Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been in a relationship with a man I'm absolutely crazy about for over 2 years now. When we got together at first we were blissfully happy for about 6 months and then its as if over night he changed. He became very controlling as in if there was a night that I stayed in my own house and he stayed in his he would constantly text asking who I was with and was there other men there and when I'd say no he wouldn't believe me.. He would say I was making up lies or to just be honest with him and not make a fool of him and at first I was so surprised and taken aback by the situation that I actually kept answering and reassuring him that I would never do anything wrong on him. But a few more months on and things just got worse and worse. If we had a few friends around it would always end up in an argument that I was flirting with his friends or looking at them the wrong way and some of the stories he comes up with in his head are so shockingly far fetched I do not know or understand where he gets them from. I was always a strong minded woman before this relationship. So therefore as time went on I started defending myself and arguing back but it seems that he thrives on the arguments. He tries to convince me that it is all my fault. That he wouldn't have said what he said or behaved how he behaved if I hadnt of made him feel a certain way or did a certain thing that he didnt like. As far as Im concerned ive done everything I possibly can for him. I was in a relationship for 8 years prior to this one. And I am still very close with that ex today, he's the father of my daughter. Things just wern't working out anymore for both of us as a couple... And I am very sad to say that I left the father of my child for less than my current boyfriend has put me through. Its like he has turned me into a different person. This has been going on for so long now that I don't know what is normal anymore. In some of his rages he would leave my house and send me at least 50 text messages calling me disgusting names telling he wishes I would die because I have hurt him so much. When all I have ever done is my best for him. I am a single mother living in my own house and paying to bring up my own child. He has a son from a previous relationship also. I allowed him to move in with me and looked after his son as my own. But I ended up having to make him leave because he fought with me so often and in front of my daughter. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like Im going crazy. He tells me that Im the crazy one that its all my fault that he is the way that he is and why cant I see that
I know when couples have problems it is never all one's fault the two of you made it what it is you are both responsible for what it has become.
Blame is for God and children - He does not want to work out his own problems he wants a scapegoat for them. Anyone who cannot take responsibility for their own behavior is one sick puppy.
I would tell him it is over, change the locks, get a restraining order, change my phone number and maybe move - whatever it takes to get away. Don't let him convince you that you are wrong to maintain a healthy relationship with your daughter's father or to take time for yourself for self care. Anyone that makes you feel worse constantly instead of better about yourself is nothing but a weight holding you down using your energy to fill their own lack of self worth and emptiness that never is satisfied while holding you drown.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish you good luck and I will send prayers. (((Hugs)))
though I'm sorry for the
circumstances that have
brought you here.
I AM a psychologist and
a counselor.
What you describe is not
only typical abusive behavior,
it has elements of really scary
stuff, like his irrational possessiveness
and tell you he wishes you would die
for having hurt him so much.
I'm glad you made him leave
your house, but you need to
take measures to ensure
your safety. . . . whatever
that takes, where you are.
You're NOT crazy.
You need to get this
predator out of your
life and the life of your
daughter ---- SAFELY!!!!!!!!
Please take good care.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
safety and strength.
Secondly, there is nothing wrong with you.
I want to say that over and over again, because it's true.
Do please look into getting counselling from someone who has training and expertise in recovery from trauma and abuse. In the meantime, also look up Stockholm Syndrome and trauma bonding. Those will explain why you still have feelings for someone you know is toxic, why you find it so hard to cut the ties. And hopefully, they will show you that you are perfectly normal to feel the way you do.
The other thing to understand is that there's no such thing as wrong feelings. There's no "should" when it comes to feelings, except to say that you "should" feel whatever it is you do feel. All feelings are valid and ok - even the ones that make no sense or are actually inconsistent with each other. Accept that the feelings you have for him (whatever they are) are real and ok - but having them doesn't mean you need to stay with him.
You know what it is you need to do. You also need to know that we know just how hard it is to actually do it. It doesn't seem to make sense that it's harder to leave a seriously abusive/toxic person than it is to leave a person when things "just didn't work out". But it's true. And it's true because of Stockholm Syndrome/trauma bonding. You're not finding this hard because you're weak, you're finding it hard because it IS hard. All of us here have been through (or are going through) the stage you are at, where we know it's wrong but can't seem to drag ourselves out of it.
Finally, you are not weak. A weak person would refuse to face what is going on, a weak person wouldn't seek out the advice you knew you were going to get, and a weak person wouldn't accept the words you have already been given and accepted. A weak person wouldn't be trying so hard to do what's right by herself and her daughter, in spite of the feelings she has and the confusion.
Take good care of yourself, you deserve it.
I agree that no contact, therapy by a therapist who knows abuse, and perhaps reading all of the literature u can on abusive relationships can help you to sort out your feelings and do what's right for you and your daughter to have this abuser out of your life.
I bet if you really dig through the current relationship, you'll find some warning signs at the start that showed he was a nut job.
Why do you keep coming back for more??? To prove to yourself that you GOT this! That you are NOT what he says you are. But it's futile, since it's HIM.
I was to the point where I went to a psychiatrist b/c my abuser had me convinced I was literally crazy. I thought I might need meds! Best advice I got was, "Get rid of the things in your life that make you feel crazy and see what happens."
It wasn't easy, but I did it. Do it for your daughter. She deserves a peaceful mother.
What abusers do is manipulate you into thinking THEY are your savoir and you are lost without them. We forget we were fine without them. We feed their sick egos.
You got this!
Just remember to document EVERYTHING. You may have to go to the police one day...
Hugs.
You did the right thing by removing him from the situation, now you need to keep him away.
Find it in yourself that you and your daughter deserve better and let it go. Coming from a home of abuse myself , your child is seeing this and learning it's ok and I know you don't want that.
I stayed myself in a abusive relationship until it almost destroyed me and my children because I learned it was what I was suppose to do. I just had to fix things. But it was wrong of me for putting my children through that. I got out and did what I had to do for my own peace of mind and took my children and taught them no one deserves abuse of any kind.
So look deep in yourself and you know what's right.
@deliann, i really related to your comment. Deep down i wanted to feel like it could have been a gentle parting but everything i was.hurting over hot twisted around and pinned back on me.
Im done with beating myself up i didnt do anything but believe an abuser
And from all the posts by survivors, i can bet my paycheck he is never going to change.
Prince harming
There is no hope unless he sees what he is doing.
I say get out of the relationship and be ready for more abuse until he finally gets used to the idea that it is over. You will never be happy. He does not want you to be happy. He is a serial bully. I feel sorry for the next woman he dates. If you care about your children and yourself.
Get out now!
So to answer the question, YES he is entirely abusive and my guess is that the more you do for yourself, the worse he will become! I agree with the others that if he doesn't see or want to see his part in this, there is no hope! And by the way, my ex did attempt to work on his issues a few times in order to reel me back in and keep me! But obviously it was all just a tactic and in the end, when he lost control of me completely, he would do anything he could to trip me or hurt me! Even now 10 years later, I had something crop up last year in regards to our joint finances that he was still holding over me after all this time. This sick behaviour is just a means to control you! I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this!! Sending blessings!
Prince Harming - this is great!