ourselves enough to make ourselves strong enough to be proactive in getting these things.

Big hugs.

It's not unusual for people who've had more than their fair share of loss and rejection in life to have attachment issues. Sadly, though, it's this seeking of love and validation from others, rather than ourselves, that makes things worse. It lowers the self-esteem and can cause us to accept poor treatment or abuse from others, simply because we don't feel worthy of better...

You can put an end to this cycle by learning to nurture and love yourself. Therapy could help you along this path, and you might want to consider this.

Don't allow others to place a value on who you are or define your self-worth. Define this for yourself and learn to erect healthy boundaries. You deserve nothing less!

awww. I am where you are so there is only so much I can say. But i do feel the same way!! I feel really codependent. Rejection sucks. I will pray 4 u.....thats about all I have at this point. You do deserve better than an abuser. It jus takes a while to actually get to where we truly believe that in our hearts. Keep posting. This site is a lifesaver for me.

Thank you all so much. I try and focus on work and yoga and things that I do for myself to make me happy, but underneath there is still a deep longing for someone to reciprocate the love I so want to be able trust and give to another. I just feel like I've been trying to hide my full potential for fear of rejection. I've gone to therapy which has helped and am currently off of all psychiatric medicine which is where I need to be so maybe all this pain is coming from all the pain I've tried so hard to conceal or deny for my entire life. Thank you all again, really struggling today.

i used to think that it only hurts when he's gone. but i realize now it hurts more when he was here. the mental anguish was unbearable. he didn't get better over the years, i was "trained" to behave to his "requirements" so it felt like he was no longer abusing. Until the faitful day that i stepped out of "his" boundries. REALLY!? then i realize that he really was not well, i just was controlled...by another human being. Thats when the lightbulb went on...finally after all the beatings, abandonments, mental abuse, etc etc. I had a complete PTSD moment in front of my son (age26) he had never seen me shake, panic, and cry because my ex's truck broke down and i was terrified to call and tell him. that was it for me. my son took me in and continues to remind me that no one should ever live in that kind of fear...in any kind of fear. its not easy, but its worth it.