Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My husband is an abusive alcoholic.He is mean when he gets drunk, most of the time.Also something I hate and he does all the time is, he wakes me up at between 4 and 6 almost every morning wanting to have sex! I hate that,also he is all over me all throughout the night touching constantly.I hate that too. I have really bad Arthritis and when I wake up I'm in a lot of pain also I really need my sleep to deal with all my pain and the fatigue.I feel used by my husband just for his compulsive desire for sex.But then again it is harder and harder for me to want it with a person who is belittling me all the time and calling me horrible names and all the other things that are on the long list of abusive behaviors he has.So is this normal or part of the abuse,I feel abused because I will tell to stop and he wont.Or he gets very mad at me.
I am new to this site, but I was reading your post and I have experienced the same thing with my husband. I would tell him to stop, he would just keep on during the night. He has woken me up many times. He would wake me up several times, I would tell him no or to leave me alone and he would keep on trying.
It took me a long time to convince him to stop messing with me when I'm sleeping; he finally did. My husband hasn't drank for many years, but he is an alcoholic, he does abuse pills with stimulants in them, which is almost as bad as the drinking for me...He drives me nuts.
As far as abuse it is absolutely 100% abuse. I wondered myself at first, but after speaking with therapists, reading as much as I good to educate myself. Your husband, like mine is dismissing your feelings, it's all about him, the control, the power. He has not regard for what you go through and how you feel, if they did they wouldn't do it.
How can someone say they love you, yet make you feel so bad? That is a question I often ask myself; I finally realized recently that my husband is a narcissist. it's all about him. He has so many of the characteristics.
The belittling and calling you names is also outright ABUSE! It's not even about you, it's about how he feels about himself. A man with a strong self-esteem and character would not do that or feel the need to belittle someone else, it would be above them and something they would not consider doing.
If you have to and wouldn't cause a lot of problems, I would sleep in another room or on the couch. It's exactly like you said and I've even told my husband "Why would I want to sleep with you when all you seem to do is alienate me?"
You are in a very abusive relationship; as most of us here are and can identify with, and a long list of reasons we give ourself why we don't leave. Staying changes nothing for us, it only makes the abuse worse and our partner's feel it's okay because we don't take any action or they don't have any consequences for their behavior
I'm trying really hard to figure out what I need to do myself. I have become more outspoken as what I will accept, it probably won't make a difference to him, because he's always right and it's always my fault.
I've been trying to focus on the saying...YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU...that's what I have done, I have let him think it's okay to belittle me, verbally and emotionally abuse me, it's not okay....Now I face the know how of trying to fix it one way or another.
My husband also gets very mad if I tell him to stop or even fuss, it may benefit you to look up narcissist characteristics, or you may already know, but your husband sounds a lot like mine. The main thing about a narcissist is that you feel worse about yourself after being around them.
Just know, that it's not you, your husband is very abusive, and please don't let him keep waking you and causing you more pain, without putting yourself in any danger. It's not even about the sex, it's a control thing for him, as most abusers. It may help to talk to someone who deals with domestic abuse. I don't know if your husband is physically violent, you know him and what you can do without putting yourself in any danger...
If you need to talk, I'm here.
Becky
thing too
You're being abused up, down and sideways.
You are the owner of your own body.
No means no. Anything after that is RAPE.
Couples counseling is notoriously adverse
to dealing with abuse. Christian counseling
may or may not have the tools to navigate
intense abuse.
I recommend that you find a therapist whose
area is abuse and multiple area of dysfunction.
As for staying married. . . . .
this is something you'll have to sort out
after you're very clear on the degree of
dysfunciton your husband is experiencing
and what you want the rest of your life to be like.
I'm pretty sure, most of us on this site
would advise you to at least separate
and have time to get a perspective on this.
As for "teaching people how to treat us", that does have some relevance with healthy people. It has no relevance with disordered people. They don't think like us, they don't react like us, and they cannot be taught how to treat people properly.
Welcome both of you to the group. Please keep reading and keep posting. And do seek individual counselling from someone who understands dysfunction and abuse.