Hi Rad,

From my experience I would have to agree with you. Happiness and the ability to live a full life should not be dependent on who is in our lives. we have enough within ourselves to be a whole complete, satisfied, fullfilled person. I can be fullfilled within myself...I just don't know how...yet.

I read Codependent No More about 6 months ago and some of it rang true for me. Now, I'm reading it again and a lot of it makes sense. I wasn't ready the first time around. I would recommend looking into codependency. It might help you recognize why you are feeling this way.

The feeling of being stuck has been my companion. We have the keys to unlock ourselves and make ourselves happy. We deserve it. But we have work to do to repair and heal.

BTW. I am lonely too. But I am really scared of relationships, emotional intimacy, vulnerability, honesty...get the picture? My goal is to welcome these things someday.

Take care,

Seawee

Oh I am scared of relationships too. It's not that I want a relationship at all I want to be happy and feel fullfilled by myself and I dont. I am going to look up self help on codependency and see if it helps me out too! I am ready I just need to know what to do to change it. I don't even want a relationship right now I want to have my life back! I think you feel the same way from what you said.

Was just thinking the same myself this morning. I used to be perfectly happy on my own but right now I just desperately want someone to cuddle up to. Except in no way do I ACTUALLY want to get in another relationship, there's no way I'm ready for one.

I was trying to figure out when I started to feel so dependent on having a boyfriend and I'm fairly sure it was after my first "practice" abusive relationship - the little one that started to destroy my self esteem and set me up for the rest. I think therapy would do me a lot of good but my brief attempts to arrange some have failed so far - I guess thats the next thing I need to focus on sorting out.

We'll get there one day x

Absolutely rad!
I am tired of trying o figure out what happened and I am tired of how it effected me and I'm tired of feeling paralyzed and I'm tired of being afraid and I'm tired of feeling inadequate...I really could go on!

I'm ready to take steps of putting it back together...better then how I was before so I don't fall into my old habits.

Something good needs to come out of it and I now know I need to change my behavior so as not to attract the same types of people.

Keep me updated on what you find.

Seawee

I think its a hole within us that we looked for others to fill. Learning how to fill that void for me is a challenge...a big one. I do like my own company...but sometimes long for what I see others having...a normal relationship...at least that's what it looks like.

I don't know the answers, but I know that you are such a kind person and friend and that you WILL draw the right people and situations into your life...and you also deserve that.

Maybe you are still in recovery mode. From what I remember, it has been fairly recent since you've been broken up with him? Perhaps it does take time..and maybe that's why self care is stressed so much here. I don't do it, do you? I'm going to check in n c if u do.

Hi radrm,

I know how you're feeling. I often get very lonely, and yet I am afraid to start new friendships because I fear rejection, and then when someone (like an abuser) does go out of their way to talk to me, I just latch on and don't see them for what they are until they've already hurt me. In this way, abusers see people who are vulnerable, use their vulnerabilities to absorb them into their perverted lives, and then leave them feeling even more vulnerable, unhappy, and lonely than when they started out. This is why it's so hard to break the cycle of falling into abusive relationships. It's not easy, but you can get out of it!

There is a codependency support group here on DS, and I've found it quite useful in gaining insights into my own codependency issues: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Codependency/support-group. It isn't quite as active as this group, but it's still pretty active, and might be worth at try.

Let me ask you like this, what is it you fear?

What's the fear base behind loneliness? These feeling are symptoms of something that is a fear!

For example for me I remember fearing my Ex's voice because he was so very good at the verbal manipulation! I always felt confused listening to him!

And after I went NC I still feared what he thought of me etc because I feared having to come face to face with his words!

I know this is not what u fear but I'm just giving u this as an example!

So I sat myself down and thought about what this fear was!

I feared his words, but what were his words? Ok so I feared his voice but what was his voice? Well I feared his vocal chords but what r vocal chords? Ok so I'm fearing a noise! A grunt!

Then I had a light bulb moment of "I am afraid of a noise!!"

Didn't really seem that scary looking at it like that! But I got there by really looking at the fear, breaking each fear down until I could break it down no more, and in that it became smaller and I feared less!

So try to figure out your fear as this maybe a good start! :)

It's only been 9 weeks since I left, but it's like I totally forgot how to do anything on my own.... it's crazy, I have been the most independent out of all of my friends, bringing up kids on my own and running a house, but the minute I left him I was scared to go to the shops on my own, even food shopping was a nightmare, and stepping into a pub or place to eat was awful as i'd forgotten how to enjoy myself !! I felt sick and anxious and wanted to come home, I felt totally out of my comfort zone... the complete opposite to what I have been most of my life, even now it's strain I know it's early days and I seem to want to put myself into a bubble ... I find my stomach knotting when i'm at home on my own, I feel empty,scared and sick, totally paranoid that he's doing something way more adventurous than me... I know he isn't, as he doesn't have many friends and doesn't know how to socialise well..... but even so I find myself panicking and thinking " I don't know what i'm meant to be doing " xx

Kaz..It is fear based for me. I know where my fear lies and its being alone...without a man in my life. For me it stems from my Mom always making fun of me starting at 17 if I didn't have a boyfriend. She would tell me no one wants me. My Dad was emotionally absent. So I learned to always have a relationship to make myself worthy in her eyes.

Funny thing is I don't want a relationship...yet I feel lost sometimes (not a lot lately) without one. It feels strange to not have someone who tells me how to live...no one to cook for...clean for etc. Which is also something that always came into the relationship picture. Me always bowing down.

They say when you are uncomfortable its because you are growing and learning. So Rad...perhaps you are pushing thru stuff and its a growth spurt? I know mine is. :)