Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Some days feel awesome without him and some days feel not so good. Yesterday I was on top of the world. I felt no contact working and I felt myself getting better. I could FEEL the difference. Today, it just hurts and it takes all my will power not to call him. I know if I called him, he would be nice. For awhile. Sometimes it almost feels worth it. To be able to feel special again. Pretty again. Not so lonely for him. I know it wouldn't last. I know he is abusive.
I won't do it. I know better now. I have done it a thousand times already. Not this time. This time is different. But the thing is... this time almost hurts the most because this time.... I mean it. It is over never to be redone. Maybe that is the ache. My therapist said this would happen. I am only used to drama (in the last three years) and now I have peace. Peace looks funny to me.
I have come so far. My own apartment and nearly everything in it is built from scratch. When I left him, he kept everything of value and "shipped my stuff" so I did get my clothes and my kids clothes but NOTHING that we had collected over our 25 years together. All the china, the kitchen stuff, art works, furniture, linens, every thing that makes a house complete. Rather than original artworks from Europe my walls have original artworks my family painted for me. I love it. I love my new place. My new things. All mine. Just mine. Not stuff we had shared.
I guess just some days I feel sad. I was abused and that stinks. I was hurt by this man and that isn't fair. I was betrayed and disappointed and let down and broken by him yet I still miss him. That makes me mad. I think this is called recovery. Healing. I think this is what it looks like.
Very early into this process (I left him almost three years ago) my good friend said to me, "It is going to hurt Shannon. Right up until the day it doesn't." She has been right about every thing else in all of this. Is it true? Is it possible that one day it won't hurt quite so much?
NC: 5 days, 4 hours, 42 minutes and some of it has been excruciating
I won't do it. I know better now. I have done it a thousand times already. Not this time. This time is different. But the thing is... this time almost hurts the most because this time.... I mean it. It is over never to be redone. Maybe that is the ache. My therapist said this would happen. I am only used to drama (in the last three years) and now I have peace. Peace looks funny to me.
I have come so far. My own apartment and nearly everything in it is built from scratch. When I left him, he kept everything of value and "shipped my stuff" so I did get my clothes and my kids clothes but NOTHING that we had collected over our 25 years together. All the china, the kitchen stuff, art works, furniture, linens, every thing that makes a house complete. Rather than original artworks from Europe my walls have original artworks my family painted for me. I love it. I love my new place. My new things. All mine. Just mine. Not stuff we had shared.
I guess just some days I feel sad. I was abused and that stinks. I was hurt by this man and that isn't fair. I was betrayed and disappointed and let down and broken by him yet I still miss him. That makes me mad. I think this is called recovery. Healing. I think this is what it looks like.
Very early into this process (I left him almost three years ago) my good friend said to me, "It is going to hurt Shannon. Right up until the day it doesn't." She has been right about every thing else in all of this. Is it true? Is it possible that one day it won't hurt quite so much?
NC: 5 days, 4 hours, 42 minutes and some of it has been excruciating
on your own, moving into
your own free-of-abuse
life. YYYYyyyyyyyaaaaaayyyyyy
for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks, Ilene. I'm not sure where I would be without the support from this board. Seriously, you guys give me strength.
I have been so low I wanted to die, I hated everything about me and my life, I hated him for what he did to me and I missed him at the same time. Now, I can think of him and there is still a lingering sadness, especially when I think that my son is having to grow up without a father, but there is no longer pain.
It can get better.
Yes, the ups and downs, good days, bad days, and days that hurt like crazy are all normal. It will get better as you continue on the way. I will tell you realistically, there will probably be some extra tough days and sometimes they come out of nowhere and way later down the road occassionally. I've had days where I feel an actual physical pain, to me it seems as though my heart is breaking for the love I had given in the relationship and the life I thought was there and have lost.
Of course your habit and almost instinct is to reach out for him for comfort, after so many years it is especially hard to stop. It's great you fought that and yes, the key is being our own safe person and our own safe place within ourselves. To talk to ourselves the way we deserve to be talked to but mostly never were, or if we were, it was not authentic, honest and loving the way a healthy relationship would be.
Excruciating it is but remind yourself you've already gotten yourself through those beginning days so far and it may potentially get worse before it gets better but you still won't have to repeat those first days again. As time passes, you'll feel stronger and that will further enforce it for you. I've had some personal things lately that I could potentially contact me ex and I've struggled back & forth about whether to or not, and I thought why would I risk putting myself in that spot again? It has hurt to do NC and still does at times but I've worked so hard to get here, yes, I deserve what I have earned for myself in all this hard work. You do, too!!
Take care and keeping you in my prayers.
My ex was jealous of all of my ex-boyfriends. Like extremely jealous and cyber stalked them. He kept accusing me of hiding important stuff about my past from him. Once, when we were at Costco, we were checking out at the checkout stand. He handed his Costco card to the cashier who ran it and said, I'm sorry, it looks like your membership has expired. I then volunteered to use my card, and the cashier said, "You can add your boyfriend to your card if you'd like." All at once, I realized that another ex boyfriend from the past (who I became friends with after the breakup because he was gay!- no lie!) was on my card, and I said, "Oh, I'm sorry John is on my card." You should have seen my ex turn red. When we got to the parking lot, he started screaming at me. "How could you hide this from me?" I told him I had totally forgotten that my friend John was on my card, but it wouldn't be a big deal to take him off and put my crazy ass abusive boyfriend on it. (I didn't use those words.) He then said, "So, you mean to tell me that you haven't remembered every single time that you drove by Costco that your ex-boyfriend John was on your Costco card and you wouldn't think of all of the times that you'd go shopping together and then go home and have sex?!" Um, yes, loco, that is exactly what I mean to tell you.
Anyway, I think of the great Costco fiasco that caused my crazy ass ex not to talk to me for a weekend to "teach me a lesson." Wow, I suddenly feel much better being at home, all by myself, and on my own.
NC 5 days, 23 hours, 29 minutes (Almost six days) Almost a week! I don't ever want to start this over again.
Good job, Shannon! you got this!
So it is sad, but at the same time sooo much better. I was so worried that I would go back to him again, but after 10 days I know that I won't. I can't lie to myself anymore. I can't pretend that it could get better or make excuses. I'm currently hotel hopping & staying with family, but I hope I will be where you are soon, with my own place where I can have only what I want in it and I can make all my own decisions. Alone, but not lonely. Alone, but not scared.