Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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MIA2012 10/20/2012

My brother was talking to our friends and family yesterday talking about his ex. He said that he was angry because he found out she was dating some other guy while she was talking to him this summer about getting back together. He said how he tore into her and reduced her to tears and told her she was a piece of garbage. This REALLY upset me because I don't like that my brother thought it was ok to treat someone he once said he loved this way, and was bragging how he made her cry. When I said something about it I was immediately put down for defending her. I'm not. What she did was wrong. He has every reason to be angry, every reason to be hurt, but putting someone down just to make yourself feel better? He clearly doesn't since he has to go tell us all about it.

This is after he answered my sisters phone earlier in the night saying that he didn't know who I was or who the F*ck Kim and Rob are (my brother and sister) and that I had the wrong number. Then acted like he didn't answer the phone, and when I finally really got upset about it he was just like "Oh I was just kidding... BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!" I know my brother is depressed, and when he has been upset with me before he has been almost as verbally abusive as my ex was. I don't like what I am seeing here. I don't like the thought of being mean to me just to be mean, not appolgizing and then being mean to your ex and being proud of yourself for it. My brother is very loving and caring, but this pattern of behavior, and it is a pattern now because he did treat me like crap for a full year... scares me..

Please tell me your thoughts... I'm pretty lost right now.
I told my sister today that it really upset me and I want to talk to him and she said I am only making this about me. Am I? Ugh I hate second guessing myself!

gem111 10/20/2012

I think it showed a lot of compassion on your part to realize it was not a good thing for your brother to make himself feel better by making his ex cry just to be mean. The phone call you describe is scary to me. He sounds out of control/abusive to me----but I am no expert, just a feeling.
I think talking to him will only make him attack (verbally) you and I really don't think it would do him a bit of good. Did it do any good to talk to your ex?
Whatever you do, MIA, I wish you the best of luck.

IleneW 10/20/2012

I'm so sorry.

I can totally relate to what you've shared.

I had a sibling who attacked my parents.

I tried to protect them from that sibling.

I could not.

You say your brother is loving and caring.
But then you note that there's a pattern
of abusive behavior.

People who consistently abuse
aren't loving or caring.

They are a danger to others.

Livndadrem 10/20/2012

I'm sorry but I have to agree with the others. My brother is like that too - will put me down and demean me until I get upset, then say that he was "just joking" and that "only stupid people get upset at stuff like that". No, I don't think you are making it "all about you" - at least not in a bad way. The fact is that your hurt IS about you and you are entitled to it. But I also agree with gem that talking to him is unlikely to make any difference. If he thinks it's clever and strong and other good things to make people cry, then all you would be doing is confirming to him how good he is.

The best you can do with him, I think, is to try to let his cruelty slide right off you. I know it's hard. I'm not prepared to cut off all contact with my family, for a bunch of reasons, so the only other way to deal with it is to try to ignore it. Don't show him that he's getting to you.

deleted_user 10/21/2012

I think it's great that you said something to your brother. That was a perfect example of being assertive and his response is unfortunately typical. Abusers, and i consider your brother an abuser based on what you have written, don't like being stood up to and told their behavior is unacceptable. You will be met with anger every time. That is why it is important to know that you are not going to be physically battered by the person you stand up to. If you are ever in doubt, then don't.
In your brother's case, imo not standing up to him, would be sending him the signal that what he does to you as well as his ex, is acceptable. As long as you feel safe doing so, i would say address his abuse every time you see or experience it.
And yes it is your business. When he chose to abuse you it became your business.

deleted_user 10/21/2012

And the old saying that two wrongs don't make a right apply here because although your brother's ex may have been in the wrong to deceive him, him shredding her and getting a kick out of it, speaks volumes about him and his character.

deleted_user 10/21/2012

Your brother is not a nice and ''normal'' person. He is an out of control abuser, who is capable of causing serious harm to others. I would be scared of him too. Stay away from him. Your sister dosn't know how dangerous your brother can be. And, you do not know what your brother had done to his ex- girlfriend! Stay away from him if you can. You need to keep yourself safe, no matter what others might think, because, they don't ''get it''.

MIA2012 10/21/2012

Learned, thank you so much for that response. I have learned over the years that defending myself or "taking the bait" do t help me. I am glad though that you said something about being assertive and speaking up to say his behavior is unacceptable. I usually do stay pretty far away from him because has been pretty verbally abusive in the past And my ignoring it helps. Its just so hard to turn away from family. I have noticed the men in my immediate family have all been abusive in one way or another. My other brother used to beat the hell out of us when we were kids, and my dad was extremely verbally abusive years back. Probably part of my pattern of attracting such individuals..

I talked with a very close friend last night and I will be looking into therapy again. There are a lot of things I can change here, and I am starting now.

deleted_user 10/21/2012

Good for you for picking up on the fact that the male individuals are like that in your family. Please go to therapy if you can. You can change this abusive pattern in your family, and it starts with you! I would not worry about anyone else , but you. This is a turning point in your life. You need to keep yourself safe, and build your self- esteem. Do not be around any men in your family, or talk to them on the phone, if you can help it. You are going to be fine. I am on this site to support you. I would like to talk to you sometime. I think I can help. Hugs! There is an angel on your shoulder....that's me. Angel Grace

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