I am so sorry you're having to deal with this.

First, I want to say that what you're feeling - the ups & downs - feeling strong one day and weak the next - is perfectly normal. Sad but true. Please don't be hard on yourself for breaking NC. The good thing about breaking it is you can start right back in. :-) I found the more I started and broke it and started again, the longer I could go. The longer I went, the better and stronger I felt. But it is a process for most of us.

I think it is very important to honor our feelings, even when we're feeling sorry for ourselves. When I'm having a pity party for myself, I always ask me if I want whine with my cheese. ;-) That helps bring me out of the 'victim mode' and allows me to feel the sadness and the hurt underneath.

If we don't honor and feel our feelings, we won't heal.

A lot of times the abuse fogs up our memory and we doubt our memories. The ex used to say he thought we had a great marriage. I used to doubt myself and try and figure out what the heck I was missing and not remembering. I used to think I was the negative one and that I held all the grudges he accused me of. Turns out I wasn't misremembering.

Think about it...the abuser is always holding the ace in the hole. They are always manipulating, gaslighting, tearing us down, so why wouldn't they think the marriage was great? And why would we think it was anything but miserable and awful. But, we don't want to think that because then we'd have to admit the person who claims to love us doesn't treat us in a loving way and so we hang on to the times it appeared that they treated us well.

You are a strong woman but you don't have to beat yourself up for breaking NC. So forgive yourself and go right back to NC. Allow yourself time to mourn your loss - the loss of the dream of being loved & the loss of the fantasy of who you thought he was & who you wished he was, along w/all the other losses that go along with a breakup.

Sending you healing hugs...

I think the response form MyTrueColors can't be topped - so true and I can relate to every line.

I think I know what you mean when you say about sending a text like that knowing deep down you wouldn't have him back. If you are like me, it's the fear of being alone. It's the fear of not finding another who wants us in the same way. Because we have confused the dramas for passion. They aren't passion - they are rollercoasters that are we are better off evacuating.

Don't beat yourself up about breaking NC - just go straight back into it and look forward. Tomorrow is a new day, fresh restart x

Thank you both for yourthoughtful responses. Truly, they are healing words to me. I am going to do exactly as you suggest and being NC again. This time with the desire to go longer. The longer I go, the stronger I become. This I know is true.

NC 1 hour and 9 minutes...

I blocked his number as well as all his back up skpye numbers as well. I can't even call him unless I log into Verizon and remove the block. Maybe this will help. Knowing that when I go home tongiht I won't be hearing from him. It is just so very sad and lonely at night. My son comes in on Sunday and I am looking forward to that. Lots to do to get ready for it, too.

Hey look at that
NC 1 hour, 11 minutes ;)

I know exactly what you mean. Imagine being in a healthy relationship and there is none of the pain of abuse. The sooner this man is out of your system the more ready you will be for a better relationship. That's what I am holding onto.

Blocking is a good practical way. Soon it will be NC 2 hours and to freedom.x

Thank you for responding. It is so comforting to know that someone is listening. I made it home and I am practicing self care this evening. I don't know why the emotions are running so high some days and other days I feel strong. I think that is the cycle of recovery. Good days and bad days. Good minutes and bad minutes. Until one day the good outweighs the bad and so on.

2 hours and 38 minutes - this one is going to stick. I just feel it.

My goal is to go at least 42 days. I read somewhere that it takes at least six to eight weeks to get out of the fog. I figure that will give me something to tell myself when he starts emailing. I can say to myself... Shannon, if you really want to, you can talk to him on January 23rd. By then I will be stronger.

Speak kindly to yourself. It's really hard to do the NC but really the only way to heal, and you want to remind yourself you can do it. When you get the urge to contact him, remind yourself of your first paragraph of this post. The same things you would tell a friend, tell yourself.

I can attest to that there will be many up and down days but when you stick it out, the good days will increase.

I'm sorry you are going through all this with him. I got the silent treatment so many times I can't count. It is extremely abusive. Now while I am doing no contact he gets to be on the other end of the silent treatment. You know we have have some good memories with our abusers and things we miss but that doesn't make it ok. Mine does the same cycle and once he feels he lost me he is relentless to get me back - no silent treatment then hU? Hey these guys are ill and those few good memories are nothing when you compare them to the times he said and did hurtful things to you on purpose without caring at all about you. They are only nice to get what they want and once they get it they don't care anymore until the next time. Your right its a cycle - Cycle of abuse! Give no contact a try. when I do it a day I feel stronger. WE all have had caving moments we regret but you can become stronger from it all. Use it to get back on top! They love doing this sort of thing thats what they thrive on but its sick! These relationships are toxic like a drug, I have come to realize this after 10 years of wasting my life on a man who is never going to care about me. Does your own a cat? (Its a thing I read about psychopaths - they would never own a cat or keep one long). Not to say everyone who doesn't have a cat is psycho but I'm just seeing how many of our psychopaths do not like or want cats. I hope you feel better soon! You have support in here, I know its difficult to go through all this - I compare it to being like someone close to you died. An emptiness and its hard for us to accept because they are not dead they are just rejecting us or chasing us depending on where the cycle is.

I surely struggled yesterday and last night especially but today is ether.
Today is better. Much better. Something about being alone on a Friday night when everyone is going to be with their families and my kids are grown and I feel alone.

I tried to imagine if I was with him last night. He would be drunk for starters and all he would want to do is drink and watch some of the stupid shows he likes. Funny that all of my shows are stupid and his are so well written that they are for educated people. He would look at me at some point with contempt while his teeth would be stained from the wine he was drinking. Gross.

No, he doesn't have a cat. ha