For me I think its a fear of being happy. I've had the rug pulled out from under me so many times that I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can find times of optimism but since I'm smack in the middle of the mess right now I feel in limbo, waiting for the happy time to come.

I think another part for me is that he hated me being happy. I see that now. So when i was he always managed a way to spoil it. So I learned to hide it. I consciously suppressed happiness.

I am happy in the sense of feeling free from the oppression. THAT makes me happy!

the problem with being the kid in the candy store is the stomach ache afterwards, the danger in being allowed to grab at happiness with both hands is that we don't know how to pace ourselves.

we learned how to live with pain, we leaned how to settle, we learned how to place ourselves second and third and forth until finally we didn't appear on the list at all. we learned at the toughest school in the universe, and now we have to learn something else. that's what this is, the dawning awareness that we spent our lives figuring out a fax machine and now have to take a computer class.

sun it's interesting how this moment of confusion comes after seeing your ex. you are far enough away from the pattern to spot it, but close enough to feel it's pull. this is a phantom pain, like someone with an amputated limb who still feels it because the brain is in the habit of feeling it. see it for what it is, a sign of growth. the view is different from above and it's dizzying, but climbing the steady stair of happiness seems fuzzy as well, and like godismyhonor, maybe it kicks in the "you shouldn't be happy because it causes trouble and should be suppressed" voice in a loudspeaker.

yeah, it sucks. we have worked too hard and survived too much to still have to struggle, but i bet the more we focus like a laser beam on the future, the closer it will come. leaving takes huge bursts of energy in sprints right out the door, but surviving the fallout is the slow, steady race, and the end of running in circles. i think it's about learning to breath differently, and be differently, and realizing the happiness that is already with you, under all the rubble.

This is a thought provoking post.....quite a lot to ponder.

Sun blossom, I find myself lately exactly where you are. It's like one minute I'm happy and feel free but at the same time I don't really know what that is & the next minute I think "what did I do?" It doesn't take long for me to realize that I made the right decision (using Ilene's clarifying index cards help), but even knowing that sometimes can leave you feeling uncertain.

What being happy means is different for everyone, it could be a big thing or something fairly small & it is determined by the person.

I saw a quote that says "Standing alone is better than standing with people who hurt you" and that's a hard thing to understand but so very true, the reason, "just because the past didn't turn out like you wanted it to, doesn't mean your future can't be better than you ever imagined"

Wishing you strength and encouragement! :)

Oh My Gosh! Thank you all so much for the responses. I'm having a much better day today and I was really troubled with that whole, what is happy for me question. I spoke to my therapist today about it and like he said... Maybe I don't need to know what happy is to me right now. He's right. I do know enough now to know what doesn't make me happy. I also know, we have all had very traumatic experiences and this is a long road ahead.

GodIs, you've really put it into perspective for me. I am happy that after seeing my ex, my head is back on straight (and it only took a minute).

Vernacular... I'm honored you responded to my post. You're always right on point with your "very real" advice. I always said, one day I want Vernacular to "kick this Bambi in the face" (sorry Joanie). :-) Love, Love, Love when you said... the dawning awareness that we spent our lives figuring out a fax machine and now have to take a computer class. Very powerful to me and has helped me move a little further in my growth.

Confused... I know seeing him trigger something in me, but thank God is was short lived this time around :-).

Thank you all really! You're all such good friends in my head and most importantly you understand and the support I get from this site has really helped me tremendously. xoxo

You are so right, you don't have to find happy right away, you have to find yourself and then happy will find you! When I first became free I was like Vernacular said a kid in a candy shop and believe me I had a belly ache for awhile after. I went crazy trying to force myself to be happy, I think the most part was forcing my mind to quit thinking and to keep myself busy, I filled my time with lots of wrong things and wrong people, I went downhill and so did my ex. Then I realized that this was not happy, this was numbing pain. I forced myself sober and I found myself, it took some work, but it happened, then an old friend contacted me we started talking, he moved back to my state and now he is my happy.
I so hope you take some time to let old wounds heal and to find yourself. You DO deserve better and don't let yourself think otherwise. Bad days will still happen even after happy is found. Don't look for it, let it find you.
Good luck and the best of wishes! BIG HUGS to you as well :)