No sweetie - you aren't dumb at all- This is another facet of abuse. He is doing this to make you feel bad and is showing a tremendous lack of respect in the chatting and the numerous explanations. It is designed to be a smoke screen- to make you feel insecure and bad cuz he's such a good guy(just listen to him) but the truth is he's being disrespectful of you and your boundaries at the least and more likely another facet of abuse- You are worth so much more than this. Hugs and hugs.

You are not stupid. I have been through this before and it sucks. He sounds like an inconsiderate jerk all right. It is a violation of trust, whether openly or in secret. To have it rubbed in your face is heartbreaking. I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

Sarica is right. My husband knew how much I hated his "road rage." He would do everything from flash his lights, to cut people off, to race down the road and once even tried to run someone off the road. It seemed that the higher my anxiety level would rise when he did it, the worse it became. He had no concern for my feelings on it, and even worse, he often did it BECAUSE he knew I was not ok with it.

Ahen abusers resort to this type of behavior, they are denying you your feelings, not respecting your wishes, and this is NOT the way that a caring individual would act. You are not asking him to give up his family, his best friends, or even a night on the town with the guys. You are talking about a part of his behavior that has hurt you deeply in the past, and he has shown absolutely no resolve to assure you that it won't happen again in the future.

This behavior is no different than the man who openly gawks and flirts/comes on to other women when he is with you, even though you might object to his behavior and he knows it. If he has no more concern for your feelings than this, you are much better off without him dearie. I'm sure that is not what you wanted to hear, but it is my humble opinion on the matter.

In response to your specific question, this is normal behavior for an abuser. It is NOT normal behavior for any of the multitude of other men out there that would love you and respect you for who you are and where you came from.

This online chatting is blatantly disrespectful and further blurs the boundaries of your relationship.
It's a double whammy that he gets off talking about it with you and that really bothers me.

Hate to say it, but maybe this gives you one more reason to get out of the relationship which can't grow when he's being intimate online with others.

Talking to other women online while you're in a committed relationship (DS aside) is not acceptable. If somebody is in a committed relationship with YOU, then he needs to be talking to YOU! Find someone who will respect you and your relationship with him. He says he's only "Toying" with them? From a guy's perspective, if he's only toying, that means he's getting turned down. Loving yourself means this should not last.

I agree with rev..it seems if they find something that irritates you, they do it more. HE does the road rage thing, I feel we are risking our lives and I have made notes on this for future reference..what father puts their kids at risk with that behavior.

The more they make you feel bad, the happier they are and gives them more power. Hang in there!

He is so lying to you. My husband did this constantly and finally did had an affair, I left him and than he realized what I left. Do it to him and see how he feels.

I don't know, I think I have to disagree about the road rage issue. I know that my husbands road rage issues are his and his alone. he doesn't mishave behind the wheel TO GET TO ME... he does it because of his own rage issues, and he does it when I'm not with him at all. Its got nothing to do with me, and the fact that he has road rage with or without me is not something I take personally... its just something I take control of, namely by not going with him when he is behind the wheel. If we go together, I drive, or we take separate cars. I don't need the spike in my blood pressure just because he drives like napoleon on crack.

But as for the talking to girls online, and then talking to you about it... it seems to me like he is looking to see how far he can push it. He knows you don't like it, and he knows you aren't going to do anything about it, so he is essentially showing you outright just how uninvested he is by being blatant about the things which he knows bother you. And I have to wonder, which would you prefer? That he talk to these girls and be blatantly open and disregarding your feelings about it OR that he talk to these girls and "care enough" to conceal it from you? Would either be ok with you? Would you really think it better if he just didn't put it in your face? If you ask me, he is sending you a very clear wake up call type of message... he is telling you clearly what you can and should expect from him, and while I am not one to tell people to leave a relationship, I will say that if you stay with this man, stay with the expectation that none of this will change. You have to make your decisions based on what you are willing to accept. But I will say that you cannot expect him to extend more respect toward you than you reflect about yourself. I don't mean to sound harsh, but he knows that you are disrespecting and disregarding your own self by putting up with his junk... and this brings to mind the song that my exfiances friend sang to him as I was leaving... "dont you love her madly as she's walking out the door"

when you have the strength and fortitude to not put up with him anymmore, that is when he will find you the most desirable, because your strength will override your need for him. Don't expect him to know what he has lost with you until after you have reached the end of your rope and moved on.

Whatever you choose, DO empower yourself with the realization that it IS your choice. Stay and let it be what it is, or leave with the understanding that you deserve better... but don't expect to stay and get the "better"... you have to choose.

Hey ther I am so sorry about this. I have been there and done that. This is a very difficult path to go down I can tell you. My ex was ALWAYS on the computer so much so that he only came out of the office for bed and dinner and that was it. Now I didnt know what he was doing all that time on line. Not until he left me the first time. Then after that I hear about another time he left me just after our son was born. He came back after each of them and said he wouldnt do it again. Well low and behold he is now living with another girl he met on line (and this was only a few months after he came back) So now my whole theory of it is taking to other women on line is cheating clear cut.

And he shouldnt tell you what he is talking abot with them either. That is a little odd I feel. In fact maybe it is a turn on for him to do that. And that is sick too. You should not be subjected to this type of abuse. And it is abuse, he is attacking your self esteem with it. And he is enjoying it at the same time. And he does not listen to you when you ask him to please stop. That is emotional rape there. He is an inconsiderate Jerk, plain and simple.

I know you love him. I understand that you do and how hard it is to walk away from someone yu care so deeply about. But also on the other hand he cheated once with one of these girls he talked to and he will cheat again with another one. I know that. It is an addiction of his that is the best way to describe it. I wish it was an easy desicion to say hey just leave him and let him have his little online liasons! But I know it isnt so easy for yuo to do that though and I understand that too. I technically took mine back 2 times (thirsd strike and I was done). And I still let him stay on the computer at all hours of the day and night. So I do understand. It is your decision to make. and we will all be here to help you through it all! I am thinking about you and all tht you are going through and I deeply truly feel for you! Take care!

THAT IS JUST WRONG AND DISRESPECTFUL

Aki, maybe your h's road rage was his, maybe revs' ex loved to upset her and did it more to upset her.....You can't disagree with someone who lived thru it and made a judgement.

My x used to berate and belittle my son all the way home from a hockey game, sometimes 3 hrs, I would have to listen to him If I protested it was worse, it became more foul, more abusive, because he had to show me he was in control....When he suggested we take separate cars....Well, it's just not feasable to drive 2 cars 150 miles and back in one day, just so I didn't have to listen to him....so my option was to listen to it, or not go. My son was too afraid of his dad to say anything, he would back his dad up that his dad was "helping" him....and his dad would say, See, I'm helping him, he says so......

Hopeful.....he does this to upset you, to disrespect you, to hurt you. And his reasoning is to confuse you, to make you think about him, and question yourself. My stbx was a pro at this, now I'm a pro at recognizing it.....

I'm so sorry......

Thank you hockeymom for your words of support. I honestly think that BOTH you and aikijedi are right about my ex-h's road rage. The point was, and like in hopefulromatnic's case, neither my ex-h or her BF respected us enough to make changes to behaviors that they have to know are downright wrong, and behaviors that they know upset us. In my case, there was an underlying sneer, like he knew he was getting to me, and if I would even sigh or flinch, the behavior only got worse. In hopeful's case, it is behavior the could easily hide, but he flaunts in front of her BECAUSE he knows it upsets her.

The real issue here is that neither of our abusers have ANY respect for our feelings. Whether or not my ex-h exhibits that behavior when I'm not with him doesn't bother me, because the repercussions of his actions will come down on him alone. I just don't want myself or my children to become an unwitting victim when someone he angers with this behavior is as or more pathological than he is. He, like hopeful's BF, always told me I was overreacting.

Not only is he toying with THEM, he is toying with YOU. Anytime you express hurt, especially when it is VERY legitimate, your partner should be confident enough in himself to take your feelings into consideration rather than defend himself. The fact that he is continuing the behavior AND defending himself is totally unacceptable. You do not have to prove why it is wrong to him...first of all it IS very wrong, and feels very wrong to YOU. That is what matters. Stay firm on your feelings...don't let them waver or be misconstrued by him. Believe in yourself and your expecations in a relationship. #1. He is being disrespectful in his flirting online.
#2. He is being disrespectful and neglectful of your feelings.
It is your life, and you deserve total happiness, trust, and respect in a relationship. Don't settle!

You are right. Absolutely right. My husband used to abuse drugs, and he will make drug references all the time. I told him that I would leave if I ever caught him doing this. Yet he makes the reference constantly. Knowing full well how it makes me feel.
Again, another method to control you.