I don't remember the term for what he's doing, but he's definitely abusive. He's also showing absolutely zero respect for you.

I suggest asking for some advice at a local women's shelter. They should be able to help with finding a way to get him off your back. It may be possible to get a court order mandating he stop harassing you.

Please trust your inner knowing.

*He was violent. There is no such thing as moment of little violence!!! He shook you. That is violent, plain and simple.

*He is not being respectful of you. He disregards everything you say and pushes you to give in.

*The other behaviors you described are dysfunctional and abusive.

*Saying he loves you doesn't prove anything. He isn't ACTING like he loves you.

*His 'logic' & 'reasoning' is totally off the mark.

* He is putting you down and discounting you when he says you don't have any valuable reason...

*Engaging you in hours long conversations, especially in the middle of the night is also abusive because he is depriving you of your right to sleep.

Please don't say yes to make it stop. Do it legally.

1. Contact your local women's shelter and get a referral to a qualified abuse recovery therapist who understands the dynamics & effects of abuse. (Sadly many therapists, including the ones to whom we are referred by the abuse shelters, have no clue.)

2. Ask the shelter people to help you create a plan to keep you SAFE and as distanced from his as possible.

3. Also ask them for a referral to an attorney who educated in the dynamics and effects of abuse. Then, have the attorney write a letter to him saying you will only respond to emails or texts from him and ONLY in regards to the co-parenting of your daughter. If you have primary custody, make arrangements to have someone else be present when he comes to pick her up for his visits.

4. With the exception of texts or emails ONLY pertaining to your daughter, stop responding to him. If he includes other stuff in addition to co-parenting your child, ignore it.

5. Keep your distance from him at work as best you can. If he bothers you at work, let your boss know that he is harassing you.

6. Do NOT be alone with him and do not agree to meet him anywhere. Don't go to his house and don't let him in your house w/o another adult present.

7. Document all past abuses and anything he does in the future.

YOU KNOW you don't want to get back with him, so don't.

But, you need a SAFETY plan and a way to protect yourself because he's already been violent. You also need to make sure that your daughter is protected & SAFE.

Finally, take very good care of yourself, you deserve to live an abuse -free life.

~healing hugs~

Are you still living together? Why are you talking to him at midnight?

I'm confused.

I second what MTC said.

thanks for all the replies. I will keep all of that in mind.
We don't live together but he lives really close by. It's a choice we made at the time of separation so our daughter can get to see all of us when needed.
loving the healing hugs
xx

One more important piece of information:

The more your child is exposed to his abuse, the likelier she will be to learn that its ok to abuse and be abused. I'm sorry to say that is the main way the cycle of abuse is perpetuated. This goes for the very youngest. Babies who don't have language skills yet can still sense what is going on. Much research has been done with children who "just" witness the abuse of a parent and aren't "directly" abused. What they found is that prolonged exposure to an abusive environment resulted damage to the brain. For example, the hippocampus part of the brain can shrink as much as 20%.

Here are a couple of articles.

http://www.asca.org.au/WHAT-WE-DO/Resources/General-Information/Impact-on-the-physiology-of-the-brain

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/you-illuminated/201210/the-damaging-impact-abuse-brain-development

So again, finding a qualified child therapist who understand the dynamics & effects of abuse as it pertains to children would be extremely beneficial.

Why are you talking to him so many times a day?

This is dangerous.

You need to put distance between the two of you.

Do not entertain these marathon emotional bullying sessions.

Don't let him in. Tell him to go home or you are calling the police.

I am aware we shouldn't talk so much. I guess it's my fault. He travels a lot but when he is around I let him come round. He has said that he is in this town just for me and my daughter. So i felt guilty and let him come round. It's my fault. Now when I go out he says he needs to know where I am in case smth happens with our daughter.
I dont understand why he doesn't let go. I feel trapped.
But if I go to the police it's going to ruin his whole life. He has a good heart. He doesn't deserve it. It's probably just a bad moment in his life.
Isn't it?

You are blaming yourself for HIS abusive patterns. Stop that.

Tell him from now, there are new boundaries. He's NOT to come to your house unannounced and NOT for reasons other than your daughter.

You need to go to the court and sue for primary custody and child support.

You need to nip this in the bud.

You need to document all his abusive behavior.

You need to shut this down.

You need to see a women's shelter to know how to do this safely.

He's feeling entitled to you somehow and this could get very dangerous... esp since he works out of town... he could take your daughter one day.

Use one of his times out of town to lay all the ground work.

If $ is an option, you can get a mediator... but you still need a lawyer.

Boundaries, hun...

Does he leave when you ask him to?

What if you just didn't answer the phone?

He does eventually. But it always takes a long time. If I dint pick up the phone he keeps calling or texting till I reply. If I dont it drives him mad. And the next time I get to see him it feel inconfortable.
I hear what you are all saying. Thanks you so much. I will put down some new boundaries.
Take care xx

I pretty much never respond to anyone right away.

Just to give you a comparison, my ex and I have been divorced for 8 years. In that time, I've called him when he's got the kids maybe a couple of dozen times; and he's done the same with me.

The fact is, that he's a capable parent. If the kids are sick, he's capable of taking them to the doctor, I do NOT need to know right away. Same with him. He doesn't need to know, nor do I have any obligation to inform him on the spot. (Anything life or limb threatening would obviously be a different story.)

My obligation to be available 24/7 to him ended the minute he ended the relationship. I don't have to explain...and I don't explain.

In general, explanations are a bad idea. It only opens things up to an argument.


That said, I'd say that my ex and I, 8 years later, have a fantastic co-parenting relationship. Our kids are happy, healthy, are able to see both the good and bad in both their father and me without unrealistic expectations. A part of me keeps wanting to ask what the big deal about teenagers is all about...

Hi, blueflower! I am sorry you are dealing with this. This does seem like emotional abuse that is physical as well. It can quickly escalate especially now that you are gone. Statistically speaking , the most dangerous time is when a woman leaves or tries to end the relationship. I understand what you mean about setting new boundaries and I hope that works for you. In my case, I have dated two abusers who will forever piss on your boundaries unless you employ no contact and even then that is not a guarantee. I know it makes things difficult when you have a child together. So, please use all the resources available to you and be careful.

Hugs